I Kidnapped Brendan Q. Ferguson's Kidnapper
TelltaleGames
Former Telltale Staff
Hello all. This is Brendan Q. Ferguson. You'll never believe what happened to me yesterday, but I'm going to pass it off as the truth anyway.
So there I was, blindfolded in an Anonymous Kidnapper's closet. Suddenly I remembered I had a toenail clipper and a Hello Kitty key ring in my back pocket. Adventure game veteran that I am, I knew that was all I needed to engineer my escape. Fifteen minutes later, I was free! Apprehending the kidnapper wasn't a problem, especially since he had passed out after consuming 106 pixie stix in a row, not to mention 41 Diet Dr. Peppers.
Call it revenge if you will, but I've decided to kidnap the perpetrator. Talk about the punishment fitting the crime. I understand this Anonymous Kidnapper has built up quite a following of his own, so I've decided to hold him for ransom. Naturally his ransom will be less than mine, given his lesser web presence... say $49.95? I'll take what I can get here people.
Anyway, on with the show.
One of the best parts about being an incredibly famous blog author is the many thoughtful questions posed to me by inquiring and hopefully wealthy readers. I returned from my incarceration to find my e-mail inbox absolutely chock full of e-mails like this one:
"Dear Brendan Q. Ferguson,
What exactly is it that you do at Telltale Games? I mean, what's your job? I guess what I'm asking is, what's the point of your existence? Is it really even necessary?
Love,
Harry Harvey Pants"�
That I seem to serve no useful purpose for Telltale Games or for the larger world community is clearly a source of great concern for many of you. Allow me to ease your misgivings by telling you a bit about my job here at Telltale. Actually, you know what, hold the phone. I have a better idea. I'll just post some excerpts from my journal which I keep every day without fail, starting today.
1:45 pm: Got to work a little early today. Dan could tell I needed some encouragement so he gave me a pat on the back and told me I was the linchpin of the company before locking me in my closet.
2:00 pm: It's dark in here. I can't wait 'til I get moved to my new office. The toilet in there is reeeaaaally nice. Don't even ask me about the hand towel dispenser. That thing is too sweet for words. It can get a little crowded in there, but we'll make do.
2:15 pm: Checked my e-mail. Eleven more people wrote in questioning my existence, six of whom are blood relatives. At least Mom only wrote in twice this time.
2:30 pm: Maybe I'll get in one quick game of Solitaire before I get crackin'.
3:30 pm: Drat, I lost again. That is some good AI, people.
3:45 pm: Checked my e-mail again. I tell you, Xanax has never been cheaper. I might just buy a lifetime supply right now. Hold on, where's my credit card?
3:59 pm: Okay, time to get crackin'! No interruptions.
4:00 pm: Gotta go to a meeting about our current project. Back in an hour.
5:00 pm: Another disappointing meeting. My suggestion to make an Atari 5200 exclusive was shot down. Again. Troy expressed a lack of confidence in the market size for the Atari 5200 and then everyone had a good laugh. Yeah, we'll see whose laughing when the Atari 5200 rises from the ashes to dominate the marketplace.
5:15 pm: What am I doing here again? Oh yeah, I'm supposed to be designing games or something. Wait, I think something's coming to me.
5:30 pm: Wow, in the last fifteen minutes I just designed fifteen games, any of which could be a worldwide megahit. I notice that all the games seem to have the common theme of squeezing small animals, but that's probably a coincidence. I don't think we need to mention this to my therapist.
5:45 pm: Checked my e-mail again. Fifteen more people wrote in questioning my existence, including all of my co-workers, and even the person I ordered the Xanax from.
6:00 pm: Maybe I should start writing some "funny"� dialog for our game. For a change.
6:30 pm: I just ran all 100 of my new dialog lines past everyone. Here's how we do it: I read a line and then they rate it on a 10 point scale, just like in the Olympics. Ninety-nine of my lines were given a unanimous 0.0, although one line received a 6.5 from the French judge. They told me to go write more lines, but this time to make them funny. Sigh.
6:45 pm: Somebody just slipped a slice of pizza under the door. Give these guys credit, they said they'd feed me, and they do. Kevin even lets me drink out of the water dispenser his rat uses. He really spoils that little guy. And me too, I guess.
7:00 pm: Drat! I just remembered that I was supposed to write a blog today. I'm still not done with that auto blog generator.
7:15 pm: Carefully examined a number of web pages in an effort to come up with suitable blog material. reallylamejokes.com proved especially informative.
7:30 pm: Rushed out this hack job of a blog. Pretty questionable quality, but that's what people expect I think.
