What will the dialogue sound like? Winners Announced!

This was a thread floating around before the original Poker Night released: guess and make-up some cool conversations the characters of Poker Night 2 might have. Want the TTG developers to insult your writing skills and laugh at your out-of-character writing? Post right here!

Also, as of April 3rd, the best Community Moderator to ever live, divisionten, is going to be handing out rewards to the best quips which are organized by category. The Best Overall will be rewarded with a copy of Poker Night 2! Any others that are really good for the other categories will be rewarded other Steam games. The deadline's April 15th, so make it snippy!

Remember, you've not only got the poker players, but you also have GLadOS and even the other folks at the Inventory (Moxxi, Max) at the ready. Speaking of GLadOS, let's start off:

GLadOS: This feels like the appropriate setting for a joke. May I?
Brock: Sure.
Ash: Shoot.
Sam: Alright.
Claptrap: You can do ANYTHING, my beautiful queen!
GLadOS: ...yes, well. A group of five poker players stroll into a speakeasy, and then they get hit with neurotoxin, which invades their lungs, and makes them unable to breathe, killing them. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.
*awkward silence*
Claptrap: ...I don't get it.


  • edited April 2013
    Oh my goodness, the idea of Claptrap falling for GLaDOS, that must happen in the game!
  • puzzleboxpuzzlebox Telltale Alumni
    edited April 2013
    I'm just going to leave this link to the unlockable PSN premium themes.
  • edited April 2013
    puzzlebox wrote: »
    I'm just going to leave this link to the unlockable PSN premium themes.

    And I'm just going to leave this request to have those as PC wallpapers please :D
  • edited April 2013
    Gman5852 wrote: »
    And I'm just going to leave this request to have those as PC wallpapers please :D

    Nah, let 'em have their exclusives, I say.
  • edited April 2013
    Brock: So, Ash. That uh...that thing...does it...
    Ash: The chainsaw? Are you looking at my chainsaw for a hand?
    Brock: Aw, no. I mean, maybe. It looks...I dunno...It looks cool?
    Ash: I hacked off my demon-seized hand with a kitchen knife and cauterized the stump with brimstone! Then I jury-rigged a Homelite XL to fit my once whole hand so I could keep the living dead at bay...and you think it looks COOL?
    Brock: Come on, man! It's awesome! Who wouldn't think it looks cool?
    Ash: Yeah. It's badass.
    Brock: Groovy.


    Sam: Great bucktoothed babies bouncing on the back of Bigfoot's brother! What a hand!
    Claptrap: Ow, ow, ow! I'm dancing! Please deposit your money into my front receptacle!
    Sam: Keeping a poker face is probably a lot easier when you don't have a face. Or a furry sidekick squealing every time you get an Ace.
    Brock: Yeah, this isn't a really good place for kids and animals. They're better off at home, duct taped together for safekeeping.
    Ash: You have kids?
    Brock: I'm a bodyguard; they're not my kids.
    Ash: Not me, I work alone. Always have, always will.
    Sam: Your nametag says "S-Mart Team Member".
    Claptrap: You're a sidekick then, like me! Go Team Sidek-
    Brock: Knock that off right now.
  • edited April 2013
    Claptrap: Ace! This calls for some celebratory music! A weemo-way a weemo-way!
    GLaDOS: Little Trashcan Robot, stop singing. You're reminding of an idiot I'd rather not think about.
    Claptrap: Are we talking about a troublesome ex-boyfriend here?
    GLaDOS: I will put you in the incinerator if you don't stop.
    Claptrap: Ooh, so you like it rough! I'll file that away for later, my sweet.
    GLaDOS: I'm serious. There is a rule that says I can execute annoying players.
  • edited April 2013
    Claptrap in a turret voice: Hello?
    Claptrap in irretating voice(AKA his voice):What was that?
    GLaDOS:Just testing something.
    GLaDOS:So that's how I mute you.
  • edited April 2013
    Sam: I cant use these cards together.
  • edited April 2013
    Ohey. So I have a bunch of STEAM games and codes. And I like funny stuff. So here's the deal:

    You make awesome quips, I give out games.


    Between now and April 15, submit your best quips in this thread. I (and maybe some other mods, should they wish to help) will jusdge on creativity and hilarity in the following categories:

    BEST GROUP CHATTER (at least 3 players/dealer, not including Max, Moxxi, or any other non-table characters- alhough they may take part- must be in dialogue)
    BEST PEANUT GALLERY (Any "background" character making a quip to the table. May include talkback from table)
    BEST OVERALL can be someone from the above categories or anything of my choosing that deserves. They will earn a copy of PN2, on me, for the PC. (The rest will earn STEAM games)

    RULES: Submit to this thread by the 15th, 11:59 PM PST.
    Anything above this post qualifies, anything below qualifies too.

