Malcolm
Malcolm was now riding with his brother Samuel back home, back to Summerspring Keep. Malcolm was enjoying the peaceful silence but he had questions "Samuel, why hasn't father bent the knee?" Malcolm asked which earned him a glare from his brother "Bend the knee? Why would he do that? It goes against everything that we are!"
Samuel clearly wasn't happy with Malcolm's question but he persisted "Samuel, you must know that we don't stand a chance of winning this?"
Samuel sighed "Look, I know it looks bad but this war is happening, whether we like it or not. Take it up with father if you feel strongly about this." Samuel then threw some wine to Malcolm "I always drink after a fight and you did well back there."
Malcolm smiled, Samuel's always loved his wine and Malcolm decided to welcome the change of topic. Malcolm took a sip of the wine and looked to Samuel "I'm curious, it's been at least a month since I've left, has father decided on an heir yet?" Samuel has an identical twin brother, Lucas. And their father had yet to decide who should succeed him.
Samuel groaned "No, the old fool still can't make up his mind! So I suggested to our dear brother that we decide it on a drinking game, he then suggested that I go fuck myself, so to answer your next question, yes Lucas is still a prick." The brothers laughed, it's true that Lucas could be tough to like, he had the worst temper out of all of the Branfields but you could always catch some care in Lucas' harsh words, though he would never admit it.
Malcolm looked forward and couldn't help but smile at the sight, he saw fields and ahead of them was Summerspring keep, the sun always shined beautifully here.
"Welcome home, brother" Samuel gave Malcolm a warm smile as they marched forward to the keep. They passed through the courtyard and the smallfolk seemed pleased to see Samuel back. Malcolm overheard whispers among the small folk "Is that Malcolm? I knew he'd come back! Samuel came through."
Malcolm handed Samuel his wine back as they climbed off the horses and walked inside the keep. "You've always been popular with the smallfolk." Samuel remarked and Malcolm simply smiled.
As they entered the great hall of Summerspring Malcolm smiled as he saw the skylight in the middle of the hall. Then he noticed his father, Damien Branfield in the Lord's chair along with his mother, Talia Branfield next to him. Then Malcolm couldn't help but smile when he saw Talia's handmaiden. The first thing Malcolm always noticed about her, was her hair, red with a shade of copper tied in a loose bun. Then her freckled face and green eyes. "Is that Lucina?" Malcolm asked as if he was in awe.
"Gods, don't tell me you're still infatuated with her." Samuel smirked.
"Shut your mouth, Samuel." Malcolm immediately remarked to his brother. It was true that Malcolm's had a crush on Lucina for a few years now but he hated when his brothers teased him about it.
"You are aren't you?" Samuel teased his brother and Malcolm got more embarassed and annoyed "I will punch your eyes!" he threatened.
"Step forward boys." The two brothers heard their mother and they stepped forward. "Hello mother, father" Malcolm greeted his parents. Malcolm's father walked towards them, "it's good to have you back, Malcolm." Damien held his hand on his shoulder while Talia hugged him.
"What a grand reunion." The family heard a stern voice and they turned to see Lucas along with Malcolm's little brother, Preston, named in honor of Lucina's father. "Malcolm!" Preston ran forward and hugged Malcolm. Malcolm laughed, Preston's always been a wild child. Preston released Malcolm and Lucas approached "Finally remembered your duty to your family did you?" Lucas said sternly, he looked exactly like Samuel except Lucas had his hair tied back into a ponytail. "Oh come on Lucas!" Samuel groaned and Lucas responded with a sigh "Come here, Malcolm, I just missed you that's all." Lucas and Malcom and shared a brief hug.
Damien then interrupted "enough reunions, we need to get to business". Talia smirked and shook her head "'business' can wait until tommorow, Damien. Your son is tired. Malcolm, go say hello to Lucina, then go to bed."
"uhh... yeah, I can do that." Malcolm nodded. Lucas groaned as he and the rest were essentially kicked out. Lucina approched Malcolm as they left and smiled, she always had the most beautiful smile.
"It's good to see you Malcolm." She greeted him. "'It's good to see you'? Is that it?" Malcolm smirked and Lucina raised an eyebrow "You were expecting something else?"
"How about a hug?" Malcolm opened his arms.
"Sure... after you have a bath" she smirked. Malcolm responded with a groan "What? come on!"
"I'm serious Malcolm, you're filthy and covered in blood, you're not touching me." Malcolm sighed. Lucina's got a thing about cleaniness, dirt can't touch her without her freaking out. Usually Malcolm thought it was cute but at times like this, it really annoyed him. "Fine" he complained.
"Don't mope" she laughed. "You'd better get to bed before your mother comes back." Malcolm nodded and Lucina walked away. He stopped her and said "It's good to see you too."
Lucina smiled "goodnight Malcolm" and she left.
"Goodnight Malcolm" Samuel mocked as he revealed himself and Malcolm groaned but before getting mad he noticed the absence of two of his siblings. "Where's Elissa and Jacob?" Malcolm asked and Samuel frowned "That's actually what we need to talk about tommorow, but it can wait."
Malcolm decided to let it go "You going somewhere?" Samuel nodded, "I'm going down to the Tavern, wanna come? Better than turning in early"
Malcolm smiled "Good point, what's Lucas doing?"
"He's in the small council chamber, you know how he is, always hard at work. You can help him if you want, I don't mind"
Samuel suddenly smirked "Or you could take Lucina's advice and get that bath to get that hug" he teased his brother.
"Give it a rest" Malcolm sighed and Samuel raised his hands in a mock surrender. Malcolm thought about it, he was getting a little rank, he could use a bath. Drinking with Samuel sounds nice though, or he could go to Lucas, it'd be nice to know what's going on.
[Drinking with Samuel][Small council with Lucas][Take a bath]
Gregor
Gregor was waiting by Ironrath's gate, his allies were meant to be arriving soon but he was starting to get impatient.
"Still waiting?" Gregor heard his friend Thermund behind him.
"Yes" Gregor groaned "And I'm beginning to get annoyed" he complained.
Thermund laughed "I can imagine" Gregor looked relieved as he saw the banner of House Whitehill approach "Open the gate!" Gregor ordered.
Thermund raised an eyebrow "You seem awfully pleased to be greeting the enemy."
"Unlike my father, I hold no grudge against the Whitehills, besides, right now we're allies with a common enemy."
"Forrester! Gregor heard the very loud voice of Ludd Whitehill "Ludd Whitehill, welcome to Ironrath!" Gregor watched Ludd approach with a huge smile on his face. "A warmer welcome than I was told to expect." he turned to an older man beside him "You see, Ser Larion? I told you the Forresters would know how to welcome a guest." Larion looked like quite an angry guy, he has brown hair thinning into grey and he wore all black along with a fur cape decorated in Whitehill colours. "With all due respect my Lord, honoring guest right does not make an honorable House, many of have us have fallen due to Thorren's tyranny.
Gregor glared at Ser Larion and Ludd sighed "Forgive Ser Larion, his hearts in the right place, he serves House Whitehill and there's a lot of bad blood between our Houses, as you well know."
Gregor nodded, "of course, I understand. Hopefully fighting alongside eachother will change things." Larion chuckled, "somehow I doubt it."
Gregor was about to continue the debate but decided against it, "I was expecting your father."
Ludd laughed "Be thankful you got me instead. My father's got a lot of anger in him."
"Rightfully so." Larion exclaimed. "Lord Randall, like your father is needed at the Trident. Same thing with Degore and Glenmore right behind us."
As if on que, two men approached, one in Degore colours and the other in Glenmore.
Glenmore was tall and well built with a bow on his back, the other was a bit shorter but clearly tough. "Royland Degore." Introduced himself in a blunt manner. "Eamon Glenmore, a pleasure" he shook Gregors hand, he had a rather strong grip.
"Welcome to Ironrath, my Lords" Gregor greeted them all. "If you'll come with me, we'll discuss our plans in the great hall."
All the Lords took their seats and Gregor took his place in his father's chair. It felt odd to sit there.
"For starters we should talk about the forces we have" Gregor looked around to find only silence. "I guess I'll start..." Gregor sat up in an attempt to look the part of a Lord "My father has left two hundred and fifty fighting men to be used at our disposal, not much I know, but I trust combining our forces will make up for that."
Ludd finished a goblet of wine and spoke up "I've two hundred and eighty men with me. Not counting Ser Larion here."
Gregor seemed pleased and looked to Eamon. He seemed hesitant to answer "Twenty." he said.
"TWENTY!?" Ludd reacted in outrage.
"Are you fucking serious?" Royland glared at Eamon.
Gregor could not believe this bullshit. "Are the Glenmores not taking this threat seriously?"
Eamon was quick to defend himself "My father didn't want to waste more men than needed, on one House."
"This is fucking bullshit" Ludd. groaned and many at the table seemed to feel the same.
"They're good men though! My father's elite guard, just one is ten times better than any common soldier"
"I don't care if they're the bloody gods themselves! This is House Branfield we're talking about! They aren't just any one House." Ludd slamed his fist onto the table. "Do you know their words? In Arms to the End. TO THE END! They'd fight us to the last man if there were only five of them." Ludd was clearly not happy. Neither was Gregor but he chose to continue rather than ridicule Eamon further.
"What of you Royland? I hope House Degore brought some good men? My father has told me often the Degores have supported many in times of war."
Royland sat forward "four hundred men" Royland stated proudly. Gregor widened his eyes in surprise, wheras Ludd and Larion looked impressed. "I've also brought a battering ram with me as I assumed we'd be attacking the Branfields keep."
