I've returned as an even angrier bastard now that I'm a full term into Year 12. There's some absolute assholes in our year level this year who make absolutely no effort while the rest of us are having panic attacks with the amount of work we're getting. I'm stuck with this one guy in Psychology who goes out of his way to be rude to everyone around him (last year he said F U to a teacher who told him off for talking over her) who never contributes anything to the class except dumbass comments, ignores others who politely ask him to move when he's blocking the board, brings 3 folders full of work because he can't be bothered using his locker and takes up two whole seats, and sits there drawing during class rather than paying attention.
Then there's others who just sit in class either screwing around and distracting everyone and never put any effort in (they give the laziest answers to questions as if they don't wanna be there), one of whom was on his phone while the class was reading a book that we have an essay on. It pisses me off that this education system drives some kids into depression with the workload but somehow these kids who'd rather slack off and do nothing still end up making it to Year 12 when there's kids out there who would put in ten times more effort and accomplish more in their lives if they got a proper education, but instead my high school is filled with people who'd rather waste everyone's time.
It's going to be a mess when things start up again, but life is messy sometimes, so just do the best you can with it.
Is there any classwork you've done so far this year, before everyone walked out, that you think you might be more interested in? School has to cover a lot of subjects and doesn't always get to go into great depth with all of them. There might be something you have the opportunity to study more now when you wouldn't normally have had time. This Internet thingy can help with that, too.
Still disappointed in myself.
...My school's been on strike for the past week and a half. No resolution yet, but there might be one soon … moreif the recent emails are to go by.
I've tried my best to keep up with any school work/readings given out online, but I'm not too pleased with it. Many of the teachers aren't even allowed to post the work we'd be doing by this stage, so it's been silent work-wise for their class. It's a really odd lull in the semester and it makes me worried for what happens when it begins again.
The thing that’s the worst about this, is that it kills any and all motivation I have to do much.
All it is, is taking advantage of my tendency to procrastinate. I’ve got other work to do than the one for school, so being held back by an urge to relax and take it slow isn’t good. I’ve already relaxed, I don’t need any more. It’s time to get to work, brain!
Sorry, it’s just some dumb feeling of unfinished work I’ve got. I ju… [view original content]
I know the feeling. I like to seek out dark places to calm down. I go into my basement and find a place in a corner to sit with the lights off to think. I started to use that the day my dog died. Or crawl underneath my bed and just lay there. I'd probably go into my closet too if it weren't so cluttered. Just limiting the distractions can be good to allow yourself to focus on what is happening. To tell yourself that it's all okay. And to find something beyond it to draw yourself to.
Darkness can be your ally, but I wish I didn't have to rely on that. Because other people know how to get that sort of closure by sharing their thoughts with other people. Too anxious to cry when I was seeing Buddy die in front of me with my family. But the basement was there to allow me to let go of these emotions, where no one would see.
Fuck, I'm putting this out. It's too painful to keep looking over this.
I know the feeling. I like to seek out dark places to calm down. I go into my basement and find a place in a corner to sit with the lights o… moreff to think. I started to use that the day my dog died. Or crawl underneath my bed and just lay there. I'd probably go into my closet too if it weren't so cluttered. Just limiting the distractions can be good to allow yourself to focus on what is happening. To tell yourself that it's all okay. And to find something beyond it to draw yourself to.
Darkness can be your ally, but I wish I didn't have to rely on that. Because other people know how to get that sort of closure by sharing their thoughts with other people. Too anxious to cry when I was seeing Buddy die in front of me with my family. But the basement was there to allow me to let go of these emotions, where no one would see.
Fuck, I'm putting this out. It's too painful to keep looking over this.
Wrong? What's wrong with wanting to live in a cave? And never leaving? It's been my dream as long as I can remember. I'll show you all. City livin' is fer loserz!
Terribly lame jokes aside, I don't really know... I cause so much pain for myself over petty things, I guess...
Ha, I actually would like to live in a cave myself, ( as long as there's no rats or mice.)? But, joking aside I hope you start doing better soon, and remember don't be to hard on yourself.?
Wrong? What's wrong with wanting to live in a cave? And never leaving? It's been my dream as long as I can remember. I'll show you all. City… more livin' is fer loserz!
Terribly lame jokes aside, I don't really know... I cause so much pain for myself over petty things, I guess...
I’ve joked in the past about wanting to steal a yacht and start a yacht tribe like those Amazon rain forest ones. Now that I think about it it kinda does sound awesome. Screw society, let’s live on a yacht where we would feast upon fruits and the bounties of the ocean
Wrong? What's wrong with wanting to live in a cave? And never leaving? It's been my dream as long as I can remember. I'll show you all. City… more livin' is fer loserz!
Terribly lame jokes aside, I don't really know... I cause so much pain for myself over petty things, I guess...
What I meant by my comment was that I feel like closing myself off from other people. It was pretty vague. I'm feeling surprisingly okay-ish at the moment though.
But I know what you mean, I used to do that too, especially when I was at my lowest (hmm around 15-17 maybe?). I would lock myself in my room with the light off and just sit there in the dark and think. I can't say that I'd recommend it to others though... I don't know. On one hand, I'm not ignoring my feelings by doing that, but on the other, maybe it's dwelling on them too much? I can't figure it out what the balance is.
Because other people know how to get that sort of closure by sharing their thoughts with other people.
How do people do that anyway? Is it even something that should be done? I think it's totally fine and normal when other people share their thoughts, but as soon as I do it, I feel extremely uncomfortable and stupid.
On a different note, that was you that had the dog Buddy? I remember commenting on that ages ago... "Buddy is a beautiful dog". Wow.
I know the feeling. I like to seek out dark places to calm down. I go into my basement and find a place in a corner to sit with the lights o… moreff to think. I started to use that the day my dog died. Or crawl underneath my bed and just lay there. I'd probably go into my closet too if it weren't so cluttered. Just limiting the distractions can be good to allow yourself to focus on what is happening. To tell yourself that it's all okay. And to find something beyond it to draw yourself to.
Darkness can be your ally, but I wish I didn't have to rely on that. Because other people know how to get that sort of closure by sharing their thoughts with other people. Too anxious to cry when I was seeing Buddy die in front of me with my family. But the basement was there to allow me to let go of these emotions, where no one would see.
Fuck, I'm putting this out. It's too painful to keep looking over this.
I'm feeling surprisingly okay-ish at the moment though.
That's good to hear. Things haven't been too positive around here for a while, which I understand.
I don't know. On one hand, I'm not ignoring my feelings by doing that, but on the other, maybe it's dwelling on them too much? I can't figure it out what the balance is.
Yah. It can be hard to control. And when you indulge in swimming in your own thoughts, most of the time, you don't know that you hit to deep end until it's already happened. And the hard part is getting yourself back out of it, which usually requires some patience. And then there's times where you don't want to go back. Where you're just left at the mercy of the current and your own will to keep afloat. And it either overcomes you and pulls you under or you holdout and the current eventually sweeps you back to shore. There are lifeguards around that can sometimes bring you back to the shallows before the current does, but it's ultimately up to you whether you get out of the water or not.
You know it can be dangerous, But everyday is a good day to swim.
Huh. Kind of ironic if you think about it. This response isn't as it should've been...
How do people do that anyway? Is it even something that should be done?
That is all unknown to me. Still haven't brought myself to try, though I said I would.
@Psychokinesis
How do people do that anyway? Is it even something that should be done? I think it's totally fine and normal when other people share their thoughts, but as soon as I do it, I feel extremely uncomfortable and stupid.
No idea. I know it can work though. I did a few weeks ago on here. I had backed myself into a corner IRL in terms of work, but had kept it all to myself. So, in seeking help or understanding or validation or whatever it is I was searching for, I opened it all up here. Not just my current work habit, but my social life and family situation that I was pretty depressed about (not 'real' depressed though. Just a really sad feeling).
Needless to say, it worked mostly, but I quickly edited everything out of that comment and just left the depressed nature of my work ethic. I had given too much, but i also figured that it was useless to give out anything. Not at this point in my relationship with Internet strangers.