    PLease keep in mind that this is IN NO WAY affiliated with Telltale. At All. None. Zip Zero.
    This is me, Shalomet (yes, that is my real name) a volunteer, running this little contest. Mostly to see everyone's creativity and give out a boatload of STEAM games I have sitting in my inventory or have multiple codes for.
  • edited April 2013
    As for a pickup line one

    Claptrap (Towards Glados): "I'll do a core transfer with you any day"
  • edited April 2013
    Sam: Hey, Max!
    Max: Excuse me, Sam, but my new name at the Inventory is "Paws Hogg, Poker Pro", and you will refer to me as such.
    Sam: But you lost every game you played here.

    Sam: Hey, little buddy.
    Max: Yeah?
    Sam: What do you think I should do with these cards?
    Max: Well, if it were me, I'd probably shove them into my-
    Sam: No, no, not like that! I mean, how should I play them?
    Max: Oh, thank God you clarified, cause I was going to tell you those cards look like garbage! Fold.

    Claptrap: So, minions, any of you have a female fleshbag at home?
    Ash: HAD one. She, uh...became one of them...the deadites.
    Brock: Sucks. Sorry to hear that. I can relate, actually; had a girl who I fought with all the time, Molotov. Hell of a woman. She had an accident, and I'm assuming she passed on as well. The important thing is, you gotta stay strong, or else-
    Claptrap: UGH. Everyone makes excuses! Now, as for me, I-
    GLadOS: I actually had one back at Aperture.
    Claptrap: Ohhhh! So you swing THAT way.
    GLadOS: Unfortunately, we had to go our separate ways after we had an incident with a potato and a moron...
    Claptrap: Kinky!
  • edited April 2013
    Possible as a threat one (For when player does what the game classes as a bad move):
    Glados: "Did I ever tell you what happened to the last moron who did stupid things?"
  • edited April 2013
    Max:Hey Sam what's your cards?
    Sam:Crap cards little buddy
    Max:Hold on i'll sneak you some new ones from my inventory
    GladOS: Little bunny thing, have i ever told you what happened to the last person who tried to cheat in my tests?
    Brock:Where do you even keep your stuff? You're naked!
    GladOS:Yes none of my scans can locate your items bunny thing
    Max:That's none of you're damn business computer!

    Tryout for best pickup line:
    ClapTrap: Hey Glados anyone ever tell you that you look as young and cute as a new computer
    GladOS:You remind me of a robot i knew...
    Claptrap:Really did you love him
    GladOS: He was a moron who pissed me off and ended up in space, Maybe you would like to join him?
    Claptrap:No! I'm just in....
    GladOS :Let me make this clear you poor excuse for a robot, if you are here as part of my test and if you don't cooperate you won't get your cake.
  • edited April 2013
    Sam:"As much as I want to, I probably shouldn't shoot Claptrap"
    Claptrap:"What was that?"
    Sam:"You uhh weren't supposed to hear that"
  • edited April 2013
    IMPORTANT NOTE AS OF APRIL 16th 2013: I already preordered Poker Night 2, so I waive the grand prize. I'd still love to win best overall anyway. Now for the rest of the post.


    I'll take you up on your challenge by attempting all the categories.

    This is a challenge because I do not know half of the characters. I will not, however, ever pass up the opportunity for free stuff and instead will cross my fingers and hope that my one possible talent as a writer might pull me through.

    I'm all in!!

    GLaDOS: Aperture Science reminds you that there are no defective decks of cards in play, nor are there defective test subjects. You are merely an idiot.
    Claptrap: Oooh, one of my favorite hobbies! Crying! *sob*
    Sam: If I acted with an all in for any alliterative affirmation I announced, I'd advocate another all in.
    Ash: If I say something really cool, do you solemnly swear not to quote it on end until I'm tired of saying it?
    Brock: I came here for a men's night out and some cards, and yet again I'm a glorified babysitter.

    Let's just forego the ones we are all predicting and go really, really out there. Like here, in this fabricated sequence.
    GLaDOS: Oh. Fascinating. This is rare.
    Brock: You're looking at me.
    GLaDOS: Are you available for testing within your short-sighted understanding of anything resembling the future that science brings? You are an ideal candidate for--
    Brock: I'm not interested.
    GLaDOS: The Enrichment Center reassures you that your compatability with--
    Brock: Look, GLaDOS. I'm sure you're a nice... lady, but it just isn't going to work out.
    GLaDOS: Your rejection of a proposal not yet fully articulated does not diminish your value and worth to science... only my patience, of which I refuse to quantify.
    Brock: *grunt* I'm sorry. It's too soon.
    GLaDOS: Oh. The competition had you? I'm so sorry.
    Brock: No, you're not.
    GLaDOS: You're right. You horrible person, stabbing a knife into my cold, logical, beating heart. Putting all these carefully scheduled, important tests to waste. No wonder you have a metal plate so close to your heart. You are physically incapable of reaching out with it.
    Brock: (muttering) Women.

