What a shame that there are ,people out there that kill,kidnap and sell drugs and get all kind of luxuries ,they are the worst kind of people .While there are a lot of people out there who works honestly 24/7 and don't even have the money for a decent house.
I'm going to talk about some serious shit now.
Let me take advantage of this moment and let you good people in on a horrible thing happen… moreed in Israel today.
Today, June 13th, 3 innocent Israeli soldiers were kidnapped by a group of crooked terrorists. No terrorist organization had yet took responsibility for the kidnapping and the searches so far were to no avail, most likely they are long gone now and are held in conditions not fit for any human to be in.
I send my regards to the parents of those 3 brave soldiers, who are now going through hell on earth, not knowing if their children are alive, dead or worse.
Don't let yourself think that this is a rare occourance, this is a successful attempt out of countless failed attempts.
Tens of past captives were never seen again, and the ones we did save had cost us a big price.
Basically, in order to come to an agreement with those bastards we had to give them multiple buses, fille… [view original content]
I was trying to jump ;-; I barely got the game and since in Watch_Dogs you jump using the circle button I got used to it xD And I don't think I may join today since I have to go with my dad :P
sorry kiddo, I don't have time to say everything right now, i'm kind of in a hurry. It's day 3 of my renovation job at the neighbour's and I… more need to go NOW xD I'm being paid 20$ an hour though, so I really have nothing to complain about
Join us tonight for another adventure you scumbag....XD
I swear to god that WTD has God health that dude doesnt die i tried every fucking gun Shotgun NOPE Assault Rifle NOPE Submachine gun NOPE pistol NOPE a FUCKING CAR nope WTD is officially GEEZUS in GTA.
I'm going to talk about some serious shit now.
Let me take advantage of this moment and let you good people on a horrible thing happened … morein Israel today.
Today, June 13th, 3 innocent Israeli soldiers were kidnapped by a group of crooked terrorists. No terrorist organization had yet took responsibility for the kidnapping and the searches so far were to no avail, most likely they are long gone now and are held in conditions not fit for any human to be in.
I send my regards to the parents of those 3 brave soldiers, who are now going through hell on earth, not knowing if their children are alive, dead or worse.
Don't let yourself think that this is a rare occourance, this is a successful attempt out of countless failed attempts.
Tens of past captives were never seen again, and he ones we did save costed us a big price.
Basically, in order to come to an agreement with those bastards we had to give them multiple buses, filled with… [view original content]
I watched the beggining of Death Note but because I had already read the manga, I knew what would happen and got bored.
I watched every seasons of Black Butler. I tried to watch Pandora Hearts but the manga is so much better that I couldn't continue to watch the anime.I also watched some Fairy Tails episodes. Right now, I am planning to watch Stein Gates. And for the shonens, I think that's it.
Now, I also watch shojos, a lot of them. Some shojos are incredibly dumb and pointless but others are masterpieces like Clannad after story (the season 2 of Clannad). I cried so hard watching this, you can't imagine.
I might watch attack on titan because everyone says it's amazing, so yeah! Maybe after Stein Gates!
If we're willing to rid this world of the crooked, we must sacrifice a part of ourselves for that, you can't overcome monsters without sacrificing something. Thank you.
You guys kept going after I left ? Sorry if I left btw, I mean i'm the host and all....It's just that i'm being paid 20$ an hour to renovate… more the neighbour's house with my Dad so i'm back with my family for the time being ( I kinda miss my apartment...) My mother has to wake up for work at 5am so as soon as I heard her going up the stairs I couldn't really do anything anymore without her hearing me and judging me....xD
Ain't nobody got time for that...llol
-_- Password bro i TRIED EVERYTHING HIS FACE DOESNT DO SHIT bro like ya didnt see the Bullshit i witnessed yesterday. I ran this guy over he didnt die just fell on the floor and i got out the fucking car shot this mofo in the face and while he was still on the fucking ground he was still able to shoot to me. YOU CANT USE A GUN WHILE YOU'RE STUNNED WTFFFFFFF lmfao i lost a couple brain cells yesterday.
You're sliding off to a different topic, economy, but thank you for your concern, it's not within the country, it's a common outside terrorist organization attempting to destroy us once again.
What a shame that there are ,people out there that kill,kidnap and sell drugs and get all kind of luxuries ,they are the worst kind of peo… moreple .While there are a lot of people out there who works honestly 24/7 and don't even have the money for a decent house.
I'm going to talk about some serious shit now.
Let me take advantage of this moment and let you good people in on a horrible thing happen… moreed in Israel today.
Today, June 13th, 3 innocent Israeli soldiers were kidnapped by a group of crooked terrorists. No terrorist organization had yet took responsibility for the kidnapping and the searches so far were to no avail, most likely they are long gone now and are held in conditions not fit for any human to be in.
I send my regards to the parents of those 3 brave soldiers, who are now going through hell on earth, not knowing if their children are alive, dead or worse.
Don't let yourself think that this is a rare occourance, this is a successful attempt out of countless failed attempts.
Tens of past captives were never seen again, and the ones we did save had cost us a big price.