Eh, I just usually have this glum feeling of 'my life isn't as big as yours' , 'mine doesn't really matter as much' or 'this person just won't understand'. Heck, even mentioning all this right now is hard!
@Psychokinesis
How do people do that anyway? Is it even something that should be done? I think it's totally fine and normal when other p… moreeople share their thoughts, but as soon as I do it, I feel extremely uncomfortable and stupid.
No idea. I know it can work though. I did a few weeks ago on here. I had backed myself into a corner IRL in terms of work, but had kept it all to myself. So, in seeking help or understanding or validation or whatever it is I was searching for, I opened it all up here. Not just my current work habit, but my social life and family situation that I was pretty depressed about (not 'real' depressed though. Just a really sad feeling).
Needless to say, it worked mostly, but I quickly edited everything out of that comment and just left the depressed nature of my work ethic. I had given too much, but i also figured that it was useless to give out anything. Not at this point in my relationship with Internet stra… [view original content]
A week ago my parrot had passed away. She had died in my arms. I miss her so much and I can't believe she's gone. My room feels so hollow now without her. The weather was just about to get warmer so I was looking forward to taking her outdoors since she would always coo in excitement whenever I took her outside. I never loved an animal as much as I did for her and I only hope that she rests peacefully.
I've read a few sad stories... but this one is just... it really gets me for some reason...
I liked Quincy too and it was nice that you shared photos and stories about her. I remember way back, maybe around the time I first registered here (back when I didn't care much for or notice anyone around here...), I saw the pet thread and your bird always stood out to me for some reason. I can't believe she's gone either. She was a wonderful bird.
Hi. I was wondering if there was anyone here that I could private message. I don't want to waste anyone's time, but I'm afraid I may take too long to express what I'm hoping to once I set to writing. What I have to say may be uncomfortably heavy. I just feel I have nowhere else to turn. I'm sorry.
For the past couple of years something has felt really off about my life. I remember waking up one day and sitting in my bed all alone and getting this extreme feeling of loneliness that hasn’t left me since. I was isolated a lot asa child and never really felt the warmth and love of friends (and even my family to some extent). Now, I think I have schizophrenia. I was hearing voice last year and seeing things in the corner of my eye that weren’t really there. It went away for awhile but last week a friend asked out loud (in front of some other friends who didn’t know) if I had schizophrenia. It shocked me because I didn’t think it was that noticeable and I only told two people and he wasn’t one of them. Now I feel myself going back to my old state, I’m pulling away from people, social interaction has become impossible for me to with almost everyone (which wasn’t normal until recently) I’ve become paranoid, I feel like I’ve begun to emotionally turn off because these days things that used to make me happy, sad or angry haven’t. When I go into a depressive episode it just feels like I’m empty now, not sad. I’ve stared seeing things move that shouldn’t be, like the floor. I’m too paranoid to visit a doctor because I can’t explain why but I know it’s going to have repercussions in the future. I don’t know what I’m asking for here, I just wanted to get it out because I can’t talk to anyone in real life anymore.
Hi. I was wondering if there was anyone here that I could private message. I don't want to waste anyone's time, but I'm afraid I may take too long to express what I'm hoping to once I set to writing. What I have to say may be uncomfortably heavy. I just feel I have nowhere else to turn.
If you'd like to write it in public, but just think it will be too heavy or long-winded or adult-situational for some, what you can do is spoiler-tag it, even if it's not a spoiler. That will collapse your post down to a line that the reader has to expand to see. Explain in front of the spoiler tag in clear text what lies beyond, and the reader can decide if he/she wants to see it.
I’m too paranoid to visit a doctor because I can’t explain why but I know it’s going to have repercussions in the future. I don’t know what I’m asking for here, I just wanted to get it out because I can’t talk to anyone in real life anymore.
No problem, you can express what you want here. If you're not sure about seeing a doctor, and you have a job with a larger employer, check to see if they have something called "EAP" (Employee Assistance Program). A lot of places offer this, which is just a limited time paid benefit to talk to a doctor for free or cheap. It's all confidential, and if you don't like it, you don't ever have to talk to him/her again. EAP always has an end date, so you know they won't mess around.
You've offered kind words and thoughtful advice to many of the people on here. I hope this isn't odd considering we haven't spoken before, but thank you for being such a considerate person.
@Kenny726 :
Hi. I was wondering if there was anyone here that I could private message. I don't want to waste anyone's time, but I'm af… moreraid I may take too long to express what I'm hoping to once I set to writing. What I have to say may be uncomfortably heavy. I just feel I have nowhere else to turn.
If you'd like to write it in public, but just think it will be too heavy or long-winded or adult-situational for some, what you can do is spoiler-tag it, even if it's not a spoiler. That will collapse your post down to a line that the reader has to expand to see. Explain in front of the spoiler tag in clear text what lies beyond, and the reader can decide if he/she wants to see it.
@TWD_25 :
I’m too paranoid to visit a doctor because I can’t explain why but I know it’s going to have repercussions in the future. I don’t know what I’m asking for here, I just wanted to get it out because I can’t talk to anyone in real life any… [view original content]
If you feel really strongly about something, but don't really know why, or just feel like you need to get something off your chest, I would recommend sharing it with someone you can trust.
Some thoughts and emotions can be too hard or confusing to deal with on your own. Sometimes your missing a huge piece of the puzzle that for some reason you just can't see, and when you talk to an 'outsider' about it, they point out the piece straight away and you think "how tf didn't I notice that..?". Because sometimes when you're too caught up in the drama or too emotionally involved with something/someone, the obvious, rational stuff can be very hard to see.
But don't ever let anyone make you feel like you're wrong or stupid for feeling the way you do. Because you're not. Feelings can be confusing, they're not always right, but they're never wrong.
What I meant by my comment was that I feel like closing myself off from other people. It was pretty vague. I'm feeling surprisingly okay-ish… more at the moment though.
But I know what you mean, I used to do that too, especially when I was at my lowest (hmm around 15-17 maybe?). I would lock myself in my room with the light off and just sit there in the dark and think. I can't say that I'd recommend it to others though... I don't know. On one hand, I'm not ignoring my feelings by doing that, but on the other, maybe it's dwelling on them too much? I can't figure it out what the balance is.
Because other people know how to get that sort of closure by sharing their thoughts with other people.
How do people do that anyway? Is it even something that should be done? I think it's totally fine and normal when other people share their thoughts, but as soon as I do it, I feel extremely uncomfortable and stupid.
On a different note, that w… [view original content]
When I commented before, I had more graphic thoughts in mind that I did not follow through with below. I don't expect anyone to read through this mountain of text. Typing this, it's the middle of the night, I'm somewhat sick and can't sleep, and need to summon the resolve before I avoid it in the morning. It's a more general outline of my experiences with relationships and severe anxiety. Thank you to anyone who sacrifices the time to skim through this.
I was isolated even in my earliest memories, terrified of the family members that visited nearly each day and the children that grew familiar once I began school. Never in those years did I make a single friend, anything beyond the acquaintance; my first true, “close” relationship began just a year ago as I turned sixteen. I feel more profoundly alone than ever before.
At nine years old, obsessive thoughts, self-loathing, and a fantasy dependence blended into a perfect nightmare; I developed an eating disorder. These were the days I first became disillusioned with my family. Weight plunging to 50 pounds until age 13, my parents (Or my mother. My father didn’t realize a thing) – in aggressive, insensitive denial – denied me medical intervention. They began to buckle once its manifestation had changed (mild starvation to exercising 8 hours a day to binge/restricting, still lingering today to a lesser degree), though by then I had returned to “health” by gaining weight, but truthfully, my mother was driven to cruelty by her desperation. My brother was young and mimicked what she said. They would sit me in front of a plate of junk food and tell me how disgusting my underweight body looked. Once, at age 10, I threatened to stab myself and a ricochet of laughter sounded, along with goading. I’m at 113 pounds currently, which is my heaviest. I understand that it’s healthy for my height, but I still feel as if something in my fat distribution makes me hideous, not to mention that any hope for love is deflated with just a glance at my face in the mirror and a recollection of my nonexistent personality. I don’t have any redeeming qualities. Certainly not externally, and internally is painfully arguable. I couldn’t imagine a different world in true reality. I know who I want to be. I feel as if I’m poisoning myself. Hours each day may be sacrificed to evaluating myself with hysterical despair and analyzing calories and pursuing the same on the Internet.