Well there you have it ladies and gentlemen. My day in a nutshell (soon to be published by O'Reilly Press). I hope this quiets some of the critics who thought I was just wasting time here!
Okay, so see you next week.
So there I was, blindfolded in an Anonymous Kidnapper's closet. Suddenly I remembered I had a toenail clipper and a Hello Kitty key ring in my back pocket. Adventure game veteran that I am, I knew that was all I needed to engineer my escape. Fifteen minutes later, I was free! Apprehending the kidnapper wasn't a problem, especially since he had passed out after consuming 106 pixie stix in a row, not to mention 41 Diet Dr. Peppers.
Call it revenge if you will, but I've decided to kidnap the perpetrator. Talk about the punishment fitting the crime. I understand this Anonymous Kidnapper has built up quite a following of his own, so I've decided to hold him for ransom. Naturally his ransom will be less than mine, given his lesser web presence... say $49.95? I'll take what I can get here people.
Anyway, on with the show.
One of the best parts about being an incredibly famous blog author is the many thoughtful questions posed to me by inquiring and hopefully wealthy readers. I returned from my incarceration to find my e-mail inbox absolutely chock full of e-mails like this one:
"Dear Brendan Q. Ferguson,
What exactly is it that you do at Telltale Games? I mean, what's your job? I guess what I'm asking is, what's the point of your existence? Is it really even necessary?
Love,
Harry Harvey Pants"�
That I seem to serve no useful purpose for Telltale Games or for the larger world community is clearly a source of great concern for many of you. Allow me to ease your misgivings by telling you a bit about my job here at Telltale. Actually, you know what, hold the phone. I have a better idea. I'll just post some excerpts from my journal which I keep every day without fail, starting today.
1:45 pm: Got to work a little early today. Dan could tell I needed some encouragement so he gave me a pat on the back and told me I was the linchpin of the company before locking me in my closet.
2:00 pm: It's dark in here. I can't wait 'til I get moved to my new office. The toilet in there is reeeaaaally nice. Don't even ask me about the hand towel dispenser. That thing is too sweet for words. It can get a little crowded in there, but we'll make do.
2:15 pm: Checked my e-mail. Eleven more people wrote in questioning my existence, six of whom are blood relatives. At least Mom only wrote in twice this time.
2:30 pm: Maybe I'll get in one quick game of Solitaire before I get crackin'.
3:30 pm: Drat, I lost again. That is some good AI, people.
3:45 pm: Checked my e-mail again. I tell you, Xanax has never been cheaper. I might just buy a lifetime supply right now. Hold on, where's my credit card?
3:59 pm: Okay, time to get crackin'! No interruptions.
4:00 pm: Gotta go to a meeting about our current project. Back in an hour.
5:00 pm: Another disappointing meeting. My suggestion to make an Atari 5200 exclusive was shot down. Again. Troy expressed a lack of confidence in the market size for the Atari 5200 and then everyone had a good laugh. Yeah, we'll see whose laughing when the Atari 5200 rises from the ashes to dominate the marketplace.
5:15 pm: What am I doing here again? Oh yeah, I'm supposed to be designing games or something. Wait, I think something's coming to me.
5:30 pm: Wow, in the last fifteen minutes I just designed fifteen games, any of which could be a worldwide megahit. I notice that all the games seem to have the common theme of squeezing small animals, but that's probably a coincidence. I don't think we need to mention this to my therapist.
5:45 pm: Checked my e-mail again. Fifteen more people wrote in questioning my existence, including all of my co-workers, and even the person I ordered the Xanax from.
6:00 pm: Maybe I should start writing some "funny"� dialog for our game. For a change.
6:30 pm: I just ran all 100 of my new dialog lines past everyone. Here's how we do it: I read a line and then they rate it on a 10 point scale, just like in the Olympics. Ninety-nine of my lines were given a unanimous 0.0, although one line received a 6.5 from the French judge. They told me to go write more lines, but this time to make them funny. Sigh.
6:45 pm: Somebody just slipped a slice of pizza under the door. Give these guys credit, they said they'd feed me, and they do. Kevin even lets me drink out of the water dispenser his rat uses. He really spoils that little guy. And me too, I guess.
7:00 pm: Drat! I just remembered that I was supposed to write a blog today. I'm still not done with that auto blog generator.
7:15 pm: Carefully examined a number of web pages in an effort to come up with suitable blog material. reallylamejokes.com proved especially informative.
7:30 pm: Rushed out this hack job of a blog. Pretty questionable quality, but that's what people expect I think.
Well there you have it ladies and gentlemen. My day in a nutshell (soon to be published by O'Reilly Press). I hope this quiets some of the critics who thought I was just wasting time here!
Okay, so see you next week.
This discussion has been closed.