Larion raised an eyebrow "That's certainly generous."
"House Degore takes this threat seriously." Royland said as he glared at Eamon.
Gregor was pleased "So that would make... nine hundred and fifty men plus the battering ram." Gregor sighed "It's good but may not be enough."
"It's what we have Larion" stated "And from what I hear the Branfields are in a bad spot."
Gregor nodded "Perhaps you're right, in the meantime send out ravens to your bannermen, make use of what oaths you can."
Eamon remained silent, it was probably for the best.
"Will we be getting any of your Ironwood shields?" Ludd asked cautiously as if he was concerned about Gregor being sensitive about Ironwood.
Gregor smiled "Yes in fact, I'll have my men give out as many as they can." Ludd seemed pleased.
"When will we be marching?" Royland asked bluntly.
"At first light, make sure your forces are ready."
Eamon finally spoke up "I assume there's nothing more to discuss?"
"No, you may stay in Ironrath for tonight, I had the servants arrange guest rooms for you all. Make yourselves comfortable, my hall is your hall, that'll be all my lords." everyone quickly left the hall. Eamon himself looked particularly unhappy. Gregor wondered if he should console him.
"Gregor?" He suddenly heard the voice of a woman, he turned and saw his wife. "Elissa? What's the matter?" he stood up and approached her.
"It's my family, they're not all warriors, my little brother is only ten years old!" Gregor was saddened by this, he hated the idea of killing a child. "I'm sorry Elissa but there's nothing I can do, they're... they're all going to die". He saw a tear fall down her cheek.
"Why?" She began to get angry. Gregor began to get nervous "I have my orders, I have no choice."
"You're so afraid of your father that you can't make choices for yourself? Don't be such a coward!"
"I may not like it but the way my father does things works!" Gregor snapped "House Forrester would not be as far as it is if my father showed mercy. House Forrester has no enemies because my father killed them."
"The Whitehills are alive" Elissa countered and Gregor sighed.
"I'm sorry Elissa." Gregor frowned and marched out of the great hall, he could hear his wife crying as he left.
Thermund was waiting for Gregor outside "My lord? Are you all right?"
"I'm fine Thermund." he lied. "What's everyone up to?"
Thermund smiled "Well Ludd has gone to the tavern, I like him already."
"Gods, I could use a drink." Gregor sighed, he wasn't good at hiding his stress.
Thermund seemed puzzeled. "Royland Degore has taken up sparring in the courtyard, a fight could do you some good."
"What about Eamon?" Thermund pointed to Ironraths walls, "he's up there admiring the view."
Thermund looked to his Lord "Any idea how you want to spend the remainder of the day?"
[Drinking with Ludd] [Sparring with Royland][Console Eamon]
Eamon remained silent, it was probably for the best.
"Will we be getting any of your Ironwood shields?" Ludd asked cautiously as if he was … moreconcerned about Gregor being sensitive about Ironwood.
Gregor smiled "Yes in fact, I'll have my men give out as many as they can." Ludd seemed pleased.
"When will we be marching?" Royland asked bluntly.
"At first light, make sure your forces are ready."
Eamon finally spoke up "I assume there's nothing more to discuss?"
"No, you may stay in Ironrath for tonight, I had the servants arrange guest rooms for you all. Make yourselves comfortable, my hall is your hall, that'll be all my lords." everyone quickly left the hall. Eamon himself looked particularly unhappy. Gregor wondered if he should console him.
"Gregor?" He suddenly heard the voice of a woman, he turned and saw his wife. "Elissa? What's the matter?" he stood up and approached her.
"It's my family, they're not all warriors, my little brother… [view original content]
I just had to imagine how Malcolm must look right now. I mean, in the previous part he killed a guy in a pretty gory way, I guess he really is covered in blood. Could make a small council meeting with Lucas or drinking with Samuel a little bit uncomfortable for them if they have to speak with a guy that is covered in blood and probably reeking a bit. After just returning home, Malcolm could probably use a bath either way, even if he wouldn't have gotten into that fight. Aside from that, Lucina is certainly going to approve of this, which is good for me. Speaking of, I'm already loving the way you're writing her, that was spot on!
[Drinking with Ludd]
I must say, your version of Ludd is a pleasant surprise. He seems so different from the man he is during the game, so I'm curious what exactly happened that turned him into the bitter jerk we know. Here, he is so... positive? Certainly a lot more affable and respectful and I'm digging it. I certainly would like to learn more about him before he turns into the Ludd we know from the game. I'm also liking the idea that Gregor and Ludd as young men have gotten along well for a short time.
In general, this was a very nice part! In fact, I found it even more enjoyable than the great prologue. I think I liked both PoV's equally, although Malcolm is currently my favourite in terms of personality. Maybe it's just me, but I see some similarities to Asher in him, in terms of sarcasm and general outlook on life and I really like it. Gregor meanwhile... man, he was blunt as hell in his talk with Elissa. I felt so sorry for her and he's just straightforward and brutally honest XD I think it suits him though, but still, poor Elissa. Anyways, well done strat for the first chapter, I'm so excited for more
Eamon remained silent, it was probably for the best.
"Will we be getting any of your Ironwood shields?" Ludd asked cautiously as if he was … moreconcerned about Gregor being sensitive about Ironwood.
Gregor smiled "Yes in fact, I'll have my men give out as many as they can." Ludd seemed pleased.
"When will we be marching?" Royland asked bluntly.
"At first light, make sure your forces are ready."
Eamon finally spoke up "I assume there's nothing more to discuss?"
"No, you may stay in Ironrath for tonight, I had the servants arrange guest rooms for you all. Make yourselves comfortable, my hall is your hall, that'll be all my lords." everyone quickly left the hall. Eamon himself looked particularly unhappy. Gregor wondered if he should console him.
"Gregor?" He suddenly heard the voice of a woman, he turned and saw his wife. "Elissa? What's the matter?" he stood up and approached her.
"It's my family, they're not all warriors, my little brother… [view original content]
And both sound amazing! I'm especially enjoying the Branfield words, that's just pure badassery, but Summerspring Keep has a nice sound to it as well. Great job, Dillon!
your version of Ludd is a pleasant surprise. he seems so different
The way I'm writing Ludd has a lot to do with dialogue from Rodrik and Gwyn in the game.
Rodrik: "Your father doesn't smile much does he?"
Gwyn: "He used to, when my mother was still alive."
Ludd made a lot of jokes in a very dickish way in the game but according to Gwyn, he used to be happy. So I imagined him to be a really cheerful guy. Of course he's still Ludd, so I kept his loud voice and his temper.
I'm already loving the way you're writing her, that was spot on!
I am so glad to hear that! I was so worried when wriiting this part as I really wanted to get it right.
he's just straightforward and brutally honest
I'm not sure if I showed it very well but Gregor's been really stressed lately, with his father and now with having to kill the Branfields. So that has something to do with his bluntness.
[Take a bath]
I just had to imagine how Malcolm must look right now. I mean, in the previous part he killed a guy in a pretty gory way, I… more guess he really is covered in blood. Could make a small council meeting with Lucas or drinking with Samuel a little bit uncomfortable for them if they have to speak with a guy that is covered in blood and probably reeking a bit. After just returning home, Malcolm could probably use a bath either way, even if he wouldn't have gotten into that fight. Aside from that, Lucina is certainly going to approve of this, which is good for me. Speaking of, I'm already loving the way you're writing her, that was spot on!
[Drinking with Ludd]
I must say, your version of Ludd is a pleasant surprise. He seems so different from the man he is during the game, so I'm curious what exactly happened that turned him into the bitter jerk we know. Here, he is so... positive? Certainly a lot more affable and respectful and … [view original content]
More great work! It's going really, really well so far! In particular, the dialogue has been great and I'm liking the characterisations, they're both faithful to their originals while being unique at the same time. Just having all these characters around each other and interacting together is just amazing.
I vote for [Small Council with Lucas] Malcolm's physical state aside, it'd best for him to fully get a bearing on what is going on - sooner rather than later.
Oh, and [Drinking with Ludd] - this sounds far too entertaining to pass up. Plus, I'd like to get to know this Ludd a bit better.
Eamon remained silent, it was probably for the best.
"Will we be getting any of your Ironwood shields?" Ludd asked cautiously as if he was … moreconcerned about Gregor being sensitive about Ironwood.
Gregor smiled "Yes in fact, I'll have my men give out as many as they can." Ludd seemed pleased.
"When will we be marching?" Royland asked bluntly.
"At first light, make sure your forces are ready."
Eamon finally spoke up "I assume there's nothing more to discuss?"
"No, you may stay in Ironrath for tonight, I had the servants arrange guest rooms for you all. Make yourselves comfortable, my hall is your hall, that'll be all my lords." everyone quickly left the hall. Eamon himself looked particularly unhappy. Gregor wondered if he should console him.
"Gregor?" He suddenly heard the voice of a woman, he turned and saw his wife. "Elissa? What's the matter?" he stood up and approached her.
"It's my family, they're not all warriors, my little brother… [view original content]
The way I'm writing Ludd has a lot to do with dialogue from Rodrik and Gwyn in the game.
Ah, I think I remember that conversation now. It's an interesting detail and I'm liking this cheerful Ludd. It makes me wonder how he, as well as the entire Forrester-Whitehill conflict, would have turned out if his wife wouldn't have died.
I'm not sure if I showed it very well but Gregor's been really stressed lately, with his father and now with having to kill the Branfields. So that has something to do with his bluntness.