Basically, in order to come to an agreement with those bastards we had to give them multiple buses, fille… [view original content]
He introduced me to the van technique though, I had no idea that we could hide in the back of a bloody van !! Also, me and him teaming up against the cops was pretty awesome xD Damn tunnel got us though...
Yes, last night was a very crazy night, but seriously, WTD keeps ruining all the fun. It gets fucking annoying when he kills us for no reason when we're obviously trying to have fun. It gets really irritating.
If we're willing to rid this world of the crooked, we must sacrifice a part of ourselves for that, you can't overcome monsters without sacrificing something. Thank you.
Okay so I'm gonna play GTA Online on PS3 tonight when it's 8:00 pm in ON Canada. Who wants to play with me?
PS: I have random outbursts o… moref wanting to make chaos so watch out. ;3
@TWDFan86 this morning I checked my friends list but you disappeared. I'M SO CONFUSED.
EDIT: No one wants to play with me. :C
-_- Password bro i TRIED EVERYTHING HIS FACE DOESNT DO SHIT bro like ya didnt see the Bullshit i witnessed yesterday. I ran this guy over he… more didnt die just fell on the floor and i got out the fucking car shot this mofo in the face and while he was still on the fucking ground he was still able to shoot to me. YOU CANT USE A GUN WHILE YOU'RE STUNNED WTFFFFFFF lmfao i lost a couple brain cells yesterday.
I'm going to talk about some serious shit now.
Let me take advantage of this moment and let you good people on a horrible thing happened … morein Israel today.
Today, June 13th, 3 innocent Israeli soldiers were kidnapped by a group of crooked terrorists. No terrorist organization had yet took responsibility for the kidnapping and the searches so far were to no avail, most likely they are long gone now and are held in conditions not fit for any human to be in.
I send my regards to the parents of those 3 brave soldiers, who are now going through hell on earth, not knowing if their children are alive, dead or worse.
Don't let yourself think that this is a rare occourance, this is a successful attempt out of countless failed attempts.
Tens of past captives were never seen again, and he ones we did save costed us a big price.
Basically, in order to come to an agreement with those bastards we had to give them multiple buses, filled with… [view original content]
This is a long-ass comment, and it’s personal and shit, so don’t bother if you’re not going to pay attention, i just want this out there. Alright, so, what i’m ‘bout to say is VERY personal and i guess dark? I dunno, but... I want people to know. I just do. You can judge me all you want, i can take it. I. Just. Need. You. To know.
So i’ve been thinking a lot. About me (because you’re a self-centred b-word /0/) and my life. About my problems. And, yeah, it’s kind of bad.
It started on my way home, this week, i think it was Thursday. And... There were these beggars that passed through cars. Just demanding that they get food and money and all that. I may sound like and arsehole, but... I suddenly felt this overwhelming burst of hatred towards them. I literally felt my eyes burn with it. I was so angry at them, i wanted to...
What marked me about them was their... Passiveness. They don’t fight. They’re not survivors. They’re weak, and they don’t want to change it, they just want to sit on their asses, step on their pride and wait for everything to fall on them. That’s not how this world works. This world is cruel. It’s also extremely beautiful. And it’s a world for survivors. And they gave up. And i couldn’t stand it.
I felt guilty. For not sympathizing. But i also felt like i despised them. They reminded me of... Of the people that i call “friends”. At school. At home. My friends are the gang of mutts, and they come to me so i can be their shield. I have been their shield for 4 years. No more.
The people rejected in my class by the popular, the bullied kids, they ALL come to me. In fact, EVERYONE comes to me. The popular kids, the weeaboos, the shy ones, the geniuses, the nerds, the pervs, the wannabes. Whatever type they are, and i can figure out what type they are, they come to me and they each leave something for me. A gift. A secret. A pain. Anything. Everything. I saw every person that i know cry at least once. I saw them cry, i saw them anxious, afraid, angry, frustrated, and they all come to ME. All of them. And they just sort of expect me to keep their secrets. And i do.
But my “friends” are the worst. They are the weak. The lonely. The sad. The suffering. And they come to me and cry, and i’m just silent. I never let them see me cry. Or be moved. I am not impressed by their weakness. I’m always angered. Always. But i never show it. I always spit out sweet words, because i don’t have the balls to tell them how pathetic they are. For not fixing their problems. For coming to me to shield them of bullies and their fears. I am their shield and sword. And i am good at it.
And each day i came home and took it ll out on... On my boxing sack. On car windows. On... On my little brother...
...
My little brother doesn’t deserve the venom i spit at him. The distance. He’s... He needs me more than any one of my “friends” that i don’t trust. They think i do, they think i trust them, that i told them my darkest secrets.
Heh.
Mum said i would make a good actor. She was right.
I can be whatever i want. Because i am Bipolar. I can be sweet, or i can be harsh.
Yeah.
I have Bipolar Disorder.
...
It was... Destroying my life. My very being. Depression became my core. Anger became my motivation. I was alone. I didn’t understand what was happening, didn’t know i was sick, i was feeling used, weak, expendable.