    GLaDOS: Assume the party escort submission position with your cards. They will not want to miss the party.
    Claptrap: Minion! I order you to pay me tribute so that you may bask in the glory of my shapely hand!
    Sam: Oh, by the way, thanks for putting a dent in Max's gambling debts in advance.
    Ash: I'll take over your hand and I'm not going to give it back. Uh, I mean your cards, by the way.
    Brock: Look, I got you beat. Don't make me twist the knife. It's not easy to clean...

    GLaDOS: I considered sharing the probability of your success, but determined such low numbers were no longer science. They were depressing.
    Claptrap: (to chips) Hello, travelers! You've finally made tourism a viable industry!
    Sam: At least you show better sportsmanship than Leonard Steakcharmer.
    (Max adds: Ooh! Ooh! Let's collect some more gamblers in our closet!)
    Ash: Hail to the king, baby.
    (someone else): King high is a bad hand.
    Ash: I said hail!
    Brock: Don't beat yourself up over it... I already did that for you.

    (note: Claptrap sounded like he was his 'in character' self in the games and still okay with Hyperion in that teaser video, may as well run with it.)
    Claptrap: So, minions, may I make a suggestion about the wonders of Hyperion armaments?
    Ash: I'm good. Boomstick, S-Mart, you know that song and dance.
    Claptrap: Then how about you, oh sapient skag-like minion!
    Sam: I can't speak for Max after what he did last time he came here, but my gun's still as trusty as it's ever been.
    Claptrap: Surely I can convince one of you to vouch for their effectiveness!
    Brock: Actually, I can. Faced down a whole squad of rogue terrorists.
    Claptrap: Then surely you can speak to their quality by how many times the New-U station saw your business!
    Brock: No... they were all dead in six seconds.
    Claptrap: That's not the customer testimonial I'm looking for at all! Step your games up, minions!
    Brock: So, Ash. How's work?
    Ash: Shop smart, S-Mar--
    Brock: Yeah, I know the slogan. I mean, how is it beyond that?
    Ash: Just a couple undead outbreaks, angry demons... usual day in Housewares.
    Claptrap: So do you think they'll finally take up Marcus' offer to let him expand there?
    Ash: Yeah, no.
    Brock: Just another day then, huh.
    Ash: Just another day.
    Sam: Idle chatter somehow seems even more idle when the chatter is about idling itself.
    Brock: You said it.
    Sam: You know, I'm a little nervous.
    Brock: You want to be good at cards, you don't get a little nerve wrack get in the way.
    Sam: Oh, no, it's that I'm worried we might miss a phone call from the Commissioner out in these parts. It's been a while since they last called.
    Brock: Couldn't you get a cellphone or something?
    Ash: Cell... phone?
    Brock: Yeah, don't you have those where you're from? Small, portable, able to carry them wherever you go...
    (Ash and Sam both give confused looks.)
    Brock: You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?
    Claptrap: Oooh! Oooh! An ECHO! You'd never miss another call again, even if you wanted to!
    Brock: On second thought, forget it.
    Sam: So, in the comical but unlikely event we have to flee national borders, anybody know any interesting vacation spots?
    Claptrap: I heard Jakobs Cove is hiring!
    Brock: He said vacation spots, not job opportunities.
    Claptrap: All I know is that it's lush, fertile, and not at all home to legions of crawling undead as the result of some medical experiments gone horribly awry!
    Ash: ...That sounds like the most passive-aggresive way to say 'Ash, go kill some Deadites!'
    Claptrap: (quietly and fast) Yes it is.
    GLaDOS: I have a scientific questionnaire. Participation is mandatory, and not at all through intimidation.
    Sam: I can't say no to the future of education.
    Ash: I didn't have time to study.
    GLaDOS: How lucky do you feel?
    Brock: Is that a threat?
    Claptrap: I feel lady luck is giving me a lapdance right about now! Uh, does the G.L. stand for Great Lapdances? In which case, you'll give me a lapdance, right?
    GLaDOS: This scientific questionnaire is over.
    Sam: Nuts, I didn't get a chance to answer! I was going to go with "kind of like velcro with only a small collection of lint."
    (this is two man but I didn't want to leave this out)
    Brock: I came here to play cards and have a good smoke, and I'm all out of--
    Ash: Smokes? Yeah, heard that one, kind of.
    Brock: No... just out of good cards.

    Moxxi: Any one of you fancy a drink?
    (followed by one of...)
    GLaDOS: These gentlemen are well hydrated by that test subject's bitter tears.
    Claptrap: Anything with enough sugar in it, so long as it comes from your lips!
    Sam: I'd take you up on it if I weren't already working down Max's astronomical gambling tab.
    (Max adds to this: You can find it near Jupiter! Scientists call it Francis.)
    Ash: Hey, what do you say we get some... nah, I'm not going there.
    Brock: I know what they put in booze on Pandora, and it ain't pretty.