You've certainly shown it well, do not worry. I can understand why Gregor is stressed and that this is causing him to be really tensed up and blunt right now. It's just that i really feel sorry for Elissa, because from her perspective, this must be even worse and Gregor is not making it any easier for her. Not that I blame him, I mean, he's doing what he can and what he has to.
your version of Ludd is a pleasant surprise. he seems so different
The way I'm writing Ludd has a lot to do with dialogue from Rodri… morek and Gwyn in the game.
Rodrik: "Your father doesn't smile much does he?"
Gwyn: "He used to, when my mother was still alive."
Ludd made a lot of jokes in a very dickish way in the game but according to Gwyn, he used to be happy. So I imagined him to be a really cheerful guy. Of course he's still Ludd, so I kept his loud voice and his temper.
I'm already loving the way you're writing her, that was spot on!
I am so glad to hear that! I was so worried when wriiting this part as I really wanted to get it right.
he's just straightforward and brutally honest
I'm not sure if I showed it very well but Gregor's been really stressed lately, with his father and now with having to kill the Branfields. So that has something to do with his bluntness.
Eamon remained silent, it was probably for the best.
"Will we be getting any of your Ironwood shields?" Ludd asked cautiously as if he was … moreconcerned about Gregor being sensitive about Ironwood.
Gregor smiled "Yes in fact, I'll have my men give out as many as they can." Ludd seemed pleased.
"When will we be marching?" Royland asked bluntly.
"At first light, make sure your forces are ready."
Eamon finally spoke up "I assume there's nothing more to discuss?"
"No, you may stay in Ironrath for tonight, I had the servants arrange guest rooms for you all. Make yourselves comfortable, my hall is your hall, that'll be all my lords." everyone quickly left the hall. Eamon himself looked particularly unhappy. Gregor wondered if he should console him.
"Gregor?" He suddenly heard the voice of a woman, he turned and saw his wife. "Elissa? What's the matter?" he stood up and approached her.
"It's my family, they're not all warriors, my little brother… [view original content]
Eamon remained silent, it was probably for the best.
"Will we be getting any of your Ironwood shields?" Ludd asked cautiously as if he was … moreconcerned about Gregor being sensitive about Ironwood.
Gregor smiled "Yes in fact, I'll have my men give out as many as they can." Ludd seemed pleased.
"When will we be marching?" Royland asked bluntly.
"At first light, make sure your forces are ready."
Eamon finally spoke up "I assume there's nothing more to discuss?"
"No, you may stay in Ironrath for tonight, I had the servants arrange guest rooms for you all. Make yourselves comfortable, my hall is your hall, that'll be all my lords." everyone quickly left the hall. Eamon himself looked particularly unhappy. Gregor wondered if he should console him.
"Gregor?" He suddenly heard the voice of a woman, he turned and saw his wife. "Elissa? What's the matter?" he stood up and approached her.
"It's my family, they're not all warriors, my little brother… [view original content]
Royland's family fought and died in the greyjoy rebellion so it's safe to assume they did. Plus Royland speaks proper so he surely came from a noble House.
The voting is closed! Malcolm will Take a bath and Gregor will go Drinking with Ludd.
I'm not gonna make promises on when the next part will be out. Sometimes I write pretty slow and other times I write with the speed of the Flash.
The next part we'll learn Malcolm's objective for chapter 1 and Gregor will begin the march on Summerspring keep.
There's something I'd like your opinion on. After reading my parts again I can't help but think it looks really plain. I'm happy with the dialogue, I think that's where I really shine. I also like the actual events that happen but everything in between looks really plain to me. Please share your thoughts Does anyone else feel this way?
I feel that the story is going okay so far. Perhaps you could split it into more paragraphs like Liquid suggested before. You can add more additional description of the surroundings, characters as well as some observation thoughts of the situations they are placed at, same as describing how they feel at the moment or while the conversation itself. I think then it will be even more perfect that it already is, with simple a bit more text surrounding the dialogs :-)
The voting is closed! Malcolm will Take a bath and Gregor will go Drinking with Ludd.
I'm not gonna make promises on when the next part wil… morel be out. Sometimes I write pretty slow and other times I write with the speed of the Flash.
The next part we'll learn Malcolm's objective for chapter 1 and Gregor will begin the march on Summerspring keep.
There's something I'd like your opinion on. After reading my parts again I can't help but think it looks really plain. I'm happy with the dialogue, I think that's where I really shine. I also like the actual events that happen but everything in between looks really plain to me. Please share your thoughts Does anyone else feel this way?
There's something I'd like your opinion on. After reading my parts again I can't help but think it looks really plain. I'm happy with the dialogue, I think that's where I really shine. I also like the actual events that happen but everything in between looks really plain to me. Please share your thoughts Does anyone else feel this way?
Ugh, I hate to focus on negative aspects. I always find that hard to do, since I automatically focus on everything positive and whenever I mention something negative, I feel like nitpicking. I mean, I have a hard time criticizing something I enjoy. That said, upon closer inspection, there are a few things I feel you could improve on. And in the end, I think this could be helpful. Please, don't take this as a sign that I don't enjoy the story. Quite the contrary, I love the story so far and you show a lot of talent! What I'm going to bring up now isn't even bothering me that much, but I feel like the story will be even better with these suggestions.
So as you've said, the dialogue is your biggest strength. So far, a majority of the first part consists of dialogue. I don't think the dialogue itself should be lessened, but maybe the rest can be expanded, that's where I feel you could improve. Of course, that would mean that the parts are necessarily getting longer. For example, there are descriptions. You have described Lucina and Larion very well, with precise words that really gave me an idea how these characters look, but I have no mental image of Malcolm's family, or Thermund or the young Ludd Whitehill. Similarly, I have noticed you haven't described Summerspring Keep. Now, describing castles is something I hate in FoT, but at least some key characterstics of the castle (like, for example, a particularly high tower, a moat or beautiful surroundings) could help with visualizing the scene.
Another thing you could put more emphasis on are the thoughts and emotions of the characters. You already do that, but there could still be improvements and with more of these, the lines between the dialogue will automatically be expanded and the whole scene will feel more immersive and lively. Here are two small examples to what I mean:
All the Lords took their seats and Gregor took his place in his father's chair. It felt odd to sit there.
In this case, you could explain why it feels odd to Gregor. Does he feel inferior to his father? Not worthy to sit there? Uncomfortable with the thought of actual responsibility?
"I'm sorry Elissa." Gregor frowned and marched out of the great hall, he could hear his wife crying as he left.
Here, you could focus on how Gregor feels in this situation. I think part of why he came across as so blunt and uncaring was because we learned little of his emotions in this part. The scene with Elissa lived from Elissa's emotions, but I feel it could have been a lot longer if we would have learned of Gregor's thoughts and feelings in this situation. I imagine he feels incredibly conflicted, sorrowful that he has been tasked with massacring people who are his family by marriage and that he has to hurt his wife so much in doing so. The Elissa scene in general could have been longer, with more emotions on Gregor's part, or perhaps more arguing on Elissa's.
All in all, these things are not bothering me too much, even if it might look that way, considering the length of this post. But since you feel that way, I hope my suggestions can help you improving the parts in a way that makes you completely satisfied with them. You have already crafted an intriguing storyline and the dialogue is top quality, which means you definitely have the talent to expand the parts in between. I think this story will be even better if you describe stuff in more detail, explain how characters and locations look, how they feel in situations, or even just small actions and reactions that give us an idea how non-PoV characters feel in a situation. Like for example that part where Ludd slams his fist on the table, that's what I mean, just in greater capacity.
And like Mathea said, the paragraphs could help a bit. Compared to the prologue, this was a huge step forward in terms of layout, but there are some scenes, especially in Gregor's part, where I feel you should use a completely new paragraph instead of just starting a new line. Especially the scene with Elissa comes to mind.
But yeah, nitpicks. Helpful nitpicks, I hope. I already love this story and you are a great writer with a lot of talent, so I hope my suggestions will help in improving the parts between the dialogues. Of course, that would mean the parts will probably be longer, which in turn means you'll need more time to finish them. But don't worry about that, I think we're all patient.
The voting is closed! Malcolm will Take a bath and Gregor will go Drinking with Ludd.
I'm not gonna make promises on when the next part wil… morel be out. Sometimes I write pretty slow and other times I write with the speed of the Flash.
The next part we'll learn Malcolm's objective for chapter 1 and Gregor will begin the march on Summerspring keep.
There's something I'd like your opinion on. After reading my parts again I can't help but think it looks really plain. I'm happy with the dialogue, I think that's where I really shine. I also like the actual events that happen but everything in between looks really plain to me. Please share your thoughts Does anyone else feel this way?
There's something I'd like your opinion on. After reading my parts again I can't help but think it looks really plain. I'm happy with the di… morealogue, I think that's where I really shine. I also like the actual events that happen but everything in between looks really plain to me. Please share your thoughts Does anyone else feel this way?
Ugh, I hate to focus on negative aspects. I always find that hard to do, since I automatically focus on everything positive and whenever I mention something negative, I feel like nitpicking. I mean, I have a hard time criticizing something I enjoy. That said, upon closer inspection, there are a few things I feel you could improve on. And in the end, I think this could be helpful. Please, don't take this as a sign that I don't enjoy the story. Quite the contrary, I love the story so far and you show a lot of talent! What I'm going to bring up now isn't even bothering me that much, but I feel like the st… [view original content]
Hey guys! I feel that I should keep you in the loop of how things are going. I decided to take a break after writing the first two parts and that gave me the time to figure out the roles for your submitted characters.