I am all of those but i’m not. I can be whatever i want.
But now... Now, i choose to be a monster. I choose to let myself be angry. I choose to not be a blanket anymore. I am a sword. I always were, and i always will be a sword. I’m going to stick around those runts and be a freaking mentor, because i am NOT letting them die. I am NOT letting them be weak. I will die trying to toughen them up.
This world is cruel. This world is beautiful.
...
It’s funny. Before i stumbled upon this forum, i was... I wouldn’t have wanted to keep going. I wouldn’t have wanted to be a sword. A blanket. I wouldn’t have wanted to be sick. I was honestly alone. I wanted to... Kill myself. And then came the horrifying discovery that i was too much of a coward to do it. To just make a simple cut. I was afraid... I wasn’t afraid of death, i was afraid of pain. It hurt so much, it always has, from the very beginning. It hurt being different, being rejected, being someone i don’t know... It hurt every minute of every hour. It still hurts. It hurt beyond words. It is unbearable, and i want it to stop.
This pain i’m always feeling, it feels strange. Like it’s not even mine. Bipolar Disorder means a life of extremes. Before, i couldn’t draw my life as a straight line. I still can’t. It’s all ups and downs, each ending in a sharp peak, and every time i climbed those hills, i killed a part of me, and i left a trail of blood. Never tears. And... Behind me comes a monster that i am. Me. I am chasing myself constantly. I am both the attacker and the victim. And i didn’t know where to run, because every time i turned the corner, there was me, smiling devilishly, empty eyes, no... No heart. Just sadness. Just hurt.
And then i found you guys. Yeah, you guys. The people i came to love more than anything else in the world. And i mean what i say right now. I know i am a good liar, i can lie, but... I’m being honest now. You guys... You saved my life. The life i didn’t really want. You saved it. Without knowing, you just did. And... And... I don’t even know why i’m posting this, but i am, because... It’s because i want you to know, damn it.
I slit my wrists. Yeah, i did. I attempted suicide. Just a few months ago, i believe. And then there were these AMAZING people, and they are all from the forums, and they convinced me not to... Not to do it. Just words. Their words saved me. I honestly wouldn’t be here right now if not for those simple words. If not from those people across the globe. I love them so much, they are truly... Amazing.
I am a monster. I am not going to dress it up. You can all come at me and say i’m not, like those people i mentioned, but it’s pointless, because it’s not going to change this simple fact for me. I’m not mad. Or sad. I am a monster. And i’m okay with it. I realised that i WANT to be a monster. I can fight, i want to fight, my body is itching to draw blood, or tears, or both, and i am a monster. I want people to feel how much it hurts. I want real people to be my boxing sacks. I want to...
I used to hate them all. Since i was very little, so little it creeps me out, i hated everybody. I hated them for rejecting me, for bullying me, for being happy. I wanted to murder anything and everything happy, i WANTED to be a murderer.
But, at the same time, i wanted to be away, to shove them all far far away, so i can’t hurt them. Because i loved them. I loved them and i hated them with all my might. These contradicting feelings made up my very core, and my existence is still made out of episodes. Manic episodes, and depressive episodes. It’s part of my sickness. It means i get about 15 minutes to an hour of being happy sometimes, and then i get either a whole day or a whole week of depression, and then i’m back at being happy again.
But, you see, the thing of it is, happiness lasts a moment. Sorrow leaves a scar. I am made of scars. I’ve gathered them. I’ve been gathering them for 14 years.
I suffer from depression, perfectionism, anxiety... I also can’t seem to be able to focus on anything for more than half an hour, which makes school extremely difficult. My being a Gemini AND having Bipolar Disorder was eating me up, because i couldn’t be what i wanted to be, what everyone else wanted me to be. They said it’s just a phase. It’s not. This is going to hold on for... Forever. And i’ve been trying and trying to make things right. I’ve been trying to be the best in class, to be the perfect daughter, sister, cousin, friend, EVERYTHING, because that is what everybody was expecting me to be. And every time i succeeded, the expectations grew. And at one point, i couldn’t climb the hill anymore. And i fell down. I fell down, and i fell in a pit, where NOBODY could drag me up. The only help i had laid in my own hands. But my hands were still sore from all the climbing. I was determined to stay in that pit and die there. Perhaps even speeding it up a little wouldn’t hurt. I got to the point where i prayed every night to a God i doubted that i wouldn’t wake up the next morning.
Yes, i am a Christian. Yes, i believe. I do. I believe.
But it wasn’t belief that pushed me up. That made me start climbing again. It was my pack. Those people whom i would take a bullet for in a heart beat. They need me. I need them. They pushed me up. I push them up. I didn’t say i am a wolf in the comic for nothing. I am lonely. I fear being lonely. I don’t fear being UNLOVED. I fear being ALONE. It is a totally different thing. I am a wolf. You are my pack. And i am determined to be here for my pack. I want to live. It’s all thanks to them. I want to live, and i want to kill everything that pushes me down. I want to live and rise the weak up. I am fast. Strong. Tough. Funny. Smart. I want to be faster, stronger tougher, smarter. I will die like that. I will die trying to be better. A wise friend from my pack said that all the bad things that happen to someone... He said they all turn someone into a better person. Heh, maybe i’ll become Jesus, because it hurts a whole lot.