When I was fourteen, suicidal ideation strengthened to the point at which I decided on an internal ultimatum: if my mother doesn’t allow me access to therapy, I’ll be forced to take my own life. I restricted myself to creating a bedroom from a spare room. I was caged within the same four walls, the same shattered mind, no escape, three months stretching out. Just me, the room, and my thoughts. This time, something had broken completely; whatever faith lingered in my family was snapped irrevocably. Imagine constant criticism in horrific detail, validating each crippling, paranoid insecurity.
I’m not blind to the significance of my mother taking me there, still today. But it’s become clear that my social anxiety and its comorbidity are severe to the point at which medication is – not used strongly – necessary. Even when alone I feel as if the eyes of an unforgiving God are probing my every action, from my manner of breathing, the beating of my heart, and the thoughts that are invisible externally. I sometimes fear cameras are being planted and watching me constantly. Speaking to family, the friend I’ve found (even casually), I feel the same terror. People are simply obstacles for me to navigate. I’m afraid to go downstairs to get a glass of water, sometimes delaying myself for hours. I tried in the past to connect with others through an account on this website, but sacrificed it in failure, remembering word by word the interactions I had even over a year later, haunted. I’ve begun commenting but I’m so disgusted and ashamed, at times reloading my profile every few minutes, heart lurching and stomach nauseous. Every word I speak feels unnatural, restrained, even when speaking intimately to the friend I’ve found (always over text). Something in my face conceals the constant fear, and it feels so isolating to look into her eyes and see she doesn’t know. She’s confided in me, and has said I listen, understand, and take an interest in her and her life in a way that no one has before. She’s been very empathetic towards me, but I don’t feel as if she understands and doubt whether she truly values me. I don’t know if I feel connected to her. We never see each other, despite me asking if she would like to meet up. I have so many dreams and ideas in my mind, but I can’t express them. I can’t express the way I live. I don’t want to burden her. I don’t want to hurt her by saying how deeply sad and afraid I am. I’m still alone. I just want to live for the first time.
I find myself within these daydreams hour by hour, beckoning without end. I feel intense love for people who don’t truly exist, and the sensation is hopelessly crushing. I just yearn for that connection in my real life but feel guilty admitting that just as I do ashamed; I don’t want to reduce them to a distraction or maladaptive coping mechanism ingrained since childhood.
Contrary to what this may express, I’m high achieving, and if my life were laid on paper, it would read fine, objectively. With a mix of CBT and “general” therapy over the past year and a half, I began to perform better in a few school clubs and dedicate a lot of myself to volunteer work (though I shamefully had to quit a position due to experiencing strong depersonalization/derealization each work day and performing quite poorly), though I loathe each moment and experience the same crippling symptoms, heightened by my increased exposure. If you aren’t familiar with American schooling, I have a true chance of attending the personal dream that is Brown University – a very good college with an atmosphere that really speaks to me. (Though I dream of attending, I’m not dead-set and have set my gaze on universities that carry the same subjective pull) Though as anyone applying, it’s hardly a promise. I wouldn’t be able to function if trends continue, either way. I always feel on the cusp of a great failure. Every word I’ve ever said or action I ever passively forced myself through fills me with an overwhelming shame. I just dream of a life where these images from the past and future aren’t flashing wordlessly in my mind, where I don’t carry these physical symptoms from wake to struggling sleep, where a great weight doesn’t overcome and paralyze me with the impression of a human presence probing from all directions.
I was accepted to attend Carnegie Mellon University for the coming summer without cost. My mother never once expressed that she was proud. Though I don’t need to rely on her words, it would just feel nice to be validated. It feels as if those illusions in my mind are materializing in reality, but I feel so hopeless because I’m still the same. Life won’t become the dance I dreamed of, the fantasies that literally jerked me from day to day. Just more pain, now in an unfamiliar environment that I will collapse within. No one will speak to me. I’ll just be a freak there, too. Everything I imagined in these college years away from my hostile, broken little home…won’t be.
I’d like to type her responses to the news of my acceptance, two weeks ago now with continuous outbursts of the same thoughts. It depicts our relationship well, assuming my responses are silence punctuated by apologies:
“You’re ruining my fucking life. You always have to fucking ruin everything!”
“So goddam selfish. Do you ever think of anyone but yourself?”
“Oh, so who brainwashed you to do this?”
“Why the fuck do I have to deal with all your papers?”
“What a goddamn freak! Going to school in the summer…Have you ever heard of something so goddamn ridiculous? It’s fucking weird.”
“Oh, so you cry when someone says ‘hi’, and expect to go off to college now?”
“Anything to escape us because we’re so terrible to you! Oh, am I hurting your feelings?”
“Oh, you’ll feel sorry when we’re all dead a year from now. If you value your little books over your family, go right the fuck ahead! You’ll wish you would’ve been here then.”
“Don’t ever fucking talk to me again.”
“Oh, you think you’re going to be anything but alone over there?”
“You’re just doing this to get into college, aren’t you! That’s all that matters. Your little status and getting away from your terrible family! Because God, your life is just so awful!”
“Oh, if you’re going to kill yourself, just do it! Have fun burning in Hell!”
She makes me question anything. A strong resentment surfaces inside me whenever she speaks, even when she is kind. I always anticipate a reaction.
I’m very reticent and lifeless around my family, fearful to divulge anything. Even a simple “How was your day?” or “Would you like to buy you anything from the store?” connect to matters I am deeply ashamed of, so I fail to respond. I know I can be infuriating. This conversation took place after my mom broke down in tears a week before, confessing that she felt helpless. I admitted the suicidal thoughts and visions that have followed me throughout the years (though not to their true level. I didn’t want to sound manipulative in the sense that I was flaunting suicide as leverage, even if that’s a true reflection of my mental state), and she admitted she had encouraged my father to consider medication despite not believing in it, that my problem was clearly “not normal”. He’s stern, very distant, and emotionally oblivious, the cool to my mother’s fire, words punctuated by occasional angry eruption. I thought perhaps this exchange had meant something, that despite being two grossly different people we had reached a compromise, that the love I scarcely believe in had overpowered her ignorance. It didn’t.
I know she cares. I hate painting her so one-dimensional. She’s right when she says I’m aching to break away, and that makes it all the worse. I promise again and again that I won’t abandon this family; I’m a cruel liar. I want to reach out to her and try to help her find a new understanding. I know that beneath the lashing rage there is a person who cares. But I loathe her. Hate her. I oscillate between this extreme empathy and condemnation. No one ever speaks about what happens in this home. There are around 15+ arguments, heated – unforgiving, and cruel – daily between our “blood”. They collapse, and it’s as if nothing had ever happened. No one says a word, like an unspoken pact. It infuriates me but, in my fear, I contribute. I’m silent. I want to be kind, cool, and compassionate. They’re just broken people continuing a broken pattern. Each day is a new horrible chronicle. I wish I could defend myself. I’m a pathetic little ragdoll.
I always apologize, and lately (especially with regards to attending CMU for the summer), she accuses me in turn. This pains me deeply. I don’t want to hurt others. I don’t want to. The thought makes me break into tears. I don’t believe my apologies are entitled to acceptance, but I feel so deeply sad and remorseful. I’ve confessed that I hate to hurt others and that if there’s anything I could do to make this less difficult for her (I must pre-plan what I’ll say. No natural communication), and she always replies: “Yeah fucking right, if you didn’t you wouldn’t do this to me. Clearly you don’t care about anyone but yourself”. I feel so deeply ashamed because there is truth beneath these outbursts. But I spoke to her before turning in my application, ensured I received her consent. And now she says that I snuck behind her back, selfish and careless. I forget no interaction, my memory stretching back past age six, cursing me without relent. Yet somehow, I doubt all that I believe to be true. I can see how blatantly manipulative much of this sounds. I just have a difficult time not placing the fault on myself. It feels cruel and unjust to speak this way about another person. I’m afraid to say the word, but I feel our relationship may be emotionally abusive. Just imagining how she would react to me thinking that…God. As for my father and grandmother it certainly is not much better.