I've started writing again and if all goes well, the next part will be finished either tommorow or the day after.
For now I want to ask you a couple questions.
So far, who is your favourite submitted character?
So far, excluding Malcolm and Elissa, who is your favourite Branfield?
I've started writing again and if all goes well, the next part will be finished either tommorow or the day after.
Oh yes, I'm so excited for it! This is going to be awesome I hope more people will see this amazing story in time. Now for the questions:
So far, who is your favourite submitted character?
Hm, we have seen Lucina and Larien out of the submitted characters so far, right? I like both, but Lucina certainly got a spot in my heart already. The way you wrote her in the first part has been wonderful and I'm surely looking forward for future plans you have in mind for her. That said, Larien sounds like an interesting guy as well, but we haven't seen that much of him yet.
So far, excluding Malcolm and Elissa, who is your favourite Branfield?
I think I like Samuel the most out of the Branfield's, not counting Malcolm and Elissa of course. He seems easy-going and like a lot of fun. I also enjoy the dynamic he has with Malcolm. A close second would be Lucas, who sounds like a very complex character. He also has an interesting dynamic with Malcolm, though so far, I like Samuel a bit more.
Hey guys! I feel that I should keep you in the loop of how things are going. I decided to take a break after writing the first two parts and… more that gave me the time to figure out the roles for your submitted characters.
I've started writing again and if all goes well, the next part will be finished either tommorow or the day after.
For now I want to ask you a couple questions.
So far, who is your favourite submitted character?
So far, excluding Malcolm and Elissa, who is your favourite Branfield?
I've started writing again and if all goes well, the next part will be finished either tommorow or the day after.
Oh yes, I'm so exc… moreited for it! This is going to be awesome I hope more people will see this amazing story in time. Now for the questions:
So far, who is your favourite submitted character?
Hm, we have seen Lucina and Larien out of the submitted characters so far, right? I like both, but Lucina certainly got a spot in my heart already. The way you wrote her in the first part has been wonderful and I'm surely looking forward for future plans you have in mind for her. That said, Larien sounds like an interesting guy as well, but we haven't seen that much of him yet.
So far, excluding Malcolm and Elissa, who is your favourite Branfield?
I think I like Samuel the most out of the Branfield's, not counting Malcolm and Elissa of course. He seems easy-going and like a lot of fun. I also enjoy the dynamic he has with Ma… [view original content]
Malcolm
Malcolm gasped when he saw his reflection in the bath water "Gods, I am filthy!" Malcolm couldn't believe it. Why didn't Samuel say anything? "The shit probably thought it'd be funny." Malcolm sighed as he sat in the bath and decided to take the opportunity to relax, and reflect on his thoughts.
Malcolm missed this, just relaxing at home and enjoying the beauty of Summerspring keep but he always eventually got sick of his father and would leave home for about a month before returning. He always returned when he started missing Lucina, Malcolm swore she looked more beautiful everytime he saw her. Of course he missed his brothers as well.
After Malcolm finished his bath and reflecting on his thoughts, he climbed out of the bath, dried himself and got changed. After he was done, Malcolm decided he should probably head to bed.
On his way to his room Malcolm heard shouting by the window. He looked out the window and saw his little brother Preston in the courtyard swinging furiously at a practice dummy with a wooden sword. That's odd, what was he doing out so late. Malcolm decided to investigate.
Malcom saw Preston getting more aggresive with the dummy when his sword broke "Ah, shit!" Preston shouted and Malcolm chuckled alerting Preston to his presence. Preston always had a bad habit of cursing, he was smart about it though, he never did it when their father was in the room.
"Malcolm, what are you doing here?" Preston asked defensively.
"What are you doing here?" Malcolm countered as he crouched down to Preston's height.
Preston laughed awkwardly "I was training" he ran his hand through his shaggy brown hair and Malcolm sighed.
"In the middle of the night?" Malcolm questioned him and Preston nodded. "Lucas trained every day and every night! Now He's the best warrior in House Branfielfd, he's even better than father!"
Malcolm smiled, Preston wasn't wrong. Lucas is really good with a sword and worked hard at it.
Preston suddenly frowned "though he doesn't train much anymore." This made Malcolm concerned, Lucas rarely smiled but he was always happy with a sword in his hand, it helped him vent his anger and frustration, plus he loved a good fight, if he's stopped training then something must've happened.
Malcolm quickly changed the topic "Well if you train all night then not only will you be a good fighter like Lucas, but you'll be an angry shit like Lucas." Preston responded with a laugh "All right, all right, I'll go to bed."
Malcolm smiled and sent his brother off when Preston suddenly stopped "Malcolm, can I ask you something?"
Malcolm rolled his eyes but agreed "Go for it."
Preston seemed serious. "I ovearheard mother and Lucina talking." Malcolm smirked. 'Eavesdropping you mean.'
Preston continued "I didn't hear much, mother mentioned father caring about Lucina and not to be so hard on him. I was about to leave when I heard them mention that I was named after Lucina's father."
Malcolm sighed, they didn't really talk about Lucina's father much and Preston was never told that he was named after him.
Preston looked up to Malcolm "could you tell me about him?"
Malcolm frowned, he felt like he shouldn't, though Preston did deserve to know about him but it should be father or Lucina who tells him. "It's not my place to say."
Preston didn't like that, he glared at Malcolm "Fine, I'll ask Lucina then--"
"No! Don't ask Lucina, it's not a happy memory and you'll just upset her." Malcolm warned Preston.
"But father must have named me after him for a reason!" Preston persisted "It feels like there's something I should be living up too to but I have no idea what. please just tell me about him."
Malcolm groaned, Preston did deserve to know, Malcolm knew the story but he wasn't there like father and Lucina. Preston may only have more questions that Malcolm couldn't answer but maybe knowing the story would help Preston find a purpose.
[Tell Preston about Lucina's father][Don't tell Preston about Lucina's father]
Gregor
"Fuck it, I could use a drink and it might give me a chance to get to know Ludd." Gregor reasoned with his desire to drink.
Thermund smiled "well go on then, I'll keep things under control here."
"Thank you Thermund" Gregor smiled and made his way down to the Tavern to meet Ludd.
"Hahaha!" Gregor heard Ludd laugh as he entered, Gods he was loud.
"Forrester! Over here!" Ludd called out to Gregor and he approached. Ludd was quite a large fellow and he looked strong, he would likely be a force to be reckoned with on the battlefield, it couldn't hurt to make a friend of him.
"I see you've made yourself at home already, Ludd." Gregor gave Ludd a friendly smile and Ludd replied by handing Gregor a mug "Come drink with me, there's something I'd like to talk about"
Gregor nodded and sat with Ludd as he drank from his mug.
Ludd smiled "I hope you're not offended when I say our fathers are arrogant fools" Ludd said boldy and Gregor laughed.
"Not at all, I've thought the same multiple times"
Ludd laughed "That's good to hear, it's just that this bloodfeud seems so pointless!" Ludd began to rant "That dead guy killed this dead guy so now all the living are supposed to kill eachother?" Ludd seemed visibly angry "it's fucking infuriating! I want no part of it!"
Gregor sighed "It does seem rather pointless doesn't it? I've tried to talk sense into my father but he just doesn't trust your family"
Ludd seemed deep in thought "that's... interesting. Your father has trust issues whereas my father's reasons seem more personal."
Gregor raised an eyebrow "what do you mean?"
Ludd sighed "My father hates your father, my uncle died when Thorren took the river valley from us."
Gregor frowned "I didn't know that, I'm sorry."
Ludd groaned "ugh, it's fine. To be fair we did take it from you first. But then again my father says we were provoked." Ludd sighed "I don't know."
Gregor had been thinking about this for a while "I wish things could change."
Ludd made a bold statement "wishing isn't worth a damn, our fathers won't live forevor Gregor, one day we'll rule our Houses and the future is up to us."
Gregor was a bit skeptical "we're not the first Forrester and Whitehill to talk this way. Something always seems to get in the way."
Ludd was deep in thought "Do you think things will ever change? Or are we destined to always be enemies?"
It was a good question, Gregor hoped things could change but he had his doubts. What if some of what his father says is true? Maybe the Whitehills aren't to be trusted.
["We'll always be enemies"]["One day things have to change"]
Malcolm
Malcolm gasped when he saw his reflection in the bath water "Gods, I am filthy!" Malcolm couldn't believe it. Why didn't Samuel say… more anything? "The shit probably thought it'd be funny." Malcolm sighed as he sat in the bath and decided to take the opportunity to relax, and reflect on his thoughts.
Malcolm missed this, just relaxing at home and enjoying the beauty of Summerspring keep but he always eventually got sick of his father and would leave home for about a month before returning. He always returned when he started missing Lucina, Malcolm swore she looked more beautiful everytime he saw her. Of course he missed his brothers as well.
After Malcolm finished his bath and reflecting on his thoughts, he climbed out of the bath, dried himself and got changed. After he was done, Malcolm decided he should probably head to bed.
On his way to his room Malcolm heard shouting by the window. He looked out the window and saw his little br… [view original content]
Another great part! I highly enjoyed the talk between Prestan and Malcolm, as well as the one between Gregor and Ludd. Especially the latter was a highlight for me. In general, this whole story just keeps getting better and better
[Tell Preston about Lucina's father]
I think this is only fair, to tell his little brother about the man he is named after. He asked for it and I see little reason to refuse his request. Of course, he could always ask his father or Lucina herself, but he asked Malcolm and it would not be fair to refuse to answer. Besides, Damien and Lucina are both heavily emotionally involved in this story and telling it could cause upsetting memories to resurface, as Malcolm himself mentioned.