I am going to die. You are going to die. Everyone is going to die. There’s no way to prevent it. I used to ask myself “What does it matter if it’s tomorrow or in 80 years?” Well, it does matter. The world is a shitty place. I want to make it better. I WILL make it better, if it’s the last thing i do. And God better at least let me try, because otherwise, my very existence would be pointless and i would give him a headache when i get to that Someplace with a capital S, where people go when they die.
All this time, i thought i was being used, and i was, i still am. I am NEEDED. I thought it a burden. It is and it isn’t. The perk of being used is that the whole weight of someone’s problems hang on you. And you can use it.
All those people that trust me, i know their weak spots. I wasn’t even aware of the fact i knew them, until now. But i do. And whenever push comes to shove, i can use it against them, and i won’t hesitate to. I will hurt them where it hurts most, because that is what i am supposed to do. Pain makes it better. Pain makes you tougher. I want them to be tough. And to not need me.
My mother needs me, because she is alone and misunderstood. My brother needs me, because i am his guardian. My father needs me, because i am his boxing sack. My uncle needs me, i know his dirty secrets. My grandma needs me because she has nobody else. My grandpa needs me because he is useless. Other people need me, because they just do. And i know it, and i am a monster for using their weak spots, but they are monsters for putting it all on my back since the very beginning. They rid me of an easy living.
I guess i should thank them for that.
Those people... I...
I know your weak spots, too. But i am not going to use them. I promise. Pinky swear.
They are my pack, and i love them all so much, and that’s why i had to... To do this. To post this. I felt like they deserve to... To know. Maybe you all think i am horrible. Immoral. A villain. Maybe i am. That doesn’t change the fact that you need me.
I am dying. There’s no sense in trying to deny that fact. But by being my pack, you risked going down with me. At one point, i wanted to keep you away, to remove the threat that i am.
You all do not understand how much i love you. You seriously don’t. You can’t, you never WILL understand. My life is a rollercoaster, and you chose to take this fun ride with me. I appreciate you all. And i also appreciate this forum, and i DO realise this place was never meant for this kind of deep crap, but... I had to. I had to do this. It is the only thing i will post about it.
What does it feel like, having Bipolar Disorder? It feels like... Like life is a river. And you are drowning. That everyone is using you as a raft, and each second is a struggle to keep your head out of the water. And you also feel like it’s useless. That the river is going nowhere. I have a lot of issues, Bipolar Disorder not especially being one of them. I am ugly, stupid, mean, a coward, fake, sick, pathetic, weak, annoying... I am a lot of things i am not proud of. I would say i’m sorry, but sorries never brought me anywhere. I did wrong things, too. Not what you might think, it’s just very complicated. I can’t express myself in any other way but these typed words. I don’t see myself as a good talker. But i am a very good listener. All this time, i was afraid of facing the real world, so that’s how i came to read 400 pages a week. Books are MY blanket. Words are my shield and sword. I’m both an angel, and a monster. People call me adorable, a puzzle, tough, shy, all that stuff. They have no idea. My face always has this bored, expressionless face, and people always ask “What’s wrong? Why are you sad? Give me a big smile!” and i always fake a smile FOR them. I’m not their fucking entertainer. I used to have nothing to smile about. Now i do. The forums changed that. I wish i could have said so, and if they were smart and could take a hint, they would back off.
My mother, i love her more than ANYTHING. Or ANYONE. My mother is amazing. An amazing person, an amazing Headmaster, an amazing...
...
She’s not... I never... She’s a Headmaster. The Headmaster at MY school. The second best in my country. Everyone was jealous, doubted my abilities. When i got first place on the exam that got me admitted to this school, everyone thought it was because of my mother. I never got respect, or acknowledging, or anything. And it hurt being gossiped about RIGHT next to you, and being hated, and envied. My life is nothing anyone should ever envy. I wish i could tell this to all those bastards out there in my class... I wish...
I hide my face behind a hoodie, i hide my neck with a scarf, i hide my brains under a hat. I hide everything about myself, because i can assure you nobody hates me more than i do, because i KNOW everything that’s wrong with me. And it’s tough. And i still have those depressive episodes when i am tired of everything. I always will. And they last longer, too. And, yes, it does hurt a lot. But people need me, and i sure as Hell am not going to leave them alone. Nobody should be alone.
...
So yeah. Sorry for making this thousands of pages long. It just takes a lot of explaining, and i do realise things are still confused, and i want you all to know i am confused too. I can’t tell you all of it. Doing so would cost me too much. If things get too bad, i will probably edit this comment out, even thought i initially didn’t want so. Looking back at what i typed, it is a lot to take in, and it is also pointless. But i wanted my pack to know at least a quarter of my story.
...
I can relate to Clementine. I know i lost a lot of things. My best friend died. My father... Sort of...