I may hear her lamenting that I hate her. Somehow, she misinterprets me to the point of injustice yet carries startling insights into who I truly am. I’m ashamed of these dark emotions. But when this is how you speak to me, how am I to feel? I refuse to speak openly, inspiring intense jealousy towards my therapist and angry expression towards me. I know it must hurt, but expressing the slightest hint of truth, the delicate faith I’ve placed in her is always abused. I’m criticized for being emotionally blank (my face/voice is not very expressive), yet if ever was to say I felt hurt (even as a young child), I’d be taunted for being too sensitive. When arguments invariably surface, I just want to ask if this is truly what she wants me to hear from her, tell her I don’t believe my word is entitled to belief but that it is genuine, express why I feel the way I do and the importance of the opportunities I see before me. I just feel so powerless and defeated and say nothing at all. If I rushed in with the heat of the moment and cried “I love you”, I’d receive the same judgmental disbelief.
I just feel this opportunity at the school would be an opportunity to taste the life I dream for and find some solace away from my home. I am estranging myself after high school, though I don’t feel I will entirely despite that desperate pull to do so. It doesn’t seem right. I’m starting my life where I want to. I don’t value status, but I do feel this program will improve my chances for certain schools. It’s not my only motivation. That’s not who I am.
I’d have to break a family tradition where we vacation in a small town in Ohio. My extended family attends too (so she won’t be without friendly faces), and I promised my mother that I would be there the next year, that I understand how meaningful this little retreat is (this I state sincerely). I’m so afraid to bring up another word. She has false ideas that I’m failing to correct. I know I won’t be able to handle it, but I want to try. Being completely isolated six days for Easter holiday, the thought of coping with such for three months – I can’t do it again. The thoughts and the physical bombardment don’t end, consuming upwards of 14 hours a day when a schedule doesn’t guide me forward. I’m not doing them justice. I hope you believe their severity. I feel so detached from reality and myself. Only the fear. It’s all I know, all I ever have. I’m sorry for sounding so dramatic. I hope I don’t read as victimizing myself. I worry I do, that this is all a lie. I just don’t want to be alone. I want to be loved and love another. I want to fulfill my dream of studying and becoming a psychiatrist, contributing something meaningful to the world by treating, educating, and expressing myself creatively. Maybe that sounds arrogant. I’ll never be healthy enough to fulfill that role for others struggling. I just want to help others, but I can’t like this. I want life to feel real and natural. I’m afraid I’ll achieve everything and live with the same burden forever, that it will all mean nothing. I’m too broken to truly offer a relationship to another person, but I’m so alone. It would be selfish to demand where I can’t give. I don’t feel I’m capable of love though it’s nearly all I dream of. I don’t think I truly care about other people.
I can’t cope with another year before I get a chance at medication. It’s Hell. The hope even for it to work feels so hollow. Social anxiety is the demon that underlies the rest. I know I won’t act on my suicidal urges, but they’re so overwhelming, steal so much time. Then they’re the twisted fantasies, intrusive thoughts, obsessive gripes, eating and exercise behaviors, apathy, lack of motivation, constant daze/brain fog/lack of concentration, fear/hesitancy of undergoing the smallest tasks (sharpening a pencil, reading a book), physical pain, loneliness…I know my home life contributes. I don’t know if I should direct this blame internally.
People have been so kind to me, from the friend I opened myself to a supportive teacher and to the acquaintances I volunteer with. Their words fill me with excitement and gratitude and perhaps unhealthy idealization, yet make me sick and guilt-stricken. They’d be disgusted if they knew what I truly was. I’m so afraid of them all.
That was very well written. You've done remarkably well for someone in your situation.
I can tell you that going off to college away from your family will change your life dramatically for the better. I can't say that you will instantly become a normal, sociable person. However, a lot of the negativity falls away. The kids you've grown up with who may have made fun of you over the years aren't there anymore. If you attend a nice school, most of your fellow students will also be people who were better than the average high schooler, and they will tend to be nicer and more accepting than the people you now interact with.
I don't know if medication will help. Sometimes it works miracles, sometimes it does nothing, sometimes it makes things worse, and the only way to find out is to try it. If your parents won't let you, then it's going to be a while before it's an option.
When I commented before, I had more graphic thoughts in mind that I did not follow through with below. I don't expect anyone to read through… more this mountain of text. Typing this, it's the middle of the night, I'm somewhat sick and can't sleep, and need to summon the resolve before I avoid it in the morning. It's a more general outline of my experiences with relationships and severe anxiety. Thank you to anyone who sacrifices the time to skim through this.
(Spoiler)
Thank you. No one in school has ever been cruel to me, thankfully. There's light-hearted teasing and there have been a few comments, but I mostly fade into the background and have this timid, dopey, and oblivious image I'd love to break away from. Of course this being all you see of a person for 12 years, I understand entirely, even if I feel trapped. Being a part of a small, poor-performing and low-income district, a lot of people are actually rooting for me. It's really overwhelming to just be given that support. I know so many people have it much worse on that front, and I just wish it were different. I guess I always knew this logically, but I'm truly beginning to understand that not all relationships and people will be clones of what I've faced so far.
I appreciate you speaking so confidently. I know it will be a battle for a few years, but it means a lot to hear someone say they believe this isn't necessarily a life sentence. You're right. I may not be the expert at sensible (at both extremes), but I'm trying to stay as level-headed as I can about medication in the future, too.
That was very well written. You've done remarkably well for someone in your situation.
I can tell you that going off to college away fro… morem your family will change your life dramatically for the better. I can't say that you will instantly become a normal, sociable person. However, a lot of the negativity falls away. The kids you've grown up with who may have made fun of you over the years aren't there anymore. If you attend a nice school, most of your fellow students will also be people who were better than the average high schooler, and they will tend to be nicer and more accepting than the people you now interact with.
I don't know if medication will help. Sometimes it works miracles, sometimes it does nothing, sometimes it makes things worse, and the only way to find out is to try it. If your parents won't let you, then it's going to be a while before it's an option.
You are such an inspiration. You’ve gone through so much and managed to be accepted and receive a full scholarship for a summer program and have a chance of being accepted into an Ivy League. There are going to be people who are going to bring you down sometimes, which sadly, commonly come from family who are the worst critics in some cases. You are one hell of a fighter. I wish you nothing but success. I know you will achieve you dreams one day.
When I commented before, I had more graphic thoughts in mind that I did not follow through with below. I don't expect anyone to read through… more this mountain of text. Typing this, it's the middle of the night, I'm somewhat sick and can't sleep, and need to summon the resolve before I avoid it in the morning. It's a more general outline of my experiences with relationships and severe anxiety. Thank you to anyone who sacrifices the time to skim through this.
(Spoiler)
That fucking feeling when you're writing a long fucking reply that you've poured a lot of fucking emotion into and you accidentally click on the fucking logo and it takes you back to the home screen and you lose every-fucking-thing you just wrote.
That fucking feeling when you're writing a long fucking reply that you've poured a lot of fucking emotion into and you accidentally click on… more the fucking logo and it takes you back to the home screen and you lose every-fucking-thing you just wrote.
Fuck you internet.
Fuck you.
Thank you for the words. I really appreciate it. I'm sorry to hear you're going through a difficult time. It must've taken a lot of strength for you to take a healthy stand against what was occurring. Relationships should never drain you in that way, and you made the right decision, even though it aches. It's hard, but your mom is right. A new day is along the horizon.
You are such an inspiration. You’ve gone through so much and managed to be accepted and receive a full scholarship for a summer program and … morehave a chance of being accepted into an Ivy League. There are going to be people who are going to bring you down sometimes, which sadly, commonly come from family who are the worst critics in some cases. You are one hell of a fighter. I wish you nothing but success. I know you will achieve you dreams one day.