["One day things have to change"]
Well, we know things will not change, at least not after the events of the game, I'm afraid. At the same time, I'd like for Gregor to be a bit more optimistic about things. From his perspective, things might be able to change one day. At this point of the events, it's not too late. And well, I never thought I'd ever say that, but I kind of like Ludd now, at least your version of him. It's equal parts funny and intriguing to think that he, of all people, has been the voice of reason in the Forrester-Whitehill conflict. So, let's not become his enemy yet, okay?
Malcolm
Malcolm gasped when he saw his reflection in the bath water "Gods, I am filthy!" Malcolm couldn't believe it. Why didn't Samuel say… more anything? "The shit probably thought it'd be funny." Malcolm sighed as he sat in the bath and decided to take the opportunity to relax, and reflect on his thoughts.
Malcolm missed this, just relaxing at home and enjoying the beauty of Summerspring keep but he always eventually got sick of his father and would leave home for about a month before returning. He always returned when he started missing Lucina, Malcolm swore she looked more beautiful everytime he saw her. Of course he missed his brothers as well.
After Malcolm finished his bath and reflecting on his thoughts, he climbed out of the bath, dried himself and got changed. After he was done, Malcolm decided he should probably head to bed.
On his way to his room Malcolm heard shouting by the window. He looked out the window and saw his little br… [view original content]
[Tell Preston about Lucina's father] - I think it's best if Preston finds out now, and from Malcolm directly.
["We'll always be enemies"] - Gregor should be blunt and matter-of-fact about the realities of the relationship between the Forrester's and the Whitehill's, I think, though it's a tough call. I'm loving their interactions by the way. "That dead guy killed this dead guy so now all the living are supposed to kill eachother?" Not only a great line, but I can just vividly hear and envision Ludd saying that. It's so great, I love it!
Malcolm
Malcolm gasped when he saw his reflection in the bath water "Gods, I am filthy!" Malcolm couldn't believe it. Why didn't Samuel say… more anything? "The shit probably thought it'd be funny." Malcolm sighed as he sat in the bath and decided to take the opportunity to relax, and reflect on his thoughts.
Malcolm missed this, just relaxing at home and enjoying the beauty of Summerspring keep but he always eventually got sick of his father and would leave home for about a month before returning. He always returned when he started missing Lucina, Malcolm swore she looked more beautiful everytime he saw her. Of course he missed his brothers as well.
After Malcolm finished his bath and reflecting on his thoughts, he climbed out of the bath, dried himself and got changed. After he was done, Malcolm decided he should probably head to bed.
On his way to his room Malcolm heard shouting by the window. He looked out the window and saw his little br… [view original content]
[Tell Preston about Lucina's father] - I think it's best if Preston finds out now, and from Malcolm directly.
["We'll always be enemies"]… more - Gregor should be blunt and matter-of-fact about the realities of the relationship between the Forrester's and the Whitehill's, I think, though it's a tough call. I'm loving their interactions by the way. "That dead guy killed this dead guy so now all the living are supposed to kill eachother?" Not only a great line, but I can just vividly hear and envision Ludd saying that. It's so great, I love it!
Keep up the good work!
Malcolm
Malcolm gasped when he saw his reflection in the bath water "Gods, I am filthy!" Malcolm couldn't believe it. Why didn't Samuel say… more anything? "The shit probably thought it'd be funny." Malcolm sighed as he sat in the bath and decided to take the opportunity to relax, and reflect on his thoughts.
Malcolm missed this, just relaxing at home and enjoying the beauty of Summerspring keep but he always eventually got sick of his father and would leave home for about a month before returning. He always returned when he started missing Lucina, Malcolm swore she looked more beautiful everytime he saw her. Of course he missed his brothers as well.
After Malcolm finished his bath and reflecting on his thoughts, he climbed out of the bath, dried himself and got changed. After he was done, Malcolm decided he should probably head to bed.
On his way to his room Malcolm heard shouting by the window. He looked out the window and saw his little br… [view original content]
Malcolm
Malcolm gasped when he saw his reflection in the bath water "Gods, I am filthy!" Malcolm couldn't believe it. Why didn't Samuel say… more anything? "The shit probably thought it'd be funny." Malcolm sighed as he sat in the bath and decided to take the opportunity to relax, and reflect on his thoughts.
Malcolm missed this, just relaxing at home and enjoying the beauty of Summerspring keep but he always eventually got sick of his father and would leave home for about a month before returning. He always returned when he started missing Lucina, Malcolm swore she looked more beautiful everytime he saw her. Of course he missed his brothers as well.
After Malcolm finished his bath and reflecting on his thoughts, he climbed out of the bath, dried himself and got changed. After he was done, Malcolm decided he should probably head to bed.
On his way to his room Malcolm heard shouting by the window. He looked out the window and saw his little br… [view original content]
The voting is closed! Malcolm will Tell Preston about Lucina's father and Gregor will tell Ludd "One day things have to change"
So last time I closed the voting, I said Malcolm would learn his objective and Gregor would begin the march on Summerspring in the next part. That didn't happen. The reason for that is, I decided to add in these two choices instead of going straight to those parts. I tend to make changes a lot so from now on, I'm gonna try to avoid saying what happens next.
However I want to briefly talk about Gregor's choice. I wanted to make a choice that would affect his attitude towards the Whitehills. Picking "We'll always be enemies" would've resulted in Gregor being very distrusting of any Whitehill characters including Ludd. Wheras with the choice that won Gregor is more reasonable with them and believes that peace is possible.
Malcolm
Malcolm sighed as Preston stared at him, waiting to hear the story "Okay, I'll tell you, just keep it to yourself"
Preston nodded "I promise!" Malcolm was really hesitant to tell this story, he worried it'd bring back bad memories but Preston did deserve to know.
"I didn't know him myself, you'd have to ask Lucina what he was like but like I said, you'll only upset her."
Preston groaned "what about father?" Malcolm shook his head "father didn't know him either, he had only just met him."
Malcolm thought back to what he was told "Lucina and her father were staying in a Tavern, you know the one Samuel's always at. Father was visiting the Tavern as well. He had a horse with him, a Destrier it was a gift from Lord Tyrell, I think it came from the free cities."
Preston groaned "I asked about Lucina's father not some bloody horse." Malcolm groaned in annoyance "Shut up! It's important to the story."
Malcolm continued "anyway, it was large and wild, almost impossible to control. It broke free and attacked the other horses in the stable, Lucina's father's horses." Preston didn't seem to follow and Malcolm continued "Father and Lucina's father rushed to the stables in an attempt to control the beast. The horse ended up attacking father but Lucina's father pushed him out of the way and he got hurt instead, he later died from his injuries."
Preston frowned "So... he saved father's life?" Malcolm nodded and Preston seemed deep in thought "I think I get it, father feels guilty doesn't he?"
Malcolm raised an eyebrow "maybe, I always thought he that he felt he owed him and wanted to honor him as much."
Malcolm yawned "so afterwards father sent a letter to Lucina's family, she was alone and far away from home, he offered to take her in, raise her, give her a good education and so she'd never have to worry about anything ever again. Father still sends Lucina's family gold to compensate for the loss."
Preston nodded in understanding "how did she become mothers handmaiden?" Malcolm smiled "well mother really likes her, and she needed a handmaiden, not much more to it than that." Malcolm smirked "So that's the story of how Summerspring recieved even more beauty" he chuckled obviously refferring to Lucina. Preston glared at him "Save your infatuations, please." Malcolm frowned "sorry."
Preston seemed concerned about something "Lucina, she doesn't blame father right? She's not angry at him at all?"
Malcolm raised an eyebrow "For what happened to her father? I don't think-- no, no there's no way! Not after everything he's done for her." Malcolm responded with confidence.
Preston smiled "thanks for telling me, I'm gonna think about it some more" Malcolm smirked "yeah well think about in bed." Preston groaned "I'm going!"
Preston headed back inside and Malcolm went to bed soon after, there was a lot to do tommorow.
Malcolm, Samuel, Lucas and their father had gathered in the small council chamber.
Damien took his seat "We need to--" Malcolm suddenly interrupted "before we begin--" then Samuel groaned "Oh here we go."
Malcolm sighed, this was bound to cause an argument but he had to say it "Father, why haven't you bent the knee to Robert Baratheon?"
Damien was visibly annoyed "Because we are Branfields, we abandon none, our allies need us and--"
"Your loyalty is going to get us all killed!" Malcolm snapped "The mad king isn't worth this."
"Watch your tongue Malcolm" Samuel said sternly and then Lucas surprisingly defended Malcolm "Our brother brings up a valid point, our king has gone mad" Samuel, Damien and even Malcolm looked at Lucas in disbelief.
Samuel spoke up "How can you say that? You've always been more loyal to the Targaryens than any of us!" Samuel spoke truly. Lucas was devoted to the Targaryens even as a child and grew angry at any who spoke against them. Lucas trained so hard because he wanted to give the Targaryens the best he could give.
Lucas sighed "Don't mistake my honesty for treachery. I'll fight for the Targaryens, die for them if I must but there's no denying that Robert Baratheon is justified in starting this war. I daresay Aerys was the who really started it."
"ENOUGH!" Damien shouted and silenced his sons. "What are our words Malcolm?"