    GLaDOS: Your admiration of a series of rectangular shapes of a given height, width, and depth is not part of the test.
    Claptrap: Ooh, check me out! I'm waiting, I'm waiting!
    Sam: I like the way you think. I often stand around in the middle of people waiting for me to say something for an uncomfortable amount of time on end, too.
    Ash: This is my BORED YAWN. *yawn*
    Brock: *low grount, eye twitch* C'mon already!
  • edited April 2013
    Group Chatter
    GladOS:OK test players, you all now why you are here.
    Sam:to play cards?
    ClapTrap:To ask GladOS on a date?
    GLaDOS:Say that again and I'll drop you into a room filled with turrets
    Ash:to kill zombies?
    Brock:Will all you ladies shut your mouths and just buy in!
    (Everyone throws their money in except Sam)
    Sam:Little buddy what happened to the money I had in my coat pocket
    Max:When you gave it to me to watch I spent it buying gum balls and cheese from Bosco.
    (Everyone hears a voice from so somewhere else in the Inventory shout CHEESE!!! (Wallace)
    GLaDOS:If you can't buy in then it looks like I'll be getting a new test subject
    Sam:I hate to do this but I would like to buy in with my hat
    Ash:How do you buy into a game with a hat?
    Sam:its a nice hat.
    GLaDOS:Fine let the test begin!

    Brock:So Sam why do ya carry around that box?
    Sam:It's my Inventory!
    Brock:How do you carry that in your pocket?
    Ash:Should you really be questioning it, I mean come on your talking to a giant talking dog wearing a suit and hat and your host is a giant crazy robot
    Claptrap:Hey shut up about my queen!
    (Claptrap attempts to hit Ash)
    Ash:Sit down now you annoying little robot or I will take you outside and give you a look at my chainsaw.
    Max:WOO FIGHT!
    (GLaDOS Puts down turrets everywhere and the screen blacks out with the turrets talking and shooting)
    (10 Minutes Later)
    (Everyone sits down again)
    Sam: well That was an situation, anyway you wanted to know about my box.
    Brock:I don't I want to know after all that.

    Sam:Wow Max these guys couldn't beat Harry in a card game
    GLaDOS:Could you at least try and stop being losers?
    Ash:I'm beginning to think that the zombies have more brains than you guys since I'm winning so easy.
    Brock:Hey so you ladies want to tell me when you're gonna stop being losers?
    Claptrap:Once I beat you losers I'll give all the money to GLaDOS my queen.
  • edited April 2013
    BROCK: Do you ever wonder how quickly a man can kill another after being beaten in a poker game? Wanna find out?

    ASH: Fold, check, bet, raise; I've got S-Mart brand cards. Guaranteed to make you win any poer game.

    CLAPTRAP: Minion! You should totally go all in! I promise you won't lose all your money in a horrible decision that will make you contemplate your mortal and weak existence!

    SAM: Holy Pinkerton police officer punching a poor plastered Pennsylvanian! That's an big pot!
  • edited April 2013
    Best Gloat
    Sam:Hey Little Buddy we won! What do ya say we stop and buy some overpriced stuff at Bosco's?
    GLaDOS:The test is over and you all lose, instead of cake you get to become my new test subjects
    Ash:Now to use this money to buy new things, maybe a chainsaw upgrade
    Brock:At this rate I could quit my job as a bodyguard
    Claptrap:Thanks for playing minions, guess I win, now to buy some upgrades.
  • edited April 2013
    Sam:so Ash you kill Zombies
    Ash:Yes why have you been in contact with them?
    Sam:Well there was this German vampire who had zombies as minions, but they mainly danced.
    Ash:Ah so you got your guns and began killing them?
    Sam:Not exactly
    Ash:Then what did you so?!
    Sam:Solved puzzles!
    Ash:are you serious
    Max:Yeah me and Sam even were zombies!
    (Ash flips over the table and attacks Sam & Max)
    10 Minutes later
    Max:that was so cool Sam lets do it again.
    Sam:Little Buddy I don't want to be chased half way through town from a zombie killer trying to kill us.
    (Ash returns)
    GLaDOS:Sit down Ash or I will have to punish you for not doing the test. Anyway my scans show them as living.
    Ash:I've got my eye on you dog.
  • edited April 2013
    Oh, that contest sounds awesome!
    Should we label the category each line falls in? Cause I can go back and decide what's what, if needed.

    GLaDOS: I’d like to congratulate most of you on your body’s resilience to a room filled with slow-acting Neurotoxin.
    I’d also like to commend another one of you for bravely continuing to spend their last three hours playing a card game.

    Sam: (looking at cards) Holy tumbling tanker ships slathered in vegan calamari driven by a Greek God with a glandular condition hurtling towards the community center and a gr--
    (pauses, clears throat)
    Sam, casually:....raise.