Hi everyone. I am sure quite a few of you have seen me around the forums on a somewhat regular basis (The Walking Dead forums in particular).
I hope that you guys are having a great day so far.
At the time of writing I am struggling to come up with a way to tell my story without it being a sob story and annoying.
Anyways I am a 17 year old that is close to graduating from school (I will graduate next year) and I am focused on studying to become a fitness instructor in college. I am a very quiet individual who likes to keep to himself but is very passionate for what he loves.
But my problem is that I overanalyse what people say to me and often take it the wrong way. I feel as if that I am a headache to those who I speak to and that I am very annoying and "irrelevant". This is mainly due to problems while I was younger and it has affected me in a very bad way. I have considered suicide for a while (I wouldn't have the guts to do it as I fear pain) and I feel that I am worthless.
To cope with the pain and take my mind off my problems I focus on Telltale's The Walking Dead.
The Walking Dead has shaped my morality and beliefs towards people and encouraged me to always do what I think is the right thing.
And I am sure many people have noticed how defensive I get over people sharing criticism of The Walking Dead and I realise that it shouldn't be the case but I cling to it as it helped me through my problems.
I feel that I relate to a lot of the characters. (no matter how unrelatable they may seem to you it is like looking into a mirror for me)
with The Final Season coming up I personally would like to see a happy ending to a Series that I hold dear to my heart (Even if it is called The Walking Dead, which the title suggests there is very little hope or happiness) Anyways sorry if my comment looks to be a sob story or attention seeking or anything. Hope everyone has a good day
I think it’s wonderful that you have passion that’ll keep you going. About the overanalyzing conversations, I’m going through the exact same thing. You might have a normal chat with someone and then a few minutes after, you start cringing at the fact that you may have said something wrong and that that person may have a negative perception about you. This exact reason is why I haven’t made any friends in college yet. I’ve always been told,” Don’t let fear take over your life.” You are not worthless. You were brought on this Earth for a reason. Everyone has a purpose. It’s just many haven’t found what their purpose is. However, you know your purpose. You know you want to attend college and pursue in a career in fitness. I’m trying to convince myself this and you need to convince yourself as well: stop overthinking. It ruins lives. Don’t do that to yourself. You’ve got this!
Hi everyone. I am sure quite a few of you have seen me around the forums on a somewhat regular basis (The Walking Dead forums in particular)… more.
I hope that you guys are having a great day so far.
At the time of writing I am struggling to come up with a way to tell my story without it being a sob story and annoying.
Anyways I am a 17 year old that is close to graduating from school (I will graduate next year) and I am focused on studying to become a fitness instructor in college. I am a very quiet individual who likes to keep to himself but is very passionate for what he loves.
But my problem is that I overanalyse what people say to me and often take it the wrong way. I feel as if that I am a headache to those who I speak to and that I am very annoying and "irrelevant". This is mainly due to problems while I was younger and it has affected me in a very bad way. I have considered suicide for a while (I wouldn't have the guts to do it … [view original content]
Thank you for the kind words. I am highly appreciative of it. And the same to you. It may be strange or feel weird to be around new people but eventually they will accept you and welcome you. So you keep your head up and keep trying!
I think it’s wonderful that you have passion that’ll keep you going. About the overanalyzing conversations, I’m going through the exact same… more thing. You might have a normal chat with someone and then a few minutes after, you start cringing at the fact that you may have said something wrong and that that person may have a negative perception about you. This exact reason is why I haven’t made any friends in college yet. I’ve always been told,” Don’t let fear take over your life.” You are not worthless. You were brought on this Earth for a reason. Everyone has a purpose. It’s just many haven’t found what their purpose is. However, you know your purpose. You know you want to attend college and pursue in a career in fitness. I’m trying to convince myself this and you need to convince yourself as well: stop overthinking. It ruins lives. Don’t do that to yourself. You’ve got this!
Comments
I've returned as an even angrier bastard now that I'm a full term into Year 12. There's some absolute assholes in our year level this year who make absolutely no effort while the rest of us are having panic attacks with the amount of work we're getting. I'm stuck with this one guy in Psychology who goes out of his way to be rude to everyone around him (last year he said F U to a teacher who told him off for talking over her) who never contributes anything to the class except dumbass comments, ignores others who politely ask him to move when he's blocking the board, brings 3 folders full of work because he can't be bothered using his locker and takes up two whole seats, and sits there drawing during class rather than paying attention.
Then there's others who just sit in class either screwing around and distracting everyone and never put any effort in (they give the laziest answers to questions as if they don't wanna be there), one of whom was on his phone while the class was reading a book that we have an essay on. It pisses me off that this education system drives some kids into depression with the workload but somehow these kids who'd rather slack off and do nothing still end up making it to Year 12 when there's kids out there who would put in ten times more effort and accomplish more in their lives if they got a proper education, but instead my high school is filled with people who'd rather waste everyone's time.
It's going to be a mess when things start up again, but life is messy sometimes, so just do the best you can with it.
Is there any classwork you've done so far this year, before everyone walked out, that you think you might be more interested in? School has to cover a lot of subjects and doesn't always get to go into great depth with all of them. There might be something you have the opportunity to study more now when you wouldn't normally have had time. This Internet thingy can help with that, too.
I feel like crawling into a cave and never coming out.
I'm sorry to hear that. what's wrong? But only tell me if you want to talk about it, no pressure.?
I know the feeling. I like to seek out dark places to calm down. I go into my basement and find a place in a corner to sit with the lights off to think. I started to use that the day my dog died. Or crawl underneath my bed and just lay there. I'd probably go into my closet too if it weren't so cluttered. Just limiting the distractions can be good to allow yourself to focus on what is happening. To tell yourself that it's all okay. And to find something beyond it to draw yourself to.
Darkness can be your ally, but I wish I didn't have to rely on that. Because other people know how to get that sort of closure by sharing their thoughts with other people. Too anxious to cry when I was seeing Buddy die in front of me with my family. But the basement was there to allow me to let go of these emotions, where no one would see.
Fuck, I'm putting this out. It's too painful to keep looking over this.
I loved a dog once
RIP buddy.
Thank you
Caves can be pretty.
Wrong? What's wrong with wanting to live in a cave? And never leaving? It's been my dream as long as I can remember. I'll show you all. City livin' is fer loserz!
Terribly lame jokes aside, I don't really know... I cause so much pain for myself over petty things, I guess...
Ha, I actually would like to live in a cave myself, ( as long as there's no rats or mice.)? But, joking aside I hope you start doing better soon, and remember don't be to hard on yourself.?
I’ve joked in the past about wanting to steal a yacht and start a yacht tribe like those Amazon rain forest ones. Now that I think about it it kinda does sound awesome. Screw society, let’s live on a yacht where we would feast upon fruits and the bounties of the ocean
What I meant by my comment was that I feel like closing myself off from other people. It was pretty vague. I'm feeling surprisingly okay-ish at the moment though.
But I know what you mean, I used to do that too, especially when I was at my lowest (hmm around 15-17 maybe?). I would lock myself in my room with the light off and just sit there in the dark and think. I can't say that I'd recommend it to others though... I don't know. On one hand, I'm not ignoring my feelings by doing that, but on the other, maybe it's dwelling on them too much? I can't figure it out what the balance is.
How do people do that anyway? Is it even something that should be done? I think it's totally fine and normal when other people share their thoughts, but as soon as I do it, I feel extremely uncomfortable and stupid.
On a different note, that was you that had the dog Buddy? I remember commenting on that ages ago... "Buddy is a beautiful dog". Wow.
That's good to hear. Things haven't been too positive around here for a while, which I understand.
Yah. It can be hard to control. And when you indulge in swimming in your own thoughts, most of the time, you don't know that you hit to deep end until it's already happened. And the hard part is getting yourself back out of it, which usually requires some patience. And then there's times where you don't want to go back. Where you're just left at the mercy of the current and your own will to keep afloat. And it either overcomes you and pulls you under or you holdout and the current eventually sweeps you back to shore. There are lifeguards around that can sometimes bring you back to the shallows before the current does, but it's ultimately up to you whether you get out of the water or not.