Malcolm sighed knowing where his father was going with this, he reluctantly answered "In Arms to the End"
"In Arms to the End" Lucas and Samuel repeated.
Damien stared Malcolm down, determined to convince him "We live or we die with our allies, we don't abandon them to save ourselves."
Malcolm didn't respond, he knew this was an argument he couldn't win.
"Perhaps we should get to business..." Samuel broke the silence and Lucas nodded in agreement.
Damien sighed "we need to find Jacob."
"Find Jacob?" Malcolm said in alarm "Where's he gone?" Malcolm noticed that his younger brother Jacob was abscent but didn't realize he was missing.
Samuel explained "We need more men, what we have won't do. Jacob volunteered to hire some sellswords. He left weeks ago." Malcolm sighed, they have a war to fight and instead they have to track down their foolish brother.
Samuel continued "I''ve been looking for him for a while, when I couldn't find him I took some intiatiative and tracked you down."
Damien leaned forward "You've spent a great deal of time among sellswords, it was our hope that you may have some idea as to where Jacob would've looked, last we saw he was headed to the small town that Samuel found you in."
Malcolm gave it a think "knowing Jacob, the fool probably tried to strike big and look for Tom Fucking Wolfson."
Lucas raised an eyebrow "Wolfson? The Northern House?"
Malcolm nodded "Tom ran away from home with his brother. I don't know much about the man himself, just that he has a large force of sellswords. and that he's dangerous."
"Maybe his brother can lead us to him?" Damien suggested.
Malcolm shook his head "Nah, his brother's dead, Tom probably killed him."
Lucas frowned "So there's no hope of finding Jacob?"
Malcolm didn't respond at first as he was trying to think of a solution "Maybe not, I know this sellsword, she mentioned that she used to run with Tom."
Samuel eyes widened "Is she pretty?"
"Ugh, Samuel!" Lucas groaned and Samuel smirked "What?"
Malcolm ignored his question "Our path seems clear to me, I'll track down Nesa and hopefully she can lead me to Tom and he can lead me to Jacob."
Damien smiled, he was clearly impressed "excellent, you'll leave immediately, as in now. Will you need men?"
Malcolm shook his head "No, I'll be too easily noticed, if I go on my own I should be able to pass as a simple traveler, don't want our enemies to know what we're up to"
Samuel nodded in agreement "good point."
"Take one of your brothers at least" Damien insisted.
Malcolm sighed, he knew he could do it on his own but decided to avoid another argument. "Sure, who should I bring?"
Damien shrugged "your decision, whoever you don't bring will help me defend the keep."
Malcolm stopped to think about it, Lucas was bound to be a help, if Malcolm ended up in a fight Lucas would be perfect for that situation. He's the best fighter in House Branfield. However Samuel was smart, charming and had quite the silver tongue, he could help avoid a fight and keep Malcolm focused. It really depended on what kind of situation Malcolm expected to run into, or whose company he preffered.
[Bring Samuel][Bring Lucas]
Gregor
"One day things have to change" Gregor said with certainty. "Really?" Ludd seemed surprised.
"Absolutely!" Gregor smiled "our Houses have fought each other for so long, it's time to move on. Besides, right now we have a common enemy."
Ludd laughed and slamed the table, Gregor gasped as he dropped his mug.
"You're right, Forrester! The fighting has to end. I think I like you" Ludd admitted.
"Then maybe you could call me Gregor instead of Forrester?" Gregor laughed with Ludd.
"I'll work on it." Ludd smiled. "Let's toast then, to ending our feud!"
"Sure as soon as you buy me another drink" Gregor frowned at his fallen mug.
Gregor and the other Northern lords assembled with their forces "It's time to march, men!"
Ludd looked disappointed "What? No inspiring speech?"
Gregor shook his head "nah, I don't do speeches." He said as he led the march.
Eamon Glenmore caught up to Gregor "Lord Forrester, I wanted to apologise and explain my father's actions."
Gregor didn't hide his annoyance very well "It's fine Eamon"
"No it's not" Eamon frowned "It's disrespectful and insulting to have come with so small a force, and you deserve an explanation."
Gregor looked to Eamon and chose to hear him out.
"You were right. My father isn't taking this fight seriously and I've been a disappointing heir so far, he isn't willing to commit. Eamon's expression changed to a more determined one "But this is my chance to prove myself to my father, I may have a small force but I'll give you everything I have, if there's anything you need, tell me and I'll get it done!"
Gregor frowned he could symphaise with being a disappointing heir and wanting to prove yourself. "I appreciate it Eamon."
Eamon smiled "I'm glad, hopefully we can get past that poor first impression."
"We'll see" Gregor looked ahead and saw a Degore scout riding towards them.
"My lord!" The scout shouted and Royland stepped forward "What is it?"
"There's a force up ahead, around a hundred men blocking the road"
Gregor stepped forward "Did you see a banner?"
The scout looked to Gregor and Royland gave an approving nod "A Hanged man, Lord Forrester."
"A hanged man?" Gregor repeated.
"Sigil of House Trant." Eamon explained.
"I know what bloody House it is, Eamon!" Gregor snapped "Why the fucks House Trant blocking the road?"
"I doubt they intend any trouble" Royland added "They're on our side."
Ludd nodded "I wouldn't worry, let's just march forward"
Gregor looked ahead "Best to be cautious, the main force will hang back, Eamon I will march forward with his elite guard"
Ludd nodded "Take Ser Larion with you, he's not much of a diplomat but he commands respect."
Gregor nodded "All right, I'll send Larion back when it's safe to march forward."
Gregor, Larion, and Eamon with his elite guard marched forward to meet a man sitting on his horse, he was seven feet tall with broad shoulders, he had dark brown hair and a bushy beard as well as icy blue eyes. Gregor noticed a scar across his right cheek that started from his upper lip and ended below his ear, this man had seen his fair share of battles. He was wearing the heaviest armor Gregor had ever seen.
Gregor stopped in front of him, assuming him to be Lord Rogar. "Lord Rogar, why are you blocking the road?" Gregor asked bluntly. The man seemed angered by this. He climbed off his horse and got right in Gregor's face but Gregor didn't back down. Larion became uneasy and kept his hand close to his sword.
The armored man finally spoke "Don't mistake me for that weakling again" Gregor wasn't expecting such hostility.
"It's his brother, Marcos" Eamon explained.
Marcos smiled "Good eye" he then looked back to Gregor "You're not Thorren Forrester, where's your father, whelp?"
Gregor was getting visibly angered by Marcos "he's headed to the Trident, I'm leading this force in his place."
Marcos was visibly annoyed by this "You're to lead us? No." He looked at Gregor's company "You're no leader, you're too young and you didn't even bring your own men, your protection is a Glenmore whelp and a Whitehill dog!"
Larion didn't like that. He angrily shoved Marcos "Show some fucking respect!" the men behind Marcos reached for their weapons as the conversation got heated. Marcos glared daggers at Larion "lay your hands on me again old man, see what happens"
"Enough!" Gregor stepped forward and took charge again. Gregor had heard about Marcos, he was one of the greatest knights alive, though he had never heard of him being this hostile. "Why are you here Ser Marcos?"
Marcos took his attention away from Larion and looked to Gregor "Robert Baratheon is concerned that your House is too closely tied to House Branfield to eradicate them. He sent me to assist."
Gregor was annoyed by this, did Robert have no faith in them? However Gregor continued to be diplomatic "We're happy to accept your assistance but--"
"That was when I thought Thorren was leading us, I'd sooner follow my pathetic nephew into battle than you" Marcos interrupted Gregor. "I'll be taking command now."
Gregor had heard enough, he's lost his patience and his temper "All right, I've heard enough." Gregor marched towards Marcos "I don't give a fuck what Robert Baratheon told you, I'm in charge! The way I see it, you have two options. You fall in line and follow my orders or you can fuck off to Robert Baratheon and take your complaints to him!" Larion was clearly impressed and a little surprised by Gregor's show of authority.
Marcos looked Gregor in the eye "Very well, my men are yours" Gregor smirked "Good."
"I'm not done yet, at least give me a place on your council."
"My council?" Gregor raised an eyebrow.
"Yes, my experience will be of use, I'll simply be there to advise you"
Gregor looked to Larion and Eamon "What do you think?"
Eamon smiled "I say let him in, he's a great knight and I'm sure he'll be of use. He's bound to have been in a lot of sieges."
Larion shook his head "Ludd won't like this and I'm betting Degore won't either. He'll just get in the way. He'll question every damn decision you make." Gregor looked to Marcos, he didn't like the idea of Marcos nagging in his ear everytime he made a decision he didn't like but Eamon wasn't wrong. He's bound to have some good advice.
"What will it be Forrester?" Marcos began to get impatient.
[Let Marcos join the council][Don't let Marcos join the council]
Malcolm
Malcolm sighed as Preston stared at him, waiting to hear the story "Okay, I'll tell you, just keep it to yourself"
Preston nodded … more"I promise!" Malcolm was really hesitant to tell this story, he worried it'd bring back bad memories but Preston did deserve to know.
"I didn't know him myself, you'd have to ask Lucina what he was like but like I said, you'll only upset her."
Preston groaned "what about father?" Malcolm shook his head "father didn't know him either, he had only just met him."
Malcolm thought back to what he was told "Lucina and her father were staying in a Tavern, you know the one Samuel's always at. Father was visiting the Tavern as well. He had a horse with him, a Destrier it was a gift from Lord Tyrell, I think it came from the free cities."