I can also relate to Bigby. I hurt people. Physically and mentally. But i can keep it in now.
I can relate to a lot of characters. It’s quite funny, actually.
I must say... What you wrote is almost perfect! The last sentence is just a little weird, I would write it like that: "J'adore le français, donc je suis triste de ne pas pouvoir bien le parler" but this one is a little bit complex if you want a more simple one: "J'adore le français, donc je suis triste de ne pas bien le parler".
Le français est une langue difficile à apprendre but you are doing really well!
English and I've taken 4 years of French! Mais je ne parle pas bien francais ;_; Malheureusement. J'adore francais, donc je suis triste que je ne parle pas bien xD
This is a long-ass comment, and it’s personal and shit, so don’t bother if you’re not going to pay attention, i just want this out there. Al… moreright, so, what i’m ‘bout to say is VERY personal and i guess dark? I dunno, but... I want people to know. I just do. You can judge me all you want, i can take it. I. Just. Need. You. To know.
So i’ve been thinking a lot. About me (because you’re a self-centred b-word /0/) and my life. About my problems. And, yeah, it’s kind of bad.
It started on my way home, this week, i think it was Thursday. And... There were these beggars that passed through cars. Just demanding that they get food and money and all that. I may sound like and arsehole, but... I suddenly felt this overwhelming burst of hatred towards them. I literally felt my eyes burn with it. I was so angry at them, i wanted to...
What marked me about them was their... Passiveness. They don’t fight. They’re not survivors. They’re weak, and th… [view original content]
I'm going to talk about some serious shit now.
Let me take advantage of this moment and let you good people in on a horrible thing happen… moreed in Israel today.
Today, June 13th, 3 innocent Israeli soldiers were kidnapped by a group of crooked terrorists. No terrorist organization had yet took responsibility for the kidnapping and the searches so far were to no avail, most likely they are long gone now and are held in conditions not fit for any human to be in.
I send my regards to the parents of those 3 brave soldiers, who are now going through hell on earth, not knowing if their children are alive, dead or worse.
Don't let yourself think that this is a rare occourance, this is a successful attempt out of countless failed attempts.
Tens of past captives were never seen again, and the ones we did save had cost us a big price.
Basically, in order to come to an agreement with those bastards we had to give them multiple buses, fille… [view original content]
Yeah i know , here in my country terrorist are not a big concern, but instead we got gangs ,they rule a big part of the territory and murders are an everyday thing .You don't know how much i hate those fuckers.
You're sliding off to a different topic, economy, but thank you for your concern, it's not within the country, it's a common outside terrorist organization attempting to destroy us once again.
Comments
What a shame that there are ,people out there that kill,kidnap and sell drugs and get all kind of luxuries ,they are the worst kind of people .While there are a lot of people out there who works honestly 24/7 and don't even have the money for a decent house.
Well she is a rescue dog who has suffered through severe trauma.
I know. I did that because im kinda older than I am.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=opdI6gp--hQ
I was trying to jump ;-; I barely got the game and since in Watch_Dogs you jump using the circle button I got used to it xD And I don't think I may join today since I have to go with my dad :P
Damn I feel like a huge ass right now for saying tat.
Your dog is cut though. I wish I had a big dog.
I'm freaking bored... anyone wanna ooVoo? Oh and if you wanna see my cat being "different follow me on vine.
Just shoot him in the head xD
I am thinking about posting the most personal thing i ever told anyone here, too... But it'd be long and pointless.
Wanna know what's cool? My aunt adopted Lucy's brother and they're like BFFs.
We don't know, once the organization will say their price for the soldiers we'll know who it is.
...
*sigh *
This world is cruel. This world is also beautiful. But this world leaves scars that won't ever heal.
It's part of the painful beauty.
...
Um no. The purpose for adblock is to block ads, not viruses. If you had it before, you'd be fine right now
Awwwwww!
that's so cute! I had two cats that ere brother and sister but they passed.
I watched the beggining of Death Note but because I had already read the manga, I knew what would happen and got bored.
I watched every seasons of Black Butler. I tried to watch Pandora Hearts but the manga is so much better that I couldn't continue to watch the anime.I also watched some Fairy Tails episodes. Right now, I am planning to watch Stein Gates. And for the shonens, I think that's it.
Now, I also watch shojos, a lot of them. Some shojos are incredibly dumb and pointless but others are masterpieces like Clannad after story (the season 2 of Clannad). I cried so hard watching this, you can't imagine.
I might watch attack on titan because everyone says it's amazing, so yeah! Maybe after Stein Gates!
If we're willing to rid this world of the crooked, we must sacrifice a part of ourselves for that, you can't overcome monsters without sacrificing something. Thank you.
Not pointless! I'd read it.
No, I left when you guys left, lol.
-_- Password bro i TRIED EVERYTHING HIS FACE DOESNT DO SHIT bro like ya didnt see the Bullshit i witnessed yesterday. I ran this guy over he didnt die just fell on the floor and i got out the fucking car shot this mofo in the face and while he was still on the fucking ground he was still able to shoot to me. YOU CANT USE A GUN WHILE YOU'RE STUNNED WTFFFFFFF lmfao i lost a couple brain cells yesterday.