You know it can be dangerous, But everyday is a good day to swim.
Huh. Kind of ironic if you think about it.
This response isn't as it should've been...
That is all unknown to me. Still haven't brought myself to try, though I said I would.
And yep, that was me
I just ended a friendship of 12 years which is a bummer
No idea. I know it can work though. I did a few weeks ago on here. I had backed myself into a corner IRL in terms of work, but had kept it all to myself. So, in seeking help or understanding or validation or whatever it is I was searching for, I opened it all up here. Not just my current work habit, but my social life and family situation that I was pretty depressed about (not 'real' depressed though. Just a really sad feeling).
Needless to say, it worked mostly, but I quickly edited everything out of that comment and just left the depressed nature of my work ethic. I had given too much, but i also figured that it was useless to give out anything. Not at this point in my relationship with Internet strangers.
Eh, I just usually have this glum feeling of 'my life isn't as big as yours' , 'mine doesn't really matter as much' or 'this person just won't understand'. Heck, even mentioning all this right now is hard!
That sucks. Losing a friendship is really hard. Hope you've got other good friends
If you don't mind me asking, what was the reason for it?
The former friend basically played with my sympathy and it has affected me mentally and I can’t do it anymore. This was the final sign to end it.
That hurts but sounds like it was the right choice.
I had story ideas I wanted to share, but forget the thread. Can someone kindly point me in the right direction.
thanks @WarpSpeed I'm glad I didn't got completely ignored
https://telltale.com/community/discussion/50940/telltale-should-make-a-series-post-your-ideas-for-a-new-telltale-series-here-unofficial
Write it down on a sheet of paper you keep by your computer, and give yourself a little reward for everything you accomplish.
Me mourning a deceased housepet \/
A week ago my parrot had passed away. She had died in my arms. I miss her so much and I can't believe she's gone. My room feels so hollow now without her. The weather was just about to get warmer so I was looking forward to taking her outdoors since she would always coo in excitement whenever I took her outside. I never loved an animal as much as I did for her and I only hope that she rests peacefully.
R.I.P Quincy, I'll miss you.
Geez that's sad. I'm so sorry for your loss.
R.I.P Quincy.
I've read a few sad stories... but this one is just... it really gets me for some reason...
I liked Quincy too and it was nice that you shared photos and stories about her. I remember way back, maybe around the time I first registered here (back when I didn't care much for or notice anyone around here...), I saw the pet thread and your bird always stood out to me for some reason. I can't believe she's gone either. She was a wonderful bird.
R.I.P Quincy
Hi. I was wondering if there was anyone here that I could private message. I don't want to waste anyone's time, but I'm afraid I may take too long to express what I'm hoping to once I set to writing. What I have to say may be uncomfortably heavy. I just feel I have nowhere else to turn. I'm sorry.
For the past couple of years something has felt really off about my life. I remember waking up one day and sitting in my bed all alone and getting this extreme feeling of loneliness that hasn’t left me since. I was isolated a lot asa child and never really felt the warmth and love of friends (and even my family to some extent). Now, I think I have schizophrenia. I was hearing voice last year and seeing things in the corner of my eye that weren’t really there. It went away for awhile but last week a friend asked out loud (in front of some other friends who didn’t know) if I had schizophrenia. It shocked me because I didn’t think it was that noticeable and I only told two people and he wasn’t one of them. Now I feel myself going back to my old state, I’m pulling away from people, social interaction has become impossible for me to with almost everyone (which wasn’t normal until recently) I’ve become paranoid, I feel like I’ve begun to emotionally turn off because these days things that used to make me happy, sad or angry haven’t. When I go into a depressive episode it just feels like I’m empty now, not sad. I’ve stared seeing things move that shouldn’t be, like the floor. I’m too paranoid to visit a doctor because I can’t explain why but I know it’s going to have repercussions in the future. I don’t know what I’m asking for here, I just wanted to get it out because I can’t talk to anyone in real life anymore.
@Kenny726 :
If you'd like to write it in public, but just think it will be too heavy or long-winded or adult-situational for some, what you can do is spoiler-tag it, even if it's not a spoiler. That will collapse your post down to a line that the reader has to expand to see. Explain in front of the spoiler tag in clear text what lies beyond, and the reader can decide if he/she wants to see it.
@TWD_25 :
No problem, you can express what you want here. If you're not sure about seeing a doctor, and you have a job with a larger employer, check to see if they have something called "EAP" (Employee Assistance Program). A lot of places offer this, which is just a limited time paid benefit to talk to a doctor for free or cheap. It's all confidential, and if you don't like it, you don't ever have to talk to him/her again. EAP always has an end date, so you know they won't mess around.
You've offered kind words and thoughtful advice to many of the people on here. I hope this isn't odd considering we haven't spoken before, but thank you for being such a considerate person.
Found this awesome video somehow. Figured I'd spread it around.
If you're feeling down about yourself, watch this. Seriously.
If you feel really strongly about something, but don't really know why, or just feel like you need to get something off your chest, I would recommend sharing it with someone you can trust.
Some thoughts and emotions can be too hard or confusing to deal with on your own. Sometimes your missing a huge piece of the puzzle that for some reason you just can't see, and when you talk to an 'outsider' about it, they point out the piece straight away and you think "how tf didn't I notice that..?". Because sometimes when you're too caught up in the drama or too emotionally involved with something/someone, the obvious, rational stuff can be very hard to see.
But don't ever let anyone make you feel like you're wrong or stupid for feeling the way you do. Because you're not. Feelings can be confusing, they're not always right, but they're never wrong.
So yeah, there's my opinion. Hope it helps.
When I commented before, I had more graphic thoughts in mind that I did not follow through with below. I don't expect anyone to read through this mountain of text. Typing this, it's the middle of the night, I'm somewhat sick and can't sleep, and need to summon the resolve before I avoid it in the morning. It's a more general outline of my experiences with relationships and severe anxiety. Thank you to anyone who sacrifices the time to skim through this.
I was isolated even in my earliest memories, terrified of the family members that visited nearly each day and the children that grew familiar once I began school. Never in those years did I make a single friend, anything beyond the acquaintance; my first true, “close” relationship began just a year ago as I turned sixteen. I feel more profoundly alone than ever before.
At nine years old, obsessive thoughts, self-loathing, and a fantasy dependence blended into a perfect nightmare; I developed an eating disorder. These were the days I first became disillusioned with my family. Weight plunging to 50 pounds until age 13, my parents (Or my mother. My father didn’t realize a thing) – in aggressive, insensitive denial – denied me medical intervention. They began to buckle once its manifestation had changed (mild starvation to exercising 8 hours a day to binge/restricting, still lingering today to a lesser degree), though by then I had returned to “health” by gaining weight, but truthfully, my mother was driven to cruelty by her desperation. My brother was young and mimicked what she said. They would sit me in front of a plate of junk food and tell me how disgusting my underweight body looked. Once, at age 10, I threatened to stab myself and a ricochet of laughter sounded, along with goading. I’m at 113 pounds currently, which is my heaviest. I understand that it’s healthy for my height, but I still feel as if something in my fat distribution makes me hideous, not to mention that any hope for love is deflated with just a glance at my face in the mirror and a recollection of my nonexistent personality. I don’t have any redeeming qualities. Certainly not externally, and internally is painfully arguable. I couldn’t imagine a different world in true reality. I know who I want to be. I feel as if I’m poisoning myself. Hours each day may be sacrificed to evaluating myself with hysterical despair and analyzing calories and pursuing the same on the Internet.
When I was fourteen, suicidal ideation strengthened to the point at which I decided on an internal ultimatum: if my mother doesn’t allow me access to therapy, I’ll be forced to take my own life. I restricted myself to creating a bedroom from a spare room. I was caged within the same four walls, the same shattered mind, no escape, three months stretching out. Just me, the room, and my thoughts. This time, something had broken completely; whatever faith lingered in my family was snapped irrevocably. Imagine constant criticism in horrific detail, validating each crippling, paranoid insecurity.