Preston groaned "I asked about Lucina's father not some bloody horse." Malcolm groaned in annoyance "Shut up! It's important to the story."
Malcolm continued "anyway, it … [view original content]
This story just keeps getting better and better with each part Preston is just great and so was the talk between him and Malcolm! And I'm happy to see Marcos in the story. Just like Lucina, you really wrote him just as I imagined and I'm looking forward for more of him.
[Bring Samuel]
Malcolm has proven to be a decent fighter himself, so I don't know how much a second good fighter would come in handy. And I don't think Samuel is that horrible at fighting either. And having someone who is a smooth talker can't be a bad idea. He can surely be of help if they get into any negotiations. And considering that Jacob's original mission, finding sellswords to hire, had a focus on negotiation, I'd see it as possible that Malcolm will get into a similar situation.
[Let Marcos join the council]
I think it's not that much of a wise idea to piss Marcos off here. And it could be quite a positive decision, since giving him a place in the council will assure that Gregor gets to benefit from his experience. It might also be a way for him to earn Marcos' respect, which might come in handy. And even if he questions every of his decisions, I think Gregor can handle him. At best, Marcos might even bring up legitimate flaws in their plans, which will come in handy.
Malcolm
Malcolm sighed as Preston stared at him, waiting to hear the story "Okay, I'll tell you, just keep it to yourself"
Preston nodded … more"I promise!" Malcolm was really hesitant to tell this story, he worried it'd bring back bad memories but Preston did deserve to know.
"I didn't know him myself, you'd have to ask Lucina what he was like but like I said, you'll only upset her."
Preston groaned "what about father?" Malcolm shook his head "father didn't know him either, he had only just met him."
Malcolm thought back to what he was told "Lucina and her father were staying in a Tavern, you know the one Samuel's always at. Father was visiting the Tavern as well. He had a horse with him, a Destrier it was a gift from Lord Tyrell, I think it came from the free cities."
Preston groaned "I asked about Lucina's father not some bloody horse." Malcolm groaned in annoyance "Shut up! It's important to the story."
Malcolm continued "anyway, it … [view original content]
Bring Lucas- Malcom NEEDS a warrior by his side. Malcom is at War, noone is here to negotiate and talk out. Bring Lucas
Do not let him join the small concil- This will cause trouble SHORT TERM, but long term it will caus even more trouble. i dont need Marco to be here conflicting choices with degore.Tell the fool to follow Gregor's orders and to keep quiet
btw Lord AgentZ , plz dont forget the idea of whos the heir to Malcom's father, Lucas or samuel. I think its one of thee best parts of the story so far and it would be a shame to be forgotten about. im excited to see what would happen,perhaps their father told one of them and will tell them later on which would cause some interesting drama.
DONT FORGET IT!
Lord SIF
[Bring Samuel] It would not hurt to have a solid negotiator with Malcolm on this particular mission.
[Let Marcos join the council] It would not hurt to have a great accomplished knight in their council. Marcos could end up benefitting Gregor and would only be there to give advice and if it turns out that Marcos is trying to undermine Gregor's authority too much or Gregor feels the advice is useless, Gregor could just as easily ignore his advice. The potential risk is definitely worth the reward in my opinion.
Malcolm
Malcolm sighed as Preston stared at him, waiting to hear the story "Okay, I'll tell you, just keep it to yourself"
Preston nodded … more"I promise!" Malcolm was really hesitant to tell this story, he worried it'd bring back bad memories but Preston did deserve to know.
"I didn't know him myself, you'd have to ask Lucina what he was like but like I said, you'll only upset her."
Preston groaned "what about father?" Malcolm shook his head "father didn't know him either, he had only just met him."
Malcolm thought back to what he was told "Lucina and her father were staying in a Tavern, you know the one Samuel's always at. Father was visiting the Tavern as well. He had a horse with him, a Destrier it was a gift from Lord Tyrell, I think it came from the free cities."
Preston groaned "I asked about Lucina's father not some bloody horse." Malcolm groaned in annoyance "Shut up! It's important to the story."
Malcolm continued "anyway, it … [view original content]
Jokes aside, I have not forgotten but I'm not certain if I'll bring it up again. They're at war and have other things to worry about. I'll keep it in mind though.
btw Lord AgentZ , plz dont forget the idea of whos the heir to Malcom's father, Lucas or samuel. I think its one of thee best parts of the s… moretory so far and it would be a shame to be forgotten about. im excited to see what would happen,perhaps their father told one of them and will tell them later on which would cause some interesting drama.
DONT FORGET IT!
Lord SIF
Marcos is not only a great character to have but he helps me to have Gregor prove he's a good leader and to show his more aggressive side. For example: Larion being impressed with Gregor probably wouldn't have happened if Marcos hadn't been introduced here.
This story just keeps getting better and better with each part Preston is just great and so was the talk between him and Malcolm! And I'm h… moreappy to see Marcos in the story. Just like Lucina, you really wrote him just as I imagined and I'm looking forward for more of him.
[Bring Samuel]
Malcolm has proven to be a decent fighter himself, so I don't know how much a second good fighter would come in handy. And I don't think Samuel is that horrible at fighting either. And having someone who is a smooth talker can't be a bad idea. He can surely be of help if they get into any negotiations. And considering that Jacob's original mission, finding sellswords to hire, had a focus on negotiation, I'd see it as possible that Malcolm will get into a similar situation.
[Let Marcos join the council]
I think it's not that much of a wise idea to piss Marcos off here. And it could be quite a positive decision, since giving him a place in the council… [view original content]
Comments
Just submitted two characters.
Begin Chapter 1-Alliances
Malcolm
Malcolm was now riding with his brother Samuel back home, back to Summerspring Keep. Malcolm was enjoying the peaceful silence but he had questions "Samuel, why hasn't father bent the knee?" Malcolm asked which earned him a glare from his brother "Bend the knee? Why would he do that? It goes against everything that we are!"
Samuel clearly wasn't happy with Malcolm's question but he persisted "Samuel, you must know that we don't stand a chance of winning this?"
Samuel sighed "Look, I know it looks bad but this war is happening, whether we like it or not. Take it up with father if you feel strongly about this." Samuel then threw some wine to Malcolm "I always drink after a fight and you did well back there."
Malcolm smiled, Samuel's always loved his wine and Malcolm decided to welcome the change of topic. Malcolm took a sip of the wine and looked to Samuel "I'm curious, it's been at least a month since I've left, has father decided on an heir yet?" Samuel has an identical twin brother, Lucas. And their father had yet to decide who should succeed him.
Samuel groaned "No, the old fool still can't make up his mind! So I suggested to our dear brother that we decide it on a drinking game, he then suggested that I go fuck myself, so to answer your next question, yes Lucas is still a prick." The brothers laughed, it's true that Lucas could be tough to like, he had the worst temper out of all of the Branfields but you could always catch some care in Lucas' harsh words, though he would never admit it.
Malcolm looked forward and couldn't help but smile at the sight, he saw fields and ahead of them was Summerspring keep, the sun always shined beautifully here.
"Welcome home, brother" Samuel gave Malcolm a warm smile as they marched forward to the keep. They passed through the courtyard and the smallfolk seemed pleased to see Samuel back. Malcolm overheard whispers among the small folk "Is that Malcolm? I knew he'd come back! Samuel came through."
Malcolm handed Samuel his wine back as they climbed off the horses and walked inside the keep. "You've always been popular with the smallfolk." Samuel remarked and Malcolm simply smiled.
As they entered the great hall of Summerspring Malcolm smiled as he saw the skylight in the middle of the hall. Then he noticed his father, Damien Branfield in the Lord's chair along with his mother, Talia Branfield next to him. Then Malcolm couldn't help but smile when he saw Talia's handmaiden. The first thing Malcolm always noticed about her, was her hair, red with a shade of copper tied in a loose bun. Then her freckled face and green eyes. "Is that Lucina?" Malcolm asked as if he was in awe.
"Gods, don't tell me you're still infatuated with her." Samuel smirked.
"Shut your mouth, Samuel." Malcolm immediately remarked to his brother. It was true that Malcolm's had a crush on Lucina for a few years now but he hated when his brothers teased him about it.
"You are aren't you?" Samuel teased his brother and Malcolm got more embarassed and annoyed "I will punch your eyes!" he threatened.
"Step forward boys." The two brothers heard their mother and they stepped forward. "Hello mother, father" Malcolm greeted his parents. Malcolm's father walked towards them, "it's good to have you back, Malcolm." Damien held his hand on his shoulder while Talia hugged him.
"What a grand reunion." The family heard a stern voice and they turned to see Lucas along with Malcolm's little brother, Preston, named in honor of Lucina's father. "Malcolm!" Preston ran forward and hugged Malcolm. Malcolm laughed, Preston's always been a wild child. Preston released Malcolm and Lucas approached "Finally remembered your duty to your family did you?" Lucas said sternly, he looked exactly like Samuel except Lucas had his hair tied back into a ponytail. "Oh come on Lucas!" Samuel groaned and Lucas responded with a sigh "Come here, Malcolm, I just missed you that's all." Lucas and Malcom and shared a brief hug.
Damien then interrupted "enough reunions, we need to get to business". Talia smirked and shook her head "'business' can wait until tommorow, Damien. Your son is tired. Malcolm, go say hello to Lucina, then go to bed."
"uhh... yeah, I can do that." Malcolm nodded. Lucas groaned as he and the rest were essentially kicked out. Lucina approched Malcolm as they left and smiled, she always had the most beautiful smile.