    (Brock yells at Claptrap)
    Ash: Dammit, you’ve been going on about that chatty metal idiot all night. Suck it up and play.
    Brock: I've had one of your "chatty metal idiots" shoved into my fucking body and nearly kill me. Do you have any idea what that's like?
    (Table tips, all chips falls into Brock’s pile)
    GLaDOS: Mr. Samson wins the hand.

    (Beginning of game)
    Brock, eyeing GLaDos: How the hell do you know this thing?
    Sam: It's the entirety of this year's Presidental Scientific Research Budget. She's been babysitting Max for the last few months.
    Max, off-screen: (ecstatic) Auntie Gladys is here?!

    (later, mid-game)
    GLaDOS: Tell me rabbit-monster, have you ever experienced the rare opportunity of seeing your bones being removed from your body?
    Max: Oh, you spoil me.

    (even later)
    GLaDOS: Dog, I’d like to thank you for your companion’s contributions to science. He's taught the world so much about reanimating the recently deceased to kill them again.
    Max: You gotta try it, Sam! I got close enough to God to tug on his beard!
    Sam: We'd better respect that restraining order, Max. The Almighty has good lawyers.

  • edited April 2013
    I know i might be posting too many of these but i just keep coming up with ideas.

    Max:Sam can i take the desoto for a drive while you play cards?
    Max:Come on Sam so last time i drove the desoto i destroyed a few buildings, ran over peoples stuff, and smashed the desoto into Flint Paper's office.....
    Sam:Where he then had to sleep in our office with us Max
    Max:Yeah but we had Flint Paper teach us how to beat the snot out of the people who had to fix his wall and the desoto and got them to do it for 90% off...
    Sam:Sorry Little Buddy you remembered the mole people under our office threatened to trash our office if we cause walls to fall on them again.
    GLaDOS: Such destuction, not caring about other people....Little bunny thing i think i may be in love with you.
    Max:I think i'll just go over and get a drink and talk to Strong Bad, Sam


    Sam:Ya know GLaDOS you sound awful familar
    GLaDOS:I don't know what you mean talking dog.
    Sam:I mean i'm pretty sure Max got phoned last week and was asked to give some money for science!
    GLaDOS:If you're trying to say i tricked your little rabbit friend into giving me money so i can lure test subjects to me then i have you know you're wrong
    Sam:Oh ok then,

    Sam:Wow this is the second biggest hand i ever got....i mean this is the second worse hand i ever got.
  • ttg_Stemmlettg_Stemmle Telltale Alumni
    edited April 2013
    Sam: I cant use these cards together.

    You know that sick, cold, cold feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you realize that there's something very important you were supposed to do, but it completely slipped your mind, like paying your property taxes or remembering your wedding anniversary?

    Now multiply that by about a fillion*, and you'll be somewhere in the neighborhood of what I'm feeling right now.

    In short, darn you. Darn you all to heck.

    Mike "Walking it Off" Stemmle

    * A "fillion" is a large number whose magnitude can only be guessed at due to it's tendency to by cancelled out before it's properly enumerated.
  • edited April 2013
    You know that sick, cold, cold feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you realize that there's something very important you were supposed to do, but it completely slipped your mind, like paying your property taxes or remembering your wedding anniversary?

    Now multiply that by about a fillion*, and you'll be somewhere in the neighborhood of what I'm feeling right now.

    In short, darn you. Darn you all to heck.

    Mike "Walking it Off" Stemmle

    * A "fillion" is a large number whose magnitude can only be guessed at due to it's tendency to by cancelled out before it's properly enumerated.

    ...did you forget to get Sam's VA to say that as a response or something?
  • edited April 2013
    I'm not actually entering (I'm a mod, it'd be sketchy), I just felt like joining in.

    Sam: So, uh, anyone got any funny stories they feel like sharing?
    Ash: Nope.
    Brock: No.
    Claptrap: Hell yeah! So this one time, me and some loser with a gun were just hanging out and- <Sam shoots him> Hey!
    Sam: Huh. I guess I can't use these things together.
    Ash: Wanna try mine?
    Claptrap: HEY!
    Sam: ...maybe later.


    Claptrap: So what's YOUR sign, cutie?
    GLaDOS: Caution: Dangerous Machinery.
    Claptrap: Ooo, I love a challenge.
    GLaDOS: I would love to see you destroyed in a fiery cataclysm of insane proportions.
    Brock: I thought you said you couldn't feel emotions.
    GLaDOS: I am always willing to make exceptions for the appropriate test subject.
    Claptrap: Heh, I think I'm in there.
    Ash: Yeah, sure. Keep thinking that while I get outta the splash zone.