I’m not blind to the significance of my mother taking me there, still today. But it’s become clear that my social anxiety and its comorbidity are severe to the point at which medication is – not used strongly – necessary. Even when alone I feel as if the eyes of an unforgiving God are probing my every action, from my manner of breathing, the beating of my heart, and the thoughts that are invisible externally. I sometimes fear cameras are being planted and watching me constantly. Speaking to family, the friend I’ve found (even casually), I feel the same terror. People are simply obstacles for me to navigate. I’m afraid to go downstairs to get a glass of water, sometimes delaying myself for hours. I tried in the past to connect with others through an account on this website, but sacrificed it in failure, remembering word by word the interactions I had even over a year later, haunted. I’ve begun commenting but I’m so disgusted and ashamed, at times reloading my profile every few minutes, heart lurching and stomach nauseous. Every word I speak feels unnatural, restrained, even when speaking intimately to the friend I’ve found (always over text). Something in my face conceals the constant fear, and it feels so isolating to look into her eyes and see she doesn’t know. She’s confided in me, and has said I listen, understand, and take an interest in her and her life in a way that no one has before. She’s been very empathetic towards me, but I don’t feel as if she understands and doubt whether she truly values me. I don’t know if I feel connected to her. We never see each other, despite me asking if she would like to meet up. I have so many dreams and ideas in my mind, but I can’t express them. I can’t express the way I live. I don’t want to burden her. I don’t want to hurt her by saying how deeply sad and afraid I am. I’m still alone. I just want to live for the first time.
I find myself within these daydreams hour by hour, beckoning without end. I feel intense love for people who don’t truly exist, and the sensation is hopelessly crushing. I just yearn for that connection in my real life but feel guilty admitting that just as I do ashamed; I don’t want to reduce them to a distraction or maladaptive coping mechanism ingrained since childhood.
Contrary to what this may express, I’m high achieving, and if my life were laid on paper, it would read fine, objectively. With a mix of CBT and “general” therapy over the past year and a half, I began to perform better in a few school clubs and dedicate a lot of myself to volunteer work (though I shamefully had to quit a position due to experiencing strong depersonalization/derealization each work day and performing quite poorly), though I loathe each moment and experience the same crippling symptoms, heightened by my increased exposure. If you aren’t familiar with American schooling, I have a true chance of attending the personal dream that is Brown University – a very good college with an atmosphere that really speaks to me. (Though I dream of attending, I’m not dead-set and have set my gaze on universities that carry the same subjective pull) Though as anyone applying, it’s hardly a promise. I wouldn’t be able to function if trends continue, either way. I always feel on the cusp of a great failure. Every word I’ve ever said or action I ever passively forced myself through fills me with an overwhelming shame. I just dream of a life where these images from the past and future aren’t flashing wordlessly in my mind, where I don’t carry these physical symptoms from wake to struggling sleep, where a great weight doesn’t overcome and paralyze me with the impression of a human presence probing from all directions.
I was accepted to attend Carnegie Mellon University for the coming summer without cost. My mother never once expressed that she was proud. Though I don’t need to rely on her words, it would just feel nice to be validated. It feels as if those illusions in my mind are materializing in reality, but I feel so hopeless because I’m still the same. Life won’t become the dance I dreamed of, the fantasies that literally jerked me from day to day. Just more pain, now in an unfamiliar environment that I will collapse within. No one will speak to me. I’ll just be a freak there, too. Everything I imagined in these college years away from my hostile, broken little home…won’t be.
I’d like to type her responses to the news of my acceptance, two weeks ago now with continuous outbursts of the same thoughts. It depicts our relationship well, assuming my responses are silence punctuated by apologies:
“You’re ruining my fucking life. You always have to fucking ruin everything!”
“So goddam selfish. Do you ever think of anyone but yourself?”
“Oh, so who brainwashed you to do this?”
“Why the fuck do I have to deal with all your papers?”
“What a goddamn freak! Going to school in the summer…Have you ever heard of something so goddamn ridiculous? It’s fucking weird.”
“Oh, so you cry when someone says ‘hi’, and expect to go off to college now?”
“Anything to escape us because we’re so terrible to you! Oh, am I hurting your feelings?”
“Oh, you’ll feel sorry when we’re all dead a year from now. If you value your little books over your family, go right the fuck ahead! You’ll wish you would’ve been here then.”
“Don’t ever fucking talk to me again.”
“Oh, you think you’re going to be anything but alone over there?”
“You’re just doing this to get into college, aren’t you! That’s all that matters. Your little status and getting away from your terrible family! Because God, your life is just so awful!”
“Oh, if you’re going to kill yourself, just do it! Have fun burning in Hell!”
She makes me question anything. A strong resentment surfaces inside me whenever she speaks, even when she is kind. I always anticipate a reaction.
I’m very reticent and lifeless around my family, fearful to divulge anything. Even a simple “How was your day?” or “Would you like to buy you anything from the store?” connect to matters I am deeply ashamed of, so I fail to respond. I know I can be infuriating. This conversation took place after my mom broke down in tears a week before, confessing that she felt helpless. I admitted the suicidal thoughts and visions that have followed me throughout the years (though not to their true level. I didn’t want to sound manipulative in the sense that I was flaunting suicide as leverage, even if that’s a true reflection of my mental state), and she admitted she had encouraged my father to consider medication despite not believing in it, that my problem was clearly “not normal”. He’s stern, very distant, and emotionally oblivious, the cool to my mother’s fire, words punctuated by occasional angry eruption. I thought perhaps this exchange had meant something, that despite being two grossly different people we had reached a compromise, that the love I scarcely believe in had overpowered her ignorance. It didn’t.
I know she cares. I hate painting her so one-dimensional. She’s right when she says I’m aching to break away, and that makes it all the worse. I promise again and again that I won’t abandon this family; I’m a cruel liar. I want to reach out to her and try to help her find a new understanding. I know that beneath the lashing rage there is a person who cares. But I loathe her. Hate her. I oscillate between this extreme empathy and condemnation. No one ever speaks about what happens in this home. There are around 15+ arguments, heated – unforgiving, and cruel – daily between our “blood”. They collapse, and it’s as if nothing had ever happened. No one says a word, like an unspoken pact. It infuriates me but, in my fear, I contribute. I’m silent. I want to be kind, cool, and compassionate. They’re just broken people continuing a broken pattern. Each day is a new horrible chronicle. I wish I could defend myself. I’m a pathetic little ragdoll.
I always apologize, and lately (especially with regards to attending CMU for the summer), she accuses me in turn. This pains me deeply. I don’t want to hurt others. I don’t want to. The thought makes me break into tears. I don’t believe my apologies are entitled to acceptance, but I feel so deeply sad and remorseful. I’ve confessed that I hate to hurt others and that if there’s anything I could do to make this less difficult for her (I must pre-plan what I’ll say. No natural communication), and she always replies: “Yeah fucking right, if you didn’t you wouldn’t do this to me. Clearly you don’t care about anyone but yourself”. I feel so deeply ashamed because there is truth beneath these outbursts. But I spoke to her before turning in my application, ensured I received her consent. And now she says that I snuck behind her back, selfish and careless. I forget no interaction, my memory stretching back past age six, cursing me without relent. Yet somehow, I doubt all that I believe to be true. I can see how blatantly manipulative much of this sounds. I just have a difficult time not placing the fault on myself. It feels cruel and unjust to speak this way about another person. I’m afraid to say the word, but I feel our relationship may be emotionally abusive. Just imagining how she would react to me thinking that…God. As for my father and grandmother it certainly is not much better.
I may hear her lamenting that I hate her. Somehow, she misinterprets me to the point of injustice yet carries startling insights into who I truly am. I’m ashamed of these dark emotions. But when this is how you speak to me, how am I to feel? I refuse to speak openly, inspiring intense jealousy towards my therapist and angry expression towards me. I know it must hurt, but expressing the slightest hint of truth, the delicate faith I’ve placed in her is always abused. I’m criticized for being emotionally blank (my face/voice is not very expressive), yet if ever was to say I felt hurt (even as a young child), I’d be taunted for being too sensitive. When arguments invariably surface, I just want to ask if this is truly what she wants me to hear from her, tell her I don’t believe my word is entitled to belief but that it is genuine, express why I feel the way I do and the importance of the opportunities I see before me. I just feel so powerless and defeated and say nothing at all. If I rushed in with the heat of the moment and cried “I love you”, I’d receive the same judgmental disbelief.
I just feel this opportunity at the school would be an opportunity to taste the life I dream for and find some solace away from my home. I am estranging myself after high school, though I don’t feel I will entirely despite that desperate pull to do so. It doesn’t seem right. I’m starting my life where I want to. I don’t value status, but I do feel this program will improve my chances for certain schools. It’s not my only motivation. That’s not who I am.
I’d have to break a family tradition where we vacation in a small town in Ohio. My extended family attends too (so she won’t be without friendly faces), and I promised my mother that I would be there the next year, that I understand how meaningful this little retreat is (this I state sincerely). I’m so afraid to bring up another word. She has false ideas that I’m failing to correct. I know I won’t be able to handle it, but I want to try. Being completely isolated six days for Easter holiday, the thought of coping with such for three months – I can’t do it again. The thoughts and the physical bombardment don’t end, consuming upwards of 14 hours a day when a schedule doesn’t guide me forward. I’m not doing them justice. I hope you believe their severity. I feel so detached from reality and myself. Only the fear. It’s all I know, all I ever have. I’m sorry for sounding so dramatic. I hope I don’t read as victimizing myself. I worry I do, that this is all a lie. I just don’t want to be alone. I want to be loved and love another. I want to fulfill my dream of studying and becoming a psychiatrist, contributing something meaningful to the world by treating, educating, and expressing myself creatively. Maybe that sounds arrogant. I’ll never be healthy enough to fulfill that role for others struggling. I just want to help others, but I can’t like this. I want life to feel real and natural. I’m afraid I’ll achieve everything and live with the same burden forever, that it will all mean nothing. I’m too broken to truly offer a relationship to another person, but I’m so alone. It would be selfish to demand where I can’t give. I don’t feel I’m capable of love though it’s nearly all I dream of. I don’t think I truly care about other people.
I can’t cope with another year before I get a chance at medication. It’s Hell. The hope even for it to work feels so hollow. Social anxiety is the demon that underlies the rest. I know I won’t act on my suicidal urges, but they’re so overwhelming, steal so much time. Then they’re the twisted fantasies, intrusive thoughts, obsessive gripes, eating and exercise behaviors, apathy, lack of motivation, constant daze/brain fog/lack of concentration, fear/hesitancy of undergoing the smallest tasks (sharpening a pencil, reading a book), physical pain, loneliness…I know my home life contributes. I don’t know if I should direct this blame internally.
People have been so kind to me, from the friend I opened myself to a supportive teacher and to the acquaintances I volunteer with. Their words fill me with excitement and gratitude and perhaps unhealthy idealization, yet make me sick and guilt-stricken. They’d be disgusted if they knew what I truly was. I’m so afraid of them all.
That was very well written. You've done remarkably well for someone in your situation.
I can tell you that going off to college away from your family will change your life dramatically for the better. I can't say that you will instantly become a normal, sociable person. However, a lot of the negativity falls away. The kids you've grown up with who may have made fun of you over the years aren't there anymore. If you attend a nice school, most of your fellow students will also be people who were better than the average high schooler, and they will tend to be nicer and more accepting than the people you now interact with.
I don't know if medication will help. Sometimes it works miracles, sometimes it does nothing, sometimes it makes things worse, and the only way to find out is to try it. If your parents won't let you, then it's going to be a while before it's an option.
Thank you. No one in school has ever been cruel to me, thankfully. There's light-hearted teasing and there have been a few comments, but I mostly fade into the background and have this timid, dopey, and oblivious image I'd love to break away from. Of course this being all you see of a person for 12 years, I understand entirely, even if I feel trapped. Being a part of a small, poor-performing and low-income district, a lot of people are actually rooting for me. It's really overwhelming to just be given that support. I know so many people have it much worse on that front, and I just wish it were different. I guess I always knew this logically, but I'm truly beginning to understand that not all relationships and people will be clones of what I've faced so far.
I appreciate you speaking so confidently. I know it will be a battle for a few years, but it means a lot to hear someone say they believe this isn't necessarily a life sentence. You're right. I may not be the expert at sensible (at both extremes), but I'm trying to stay as level-headed as I can about medication in the future, too.
I hope you have a wonderful day!
You are such an inspiration. You’ve gone through so much and managed to be accepted and receive a full scholarship for a summer program and have a chance of being accepted into an Ivy League. There are going to be people who are going to bring you down sometimes, which sadly, commonly come from family who are the worst critics in some cases. You are one hell of a fighter. I wish you nothing but success. I know you will achieve you dreams one day.
It definitely does hurt because I considered this person as family. But as my mother told me, “You will lose friends and you will gain friends.”
That fucking feeling when you're writing a long fucking reply that you've poured a lot of fucking emotion into and you accidentally click on the fucking logo and it takes you back to the home screen and you lose every-fucking-thing you just wrote.
Fuck you internet.
Fuck you.
Is it in your drafts? Don't the messages periodically auto-save?
Thank you for the words. I really appreciate it. I'm sorry to hear you're going through a difficult time. It must've taken a lot of strength for you to take a healthy stand against what was occurring. Relationships should never drain you in that way, and you made the right decision, even though it aches. It's hard, but your mom is right. A new day is along the horizon.
Hi everyone. I am sure quite a few of you have seen me around the forums on a somewhat regular basis (The Walking Dead forums in particular).
I hope that you guys are having a great day so far.
At the time of writing I am struggling to come up with a way to tell my story without it being a sob story and annoying.
Anyways I am a 17 year old that is close to graduating from school (I will graduate next year) and I am focused on studying to become a fitness instructor in college. I am a very quiet individual who likes to keep to himself but is very passionate for what he loves.
But my problem is that I overanalyse what people say to me and often take it the wrong way. I feel as if that I am a headache to those who I speak to and that I am very annoying and "irrelevant". This is mainly due to problems while I was younger and it has affected me in a very bad way. I have considered suicide for a while (I wouldn't have the guts to do it as I fear pain) and I feel that I am worthless.
To cope with the pain and take my mind off my problems I focus on Telltale's The Walking Dead.
The Walking Dead has shaped my morality and beliefs towards people and encouraged me to always do what I think is the right thing.
And I am sure many people have noticed how defensive I get over people sharing criticism of The Walking Dead and I realise that it shouldn't be the case but I cling to it as it helped me through my problems.
I feel that I relate to a lot of the characters. (no matter how unrelatable they may seem to you it is like looking into a mirror for me)
with The Final Season coming up I personally would like to see a happy ending to a Series that I hold dear to my heart (Even if it is called The Walking Dead, which the title suggests there is very little hope or happiness) Anyways sorry if my comment looks to be a sob story or attention seeking or anything. Hope everyone has a good day
I think it’s wonderful that you have passion that’ll keep you going. About the overanalyzing conversations, I’m going through the exact same thing. You might have a normal chat with someone and then a few minutes after, you start cringing at the fact that you may have said something wrong and that that person may have a negative perception about you. This exact reason is why I haven’t made any friends in college yet. I’ve always been told,” Don’t let fear take over your life.” You are not worthless. You were brought on this Earth for a reason. Everyone has a purpose. It’s just many haven’t found what their purpose is. However, you know your purpose. You know you want to attend college and pursue in a career in fitness. I’m trying to convince myself this and you need to convince yourself as well: stop overthinking. It ruins lives. Don’t do that to yourself. You’ve got this!
Thank you for the kind words. I am highly appreciative of it. And the same to you. It may be strange or feel weird to be around new people but eventually they will accept you and welcome you. So you keep your head up and keep trying!