As soon as I get back from work AppleJuice dude xD I'll make an official announcement like always :P
You're sliding off to a different topic, economy, but thank you for your concern, it's not within the country, it's a common outside terrorist organization attempting to destroy us once again.
Why do some people have to be so cruel?
Good luck when you go into the army.
He introduced me to the van technique though, I had no idea that we could hide in the back of a bloody van !! Also, me and him teaming up against the cops was pretty awesome xD Damn tunnel got us though...
Aint that the truth bro.
I have a PS Vita. So, when I go onlne, if you're on the PS3, my name shows up all the way at the bottom of your list.
I got accepted to play Destiny Alpha version
I wouldn't mind reading it. I doubt its pointless.
You'll lose some more tonight hopefully xD
The roots of the conflict is religion-based, but it's free hate in the latest years.
Fucking telltale and this double post shit.
Do you know what i'm referring to?
*sigh *
Here goes nothing.
Please DO notice the amount of trust i put into you bastards to post the following comment.
We both know who you took this from
This is a long-ass comment, and it’s personal and shit, so don’t bother if you’re not going to pay attention, i just want this out there. Alright, so, what i’m ‘bout to say is VERY personal and i guess dark? I dunno, but... I want people to know. I just do. You can judge me all you want, i can take it. I. Just. Need. You. To know.
So i’ve been thinking a lot. About me (because you’re a self-centred b-word /0/) and my life. About my problems. And, yeah, it’s kind of bad.
It started on my way home, this week, i think it was Thursday. And... There were these beggars that passed through cars. Just demanding that they get food and money and all that. I may sound like and arsehole, but... I suddenly felt this overwhelming burst of hatred towards them. I literally felt my eyes burn with it. I was so angry at them, i wanted to...
What marked me about them was their... Passiveness. They don’t fight. They’re not survivors. They’re weak, and they don’t want to change it, they just want to sit on their asses, step on their pride and wait for everything to fall on them. That’s not how this world works. This world is cruel. It’s also extremely beautiful. And it’s a world for survivors. And they gave up. And i couldn’t stand it.
I felt guilty. For not sympathizing. But i also felt like i despised them. They reminded me of... Of the people that i call “friends”. At school. At home. My friends are the gang of mutts, and they come to me so i can be their shield. I have been their shield for 4 years. No more.
The people rejected in my class by the popular, the bullied kids, they ALL come to me. In fact, EVERYONE comes to me. The popular kids, the weeaboos, the shy ones, the geniuses, the nerds, the pervs, the wannabes. Whatever type they are, and i can figure out what type they are, they come to me and they each leave something for me. A gift. A secret. A pain. Anything. Everything. I saw every person that i know cry at least once. I saw them cry, i saw them anxious, afraid, angry, frustrated, and they all come to ME. All of them. And they just sort of expect me to keep their secrets. And i do.
But my “friends” are the worst. They are the weak. The lonely. The sad. The suffering. And they come to me and cry, and i’m just silent. I never let them see me cry. Or be moved. I am not impressed by their weakness. I’m always angered. Always. But i never show it. I always spit out sweet words, because i don’t have the balls to tell them how pathetic they are. For not fixing their problems. For coming to me to shield them of bullies and their fears. I am their shield and sword. And i am good at it.
And each day i came home and took it ll out on... On my boxing sack. On car windows. On... On my little brother...
...
My little brother doesn’t deserve the venom i spit at him. The distance. He’s... He needs me more than any one of my “friends” that i don’t trust. They think i do, they think i trust them, that i told them my darkest secrets.
Heh.
Mum said i would make a good actor. She was right.
I can be whatever i want. Because i am Bipolar. I can be sweet, or i can be harsh.
Yeah.
I have Bipolar Disorder.
...
It was... Destroying my life. My very being. Depression became my core. Anger became my motivation. I was alone. I didn’t understand what was happening, didn’t know i was sick, i was feeling used, weak, expendable.
I am all of those but i’m not. I can be whatever i want.
But now... Now, i choose to be a monster. I choose to let myself be angry. I choose to not be a blanket anymore. I am a sword. I always were, and i always will be a sword. I’m going to stick around those runts and be a freaking mentor, because i am NOT letting them die. I am NOT letting them be weak. I will die trying to toughen them up.
This world is cruel. This world is beautiful.
...
It’s funny. Before i stumbled upon this forum, i was... I wouldn’t have wanted to keep going. I wouldn’t have wanted to be a sword. A blanket. I wouldn’t have wanted to be sick. I was honestly alone. I wanted to... Kill myself. And then came the horrifying discovery that i was too much of a coward to do it. To just make a simple cut. I was afraid... I wasn’t afraid of death, i was afraid of pain. It hurt so much, it always has, from the very beginning. It hurt being different, being rejected, being someone i don’t know... It hurt every minute of every hour. It still hurts. It hurt beyond words. It is unbearable, and i want it to stop.