    Moxxie: God it's boring back here.
    Ash: You want a little company?
    Moxxie: Depends. Does is that hand detachable?
    Ash: Which one?
    Moxxie: Does it matter?
    Ash: ...kinda.
    Moxxie: Which one's battery powered?
    Claptrap: Uh, I need an adult!
    Brock: Keep lookin', buddy.
  • edited April 2013
    Claptrap: (to GLaDOS)So hot stuff how about after this game me and you head back to Apature Science and test out some stuff?
    GLaDOS:How about instead of testing I dump you into with one platform and moveable walls with spikes around the platform.
    Sam:.....Can Max just shoot him? He needs some target practice
    GLaDOS:If you win I'll turn the annoying little robot into a trophy...
    Claptrap: (Says to Brock) Hey minion, she likes me
    Brock:yeah you keep thinking that buddy.
  • edited April 2013
    I'm stealing from Ash's quotes, but I'd love if they popped up in the game.

    ASH: (player goes all in) Well, hello, Mister Fancy Pants!

    ASH: (folding) The only cards in this flop are Jack and shit, and I don't have a Jack, so I'm leavin' town.
    CLAPTRAP: Hey, I knew a Jack! And fittingly enough, he was total shit!

    ASH: (after winning a hand with an Ace) Good hand, bad hand; I'm the guy with the Ace.

    ASH: (challenging player) Yo, he-or-she bitch. Let's go.

    ASH: (showing off cards in a showdown) This is my FULL HOUSE!

    (After Ash is eliminated when betting the Necronomicrown)
    GLadOS: Test Subject Ashley Williams has been eliminated from the test.
    ASH: Damn. Well, sport, enjoy your ancient most likely cursed artifact. Gotta go-
    CLAPTRAP: Hah! Congratulations, minion, for beating Little Goodie Two-Shoes over here. (singing) Goodie Little Two-Shoes, Goodie Little Two-Shoes, Goodie Little Two-Sh-
    *Ash fires his boomstick in the air, everyone is startled*
    CLAPTRAP: Did I say "Goodie Little Two-Shoes"? I meant to say "Incredibly Handsome Man Who Most Certainly Will Not Shoot Me If I Beg For Mercy Because He Is So Excellent and Wonderful"! Yeah, that's what I meant to s-
    *Ash points boomstick at Claptrap*
    ASH: *retracts boomstick* And keep it shut, tincan. *walks away from table*
  • edited April 2013
    These are all for Sam.

    All in
    Sam: Well, I feel as confident as I'll ever be, so I'm going to bet everything I have.
    Max: Even your hat?
    Sam: ...yes.
    Max: Even ME?
    Sam: I don't own you, little buddy. Satan does.
    Max: Oh yeah. Good thing he's not here, I'm fed up of filing his taxes. Ugh.

    Sam: Huh. Looks like I'm out.
    Max: Of the closet?
    Sam: Well, we have run out of room. Maybe we should stop collecting things.
    Max: NEVER!

    Sam: Well, I'm not one to gloat, so I won't.
    Max: Spoilsport!

    Sam: Well, it looks like the long walk of shame for us, Max.
    Max: Uh, no, it's the long walk of shame for you. It's the long piggyback of fun for me!
  • edited April 2013
    You know that sick, cold, cold feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you realize that there's something very important you were supposed to do, but it completely slipped your mind, like paying your property taxes or remembering your wedding anniversary?

    Now multiply that by about a fillion*, and you'll be somewhere in the neighborhood of what I'm feeling right now.

    In short, darn you. Darn you all to heck.

    Mike "Walking it Off" Stemmle

    * A "fillion" is a large number whose magnitude can only be guessed at due to it's tendency to by cancelled out before it's properly enumerated.

    You're saying...you're saying that line isn't in the game? I'm very disappointed in all parties involved.
  • edited April 2013
    Omegabegin wrote: »
    You're saying...you're saying that line isn't in the game? I'm very disappointed in all parties involved.
    They still have time to add it, if it isn't.

    Or Stemmle is teasing us. I wouldn't put it past him.
  • edited April 2013
    Sam:Hey Max we won! Now we just need to blow all our money on overpriced stuff
    Max:TO BOSCO'S!

    Ash:Hail to the king baby
    Max:You're a king?
    Ash:Well i could have been but i belong at S Mart

    Brock:Well i would love to stay and watch you guys cry like little girls but i got me some villains to go beat up.

    Claptrap:Its been fun minions, time to use all this money on upgrades...
    GLaDOS:You know i could use that.....
    Claptrap:YOU CAN HAVE IT!
  • edited April 2013
    You know that sick, cold, cold feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you realize that there's something very important you were supposed to do, but it completely slipped your mind, like paying your property taxes or remembering your wedding anniversary?

    This is why you guys should announce the games you're working on faster. :p

    (And I have no idea how divisionten is ever going to possibly judge all these!)
  • edited April 2013
    WarpSpeed wrote: »
    This is why you guys should announce the games you're working on faster. :p

    (And I have no idea how divisionten is ever going to possibly judge all these!)

    With extreme prejudice.