"It's good to see you Malcolm." She greeted him. "'It's good to see you'? Is that it?" Malcolm smirked and Lucina raised an eyebrow "You were expecting something else?"
"How about a hug?" Malcolm opened his arms.
"Sure... after you have a bath" she smirked. Malcolm responded with a groan "What? come on!"
"I'm serious Malcolm, you're filthy and covered in blood, you're not touching me." Malcolm sighed. Lucina's got a thing about cleaniness, dirt can't touch her without her freaking out. Usually Malcolm thought it was cute but at times like this, it really annoyed him. "Fine" he complained.
"Don't mope" she laughed. "You'd better get to bed before your mother comes back." Malcolm nodded and Lucina walked away. He stopped her and said "It's good to see you too."
Lucina smiled "goodnight Malcolm" and she left.
"Goodnight Malcolm" Samuel mocked as he revealed himself and Malcolm groaned but before getting mad he noticed the absence of two of his siblings. "Where's Elissa and Jacob?" Malcolm asked and Samuel frowned "That's actually what we need to talk about tommorow, but it can wait."
Malcolm decided to let it go "You going somewhere?" Samuel nodded, "I'm going down to the Tavern, wanna come? Better than turning in early"
Malcolm smiled "Good point, what's Lucas doing?"
"He's in the small council chamber, you know how he is, always hard at work. You can help him if you want, I don't mind"
Samuel suddenly smirked "Or you could take Lucina's advice and get that bath to get that hug" he teased his brother.
"Give it a rest" Malcolm sighed and Samuel raised his hands in a mock surrender. Malcolm thought about it, he was getting a little rank, he could use a bath. Drinking with Samuel sounds nice though, or he could go to Lucas, it'd be nice to know what's going on.
[Drinking with Samuel] [Small council with Lucas] [Take a bath]
Gregor
Gregor was waiting by Ironrath's gate, his allies were meant to be arriving soon but he was starting to get impatient.
"Still waiting?" Gregor heard his friend Thermund behind him.
"Yes" Gregor groaned "And I'm beginning to get annoyed" he complained.
Thermund laughed "I can imagine" Gregor looked relieved as he saw the banner of House Whitehill approach "Open the gate!" Gregor ordered.
Thermund raised an eyebrow "You seem awfully pleased to be greeting the enemy."
"Unlike my father, I hold no grudge against the Whitehills, besides, right now we're allies with a common enemy."
"Forrester! Gregor heard the very loud voice of Ludd Whitehill "Ludd Whitehill, welcome to Ironrath!" Gregor watched Ludd approach with a huge smile on his face. "A warmer welcome than I was told to expect." he turned to an older man beside him "You see, Ser Larion? I told you the Forresters would know how to welcome a guest." Larion looked like quite an angry guy, he has brown hair thinning into grey and he wore all black along with a fur cape decorated in Whitehill colours. "With all due respect my Lord, honoring guest right does not make an honorable House, many of have us have fallen due to Thorren's tyranny.
Gregor glared at Ser Larion and Ludd sighed "Forgive Ser Larion, his hearts in the right place, he serves House Whitehill and there's a lot of bad blood between our Houses, as you well know."
Gregor nodded, "of course, I understand. Hopefully fighting alongside eachother will change things." Larion chuckled, "somehow I doubt it."
Gregor was about to continue the debate but decided against it, "I was expecting your father."
Ludd laughed "Be thankful you got me instead. My father's got a lot of anger in him."
"Rightfully so." Larion exclaimed. "Lord Randall, like your father is needed at the Trident. Same thing with Degore and Glenmore right behind us."
As if on que, two men approached, one in Degore colours and the other in Glenmore.
Glenmore was tall and well built with a bow on his back, the other was a bit shorter but clearly tough. "Royland Degore." Introduced himself in a blunt manner. "Eamon Glenmore, a pleasure" he shook Gregors hand, he had a rather strong grip.
"Welcome to Ironrath, my Lords" Gregor greeted them all. "If you'll come with me, we'll discuss our plans in the great hall."
All the Lords took their seats and Gregor took his place in his father's chair. It felt odd to sit there.
"For starters we should talk about the forces we have" Gregor looked around to find only silence. "I guess I'll start..." Gregor sat up in an attempt to look the part of a Lord "My father has left two hundred and fifty fighting men to be used at our disposal, not much I know, but I trust combining our forces will make up for that."
Ludd finished a goblet of wine and spoke up "I've two hundred and eighty men with me. Not counting Ser Larion here."
Gregor seemed pleased and looked to Eamon. He seemed hesitant to answer "Twenty." he said.
"TWENTY!?" Ludd reacted in outrage.
"Are you fucking serious?" Royland glared at Eamon.
Gregor could not believe this bullshit. "Are the Glenmores not taking this threat seriously?"
Eamon was quick to defend himself "My father didn't want to waste more men than needed, on one House."
"This is fucking bullshit" Ludd. groaned and many at the table seemed to feel the same.
"They're good men though! My father's elite guard, just one is ten times better than any common soldier"
"I don't care if they're the bloody gods themselves! This is House Branfield we're talking about! They aren't just any one House." Ludd slamed his fist onto the table. "Do you know their words? In Arms to the End. TO THE END! They'd fight us to the last man if there were only five of them." Ludd was clearly not happy. Neither was Gregor but he chose to continue rather than ridicule Eamon further.
"What of you Royland? I hope House Degore brought some good men? My father has told me often the Degores have supported many in times of war."
Royland sat forward "four hundred men" Royland stated proudly. Gregor widened his eyes in surprise, wheras Ludd and Larion looked impressed. "I've also brought a battering ram with me as I assumed we'd be attacking the Branfields keep."
Larion raised an eyebrow "That's certainly generous."
"House Degore takes this threat seriously." Royland said as he glared at Eamon.
Gregor was pleased "So that would make... nine hundred and fifty men plus the battering ram." Gregor sighed "It's good but may not be enough."
"It's what we have Larion" stated "And from what I hear the Branfields are in a bad spot."
Gregor nodded "Perhaps you're right, in the meantime send out ravens to your bannermen, make use of what oaths you can."
Still more of Gregor coming.
EDIT: Sorry for the large amount of grammar mistakes. I carelessly forgot to double-check before posting.
Eamon remained silent, it was probably for the best.
"Will we be getting any of your Ironwood shields?" Ludd asked cautiously as if he was concerned about Gregor being sensitive about Ironwood.
Gregor smiled "Yes in fact, I'll have my men give out as many as they can." Ludd seemed pleased.
"When will we be marching?" Royland asked bluntly.
"At first light, make sure your forces are ready."
Eamon finally spoke up "I assume there's nothing more to discuss?"
"No, you may stay in Ironrath for tonight, I had the servants arrange guest rooms for you all. Make yourselves comfortable, my hall is your hall, that'll be all my lords." everyone quickly left the hall. Eamon himself looked particularly unhappy. Gregor wondered if he should console him.
"Gregor?" He suddenly heard the voice of a woman, he turned and saw his wife. "Elissa? What's the matter?" he stood up and approached her.
"It's my family, they're not all warriors, my little brother is only ten years old!" Gregor was saddened by this, he hated the idea of killing a child. "I'm sorry Elissa but there's nothing I can do, they're... they're all going to die". He saw a tear fall down her cheek.
"Why?" She began to get angry. Gregor began to get nervous "I have my orders, I have no choice."
"You're so afraid of your father that you can't make choices for yourself? Don't be such a coward!"
"I may not like it but the way my father does things works!" Gregor snapped "House Forrester would not be as far as it is if my father showed mercy. House Forrester has no enemies because my father killed them."
"The Whitehills are alive" Elissa countered and Gregor sighed.
"I'm sorry Elissa." Gregor frowned and marched out of the great hall, he could hear his wife crying as he left.
Thermund was waiting for Gregor outside "My lord? Are you all right?"
"I'm fine Thermund." he lied. "What's everyone up to?"
Thermund smiled "Well Ludd has gone to the tavern, I like him already."
"Gods, I could use a drink." Gregor sighed, he wasn't good at hiding his stress.
Thermund seemed puzzeled. "Royland Degore has taken up sparring in the courtyard, a fight could do you some good."
"What about Eamon?" Thermund pointed to Ironraths walls, "he's up there admiring the view."
Thermund looked to his Lord "Any idea how you want to spend the remainder of the day?"
[Drinking with Ludd] [Sparring with Royland] [Console Eamon]
[Take a bath]
[Sparring with Royland]
Fun fact:
@DillonDex came up with House Branfields words and the name for their keep.
[Take a bath]
I just had to imagine how Malcolm must look right now. I mean, in the previous part he killed a guy in a pretty gory way, I guess he really is covered in blood. Could make a small council meeting with Lucas or drinking with Samuel a little bit uncomfortable for them if they have to speak with a guy that is covered in blood and probably reeking a bit. After just returning home, Malcolm could probably use a bath either way, even if he wouldn't have gotten into that fight. Aside from that, Lucina is certainly going to approve of this, which is good for me. Speaking of, I'm already loving the way you're writing her, that was spot on!
[Drinking with Ludd]
I must say, your version of Ludd is a pleasant surprise. He seems so different from the man he is during the game, so I'm curious what exactly happened that turned him into the bitter jerk we know. Here, he is so... positive? Certainly a lot more affable and respectful and I'm digging it. I certainly would like to learn more about him before he turns into the Ludd we know from the game. I'm also liking the idea that Gregor and Ludd as young men have gotten along well for a short time.
In general, this was a very nice part! In fact, I found