This pain i’m always feeling, it feels strange. Like it’s not even mine. Bipolar Disorder means a life of extremes. Before, i couldn’t draw my life as a straight line. I still can’t. It’s all ups and downs, each ending in a sharp peak, and every time i climbed those hills, i killed a part of me, and i left a trail of blood. Never tears. And... Behind me comes a monster that i am. Me. I am chasing myself constantly. I am both the attacker and the victim. And i didn’t know where to run, because every time i turned the corner, there was me, smiling devilishly, empty eyes, no... No heart. Just sadness. Just hurt.
And then i found you guys. Yeah, you guys. The people i came to love more than anything else in the world. And i mean what i say right now. I know i am a good liar, i can lie, but... I’m being honest now. You guys... You saved my life. The life i didn’t really want. You saved it. Without knowing, you just did. And... And... I don’t even know why i’m posting this, but i am, because... It’s because i want you to know, damn it.
I slit my wrists. Yeah, i did. I attempted suicide. Just a few months ago, i believe. And then there were these AMAZING people, and they are all from the forums, and they convinced me not to... Not to do it. Just words. Their words saved me. I honestly wouldn’t be here right now if not for those simple words. If not from those people across the globe. I love them so much, they are truly... Amazing.
I am a monster. I am not going to dress it up. You can all come at me and say i’m not, like those people i mentioned, but it’s pointless, because it’s not going to change this simple fact for me. I’m not mad. Or sad. I am a monster. And i’m okay with it. I realised that i WANT to be a monster. I can fight, i want to fight, my body is itching to draw blood, or tears, or both, and i am a monster. I want people to feel how much it hurts. I want real people to be my boxing sacks. I want to...
I used to hate them all. Since i was very little, so little it creeps me out, i hated everybody. I hated them for rejecting me, for bullying me, for being happy. I wanted to murder anything and everything happy, i WANTED to be a murderer.
But, at the same time, i wanted to be away, to shove them all far far away, so i can’t hurt them. Because i loved them. I loved them and i hated them with all my might. These contradicting feelings made up my very core, and my existence is still made out of episodes. Manic episodes, and depressive episodes. It’s part of my sickness. It means i get about 15 minutes to an hour of being happy sometimes, and then i get either a whole day or a whole week of depression, and then i’m back at being happy again.
But, you see, the thing of it is, happiness lasts a moment. Sorrow leaves a scar. I am made of scars. I’ve gathered them. I’ve been gathering them for 14 years.
I suffer from depression, perfectionism, anxiety... I also can’t seem to be able to focus on anything for more than half an hour, which makes school extremely difficult. My being a Gemini AND having Bipolar Disorder was eating me up, because i couldn’t be what i wanted to be, what everyone else wanted me to be. They said it’s just a phase. It’s not. This is going to hold on for... Forever. And i’ve been trying and trying to make things right. I’ve been trying to be the best in class, to be the perfect daughter, sister, cousin, friend, EVERYTHING, because that is what everybody was expecting me to be. And every time i succeeded, the expectations grew. And at one point, i couldn’t climb the hill anymore. And i fell down. I fell down, and i fell in a pit, where NOBODY could drag me up. The only help i had laid in my own hands. But my hands were still sore from all the climbing. I was determined to stay in that pit and die there. Perhaps even speeding it up a little wouldn’t hurt. I got to the point where i prayed every night to a God i doubted that i wouldn’t wake up the next morning.
Yes, i am a Christian. Yes, i believe. I do. I believe.
But it wasn’t belief that pushed me up. That made me start climbing again. It was my pack. Those people whom i would take a bullet for in a heart beat. They need me. I need them. They pushed me up. I push them up. I didn’t say i am a wolf in the comic for nothing. I am lonely. I fear being lonely. I don’t fear being UNLOVED. I fear being ALONE. It is a totally different thing. I am a wolf. You are my pack. And i am determined to be here for my pack. I want to live. It’s all thanks to them. I want to live, and i want to kill everything that pushes me down. I want to live and rise the weak up. I am fast. Strong. Tough. Funny. Smart. I want to be faster, stronger tougher, smarter. I will die like that. I will die trying to be better. A wise friend from my pack said that all the bad things that happen to someone... He said they all turn someone into a better person. Heh, maybe i’ll become Jesus, because it hurts a whole lot.
I am going to die. You are going to die. Everyone is going to die. There’s no way to prevent it. I used to ask myself “What does it matter if it’s tomorrow or in 80 years?” Well, it does matter. The world is a shitty place. I want to make it better. I WILL make it better, if it’s the last thing i do. And God better at least let me try, because otherwise, my very existence would be pointless and i would give him a headache when i get to that Someplace with a capital S, where people go when they die.
All this time, i thought i was being used, and i was, i still am. I am NEEDED. I thought it a burden. It is and it isn’t. The perk of being used is that the whole weight of someone’s problems hang on you. And you can use it.
All those people that trust me, i know their weak spots. I wasn’t even aware of the fact i knew them, until now. But i do. And whenever push comes to shove, i can use it against them, and i won’t hesitate to. I will hurt them where it hurts most, because that is what i am supposed to do. Pain makes it better. Pain makes you tougher. I want them to be tough. And to not need me.
My mother needs me, because she is alone and misunderstood. My brother needs me, because i am his guardian. My father needs me, because i am his boxing sack. My uncle needs me, i know his dirty secrets. My grandma needs me because she has nobody else. My grandpa needs me because he is useless. Other people need me, because they just do. And i know it, and i am a monster for using their weak spots, but they are monsters for putting it all on my back since the very beginning. They rid me of an easy living.
I guess i should thank them for that.
Those people... I...
I know your weak spots, too. But i am not going to use them. I promise. Pinky swear.
They are my pack, and i love them all so much, and that’s why i had to... To do this. To post this. I felt like they deserve to... To know. Maybe you all think i am horrible. Immoral. A villain. Maybe i am. That doesn’t change the fact that you need me.
I am dying. There’s no sense in trying to deny that fact. But by being my pack, you risked going down with me. At one point, i wanted to keep you away, to remove the threat that i am.
You all do not understand how much i love you. You seriously don’t. You can’t, you never WILL understand. My life is a rollercoaster, and you chose to take this fun ride with me. I appreciate you all. And i also appreciate this forum, and i DO realise this place was never meant for this kind of deep crap, but... I had to. I had to do this. It is the only thing i will post about it.
What does it feel like, having Bipolar Disorder? It feels like... Like life is a river. And you are drowning. That everyone is using you as a raft, and each second is a struggle to keep your head out of the water. And you also feel like it’s useless. That the river is going nowhere. I have a lot of issues, Bipolar Disorder not especially being one of them. I am ugly, stupid, mean, a coward, fake, sick, pathetic, weak, annoying... I am a lot of things i am not proud of. I would say i’m sorry, but sorries never brought me anywhere. I did wrong things, too. Not what you might think, it’s just very complicated. I can’t express myself in any other way but these typed words. I don’t see myself as a good talker. But i am a very good listener. All this time, i was afraid of facing the real world, so that’s how i came to read 400 pages a week. Books are MY blanket. Words are my shield and sword. I’m both an angel, and a monster. People call me adorable, a puzzle, tough, shy, all that stuff. They have no idea. My face always has this bored, expressionless face, and people always ask “What’s wrong? Why are you sad? Give me a big smile!” and i always fake a smile FOR them. I’m not their fucking entertainer. I used to have nothing to smile about. Now i do. The forums changed that. I wish i could have said so, and if they were smart and could take a hint, they would back off.
My mother, i love her more than ANYTHING. Or ANYONE. My mother is amazing. An amazing person, an amazing Headmaster, an amazing...
...
She’s not... I never... She’s a Headmaster. The Headmaster at MY school. The second best in my country. Everyone was jealous, doubted my abilities. When i got first place on the exam that got me admitted to this school, everyone thought it was because of my mother. I never got respect, or acknowledging, or anything. And it hurt being gossiped about RIGHT next to you, and being hated, and envied. My life is nothing anyone should ever envy. I wish i could tell this to all those bastards out there in my class... I wish...
I hide my face behind a hoodie, i hide my neck with a scarf, i hide my brains under a hat. I hide everything about myself, because i can assure you nobody hates me more than i do, because i KNOW everything that’s wrong with me. And it’s tough. And i still have those depressive episodes when i am tired of everything. I always will. And they last longer, too. And, yes, it does hurt a lot. But people need me, and i sure as Hell am not going to leave them alone. Nobody should be alone.
...
So yeah. Sorry for making this thousands of pages long. It just takes a lot of explaining, and i do realise things are still confused, and i want you all to know i am confused too. I can’t tell you all of it. Doing so would cost me too much. If things get too bad, i will probably edit this comment out, even thought i initially didn’t want so. Looking back at what i typed, it is a lot to take in, and it is also pointless. But i wanted my pack to know at least a quarter of my story.
...
I can relate to Clementine. I know i lost a lot of things. My best friend died. My father... Sort of...
I can also relate to Bigby. I hurt people. Physically and mentally. But i can keep it in now.
I can relate to a lot of characters. It’s quite funny, actually.
...
Anyways, yeah. I hope things will be alright.
I must say... What you wrote is almost perfect! The last sentence is just a little weird, I would write it like that: "J'adore le français, donc je suis triste de ne pas pouvoir bien le parler" but this one is a little bit complex if you want a more simple one: "J'adore le français, donc je suis triste de ne pas bien le parler".
Le français est une langue difficile à apprendre but you are doing really well!
Félicitation
I feel like a douchebag for posting this crap again. Like a fucking whore that i am.
I'll probably edit this anyway, but i feel like screaming it for the whole world to hear right now.
It's just a mood swing, i suppose.
And to whomever disliked this, you should be ashamed of yourself, wether you are a terrorist or just a guy who doesn't care about people's pain.
Heheh.
Have a brownie.
Yeah i know , here in my country terrorist are not a big concern, but instead we got gangs ,they rule a big part of the territory and murders are an everyday thing .You don't know how much i hate those fuckers.