    In all seriousness, it's only two pages in and there are a TON of awesome entries. Keep it up!
  • edited April 2013

    Sam:Well little buddy looks like we're not gonna be able to pay for the office this week
    Max:So we're going to sleep in the Desoto? That's like the time where i was in another timeline and saved everyone from a creepy little brain who stole my body and started eating corndogs! I love corndogs!
    Sam:No corndogs this month little buddy :/
    Max:I think i'll go be Flint's partner for a month.

    Brock:Super looks like i'll have to do double babysitting as a bodyguard to get my pay this month.

    Ash:Great now i'll have to work triple shifts at S mart to pay this off.

    Claptrap: GLaDOS can i live with you?
    GLaDOS: Sure you can have 2 choices, a single platform with walls of spikes about to close in on you or the turret room where they practice their shooting.
    Claptrap: If you guys need me i'll ether be in the inventory or sleeping in the inventory's bathroom.
  • edited April 2013
    Just a head's up on the prizes:

    So far I've gathered (other than PN2 for the Overall winner)
    Analogue A Hate Story
    Super Hexagon (2 copies)
    Breath of Death VII and Cthulhu Saves the World
    Sam and Max Season 3
    Jurassic Park
    Shank 2
    Snapshot (2 copies)
    Superbrothers: Sword & Sworcery
    Solar 2
    Beat Hazard Ultra
    Dungeon Defenders
    Gemini Rue
    Sanctum (and all DLC)
    Virtex Dispenser
    Hard Reset

    As it stands, each winner will get to pick two games. I might even add in another category.
  • edited April 2013
    Wait, Poker Night 2's up for grabs? Sweet, I want that! Forget I said I wasn't actually taking part :p
  • edited April 2013
    Ah, cool. This thing's really come alive.

    Brock: So, Sam. That revolver of yours. Looks like a nice piece.
    Sam: This gun and I go way back. You wouldn't believe how many scrapes it's gotten me out of! It can put holes in cheese, help me open doors, light things from far away...
    Brock: Nevermind. What about you? What's your weapon of choice?
    Ash: Well, as far as guns go, my boomstick always gets the job done.
    Brock: Boomstick. Right. Well, this is my bladeknife. I use it to cut people.
    Sam: Oh I don't need any weapons to hurt people. That's what I have Max for.
    Brock: I...uh...don't think I need to ask if you're any good in a fight, Claptrap. I mean, are you?
    Claptrap: Heavens, never! We Claptraps were created with the sole purpose of navigation aid and protocol!
    GLaDos: That's strange. A diagnostic of your programming brings up a mode called Interplanetary Ninj...
    Claptrap: Hey, are we going to play cards or what?


    Claptrap: This hand and all of its winnings are in tribute to...GLaDos! You make me straight flush!
    GLaDos: No, you're just a flop. Dealing next hand.
    Claptrap: Call me!
  • edited April 2013
    I guess this would be considered best peanut gallery.

    Brock: So this place, it was designed to not be known by the government right?
    Sam: Yeah it was.
    Brock: If so, then why is the president walking around here right now?
    Max: Even the president needs to hide from politicians sometimes. All the whining over simple things such as putting the nation in debt over some old corndogs can really get to you sometimes.
  • edited April 2013
    Sam wins things:.

    (Samson Skewer)
    Sam: Better keep it. We don't use knives anymore. Somebody gets too light-headed around all the blood.
    Max: I just find it so romantic.

    Sam: Well, it's about time the Desoto got a hood ornament! Hopefully $80,000 should buy us enough duct tape.

    (Dapper Disguise)
    Sam: Hot dog! Maybe now they’ll let us back in the movie theater!
    Max: Or the bowling alley!
    Sam: Or city hall, that oil rig, the Sears Tower....
    Max: Ooh! We can go back to that bakery, too!
    Sam: And Meesta Pizza!
    Max: What about the library, Sam?
    Sam: I don't think anybody can go back there for a long, long time, little buddy.

    Brock wins things:
    (Dapper Disguise)
    Brock: Ah Jesus, enough with the faces, already. (tosses it) What is it with psychopaths and faces?

    Brock: Suppose I oughta give this to my neighbor. Lonely bastard's been making S.P.H.I.N.X. pies nonstop.

    Brock:(patrick warburton moose growl) I RISKED 20 GRAND FOR A DOG'S HAT.
  • edited April 2013
    A Fake Introduction For Poker Night 2 (not really competing for a reward here, but just for fun)

    (you enter the Inventory, looks same as it does before...but on the inside, the elevator is...new. a silence is caused, but then you hear...)

    GLadOS: Hello, and welcome to the new and improved Aperture Inventory. I've been expecting you. I've heard of your escapades involving this game of poker here, and to save you from your most likely boring, dull, and downright depressing life, I have called you here.

    (Elevator starts)

    GLadOS: By the way, they're all dead. All those people you played poker with? Gone. I've eliminated them for failure. You succeed where they did not. Hopefully, this is a bit of a reward-slash-warning for you, as I expect you to play your best.

    (Elevator opens)

    GLadOS: Ah, I loved hearing their squeals of death, as they were shot at with turrets and poisoned with various neurotoxins-

    (Max appears)

    Max: AHHH! It's that guy who took thousands of dollars from me in a Poker game! Everyone, RUN AWAY!
    GLadOS: ...okay, so I didn't actually kill them. That is the only gift you're going to receive. The fact that they didn't actually die. You're welcome. But you will be facing new opponents. Escorting subject #5 to the Aperture Science Poker Playing Skill Testing Table #2.

    (You follow GLadOS as you enter the table)

    GLadOS: Test subjects, be advised: I am inserting a new player into the test.
    Brock: Hey. Name's Brock.
    Ash: Howdy. Ash...Housewares.
    Sam: How're you doing? It's Sam.
    Claptrap: Oh! Hi, minion! Glad to see you here! But, you look...different. You're missing all your sweet guns, you're not a steroided midget, or a girl...or are you? I can't really tell. Anyways, you know who I am, but just in case you don't, allow me to read a 2-paged autobiography about who I am that I prepared just for this poker game! I'm Claptrap, and I-
    GLadOS: All test subjects must be silent before the test begins. And must stay silent if they're also an idiot. The price you will be starting the test out with is 20,000 dollars. Don't lose it all in one place. Beginning test.

    (Game starts)
  • edited April 2013
    Sam: So, Mr. Williams...
    Ash: Call me Ash.
    Sam: Ash. Where'd you get that robotic hand?
    Ash: This thing? I had it built in the middle ages by a blacksmith. I'm just as shocked as you that it actually works.
    Max: Do you think I could get one of those?
    Sam: Max, how many times have I told you dismembering yourself isn't a good idea?
    Max: Um... 57?

    Sam: This game reminds me of the time that me and Max had to take out a criminal at a casino. I pulled up outside and as soon as I finish parking, Max jumps out, bolts inside and starts beating the guy like a mangled punching bag. It took about 30 straight minutes of broken chairs and pistol-whipping for Max to calm down.
    Brock: Jesus.
    Sam: That's not even the worst part. Have you ever been sent flying into two different sets of shelves?
    Ash: (raises hand)

    CL4P: So, Mr. Samson. What do you do for a living?
    Brock: I'm a bodyguard for two kids.
    Ash: Sounds boring.
    Brock: I also kill a lot of people. You would not believe how many cut-up, blood-stained shirts I have in my closet.
    Sam: Dangerous work, huh?
    Brock: The blood's not mine.

    Brock: So, anything happening down at S-Mart?
    Ash: Deadites roaming the aisles, blood on everything we sell, employees getting refused life insurance...
    Brock: Same old song and dance, huh?
    Ash: Pretty much.

    CL4P: (folding) This game would be a lot easier if we could use weapons.
    Sam: It would probably be a lot shorter, too.

    Sam: I've had paper clip chains that were more useful than these cards. Fold.

    Brock: (folding) If I wanted to lose a hand I'd use my knife. (To Ash) No offense.
    Ash: None taken.

    CL4P: (Raising) Time for a little Conference Call.

    Sam: (raising) I'm tapping into the US economy for this one.

    Brock: I'm going all the way.
    Sam: Don't you mean all in?
    Brock: Cram it, McGruff.

    Sam: Well, I have nothing to lose that isn't mine. I'm going all in.

    CL4P: I have money to burn and no time to lose. I'm all in!

    GLaDOs: Congratulations. You have successfully managed to make a fool out of everyone, including yourself.
    CL4P: I wouldn't mind you making a fool out of me.
    GLaDOS: Given your artificial intelligence quotient, it is too late for that.

    Brock: So, Sam. You got a lady?
    Sam: I'm not giving you a queen.
    Brock: I meant like a girlfriend.
    Sam: Oh. No, I never really took interest in women. They confuse me too much. Trying to figure out their mentality is like trickier than making a cold fusion perpetual motion machine. Honestly, I've never seen the appeal.
    Brock: You mean besides the sex?
    Sam: ... yeah, besides that.

    Sam: I could go for an Orange Julius right about now. Anyone else?
    CL4P: I don't drink.
    Sam: Why not? Does it fry your circuits?
    CL4P: No mouth.
    Sam: Oh.

    Brock: What is this place anyway?
    Sam: The inventory? It was established in the late 19th century in response to an early draft of the eighteenth amendment.
    Ash: Didn't that law get the axe?
    Sam: Even so, this place has been operating in secret ever since, just in case.
    Brock: Sounds needlessly cryptic.
    Sam: I've had a lot of experience with the needlessly cryptic.

    And I will post a lot more when I can think of some.
Sign in to comment in this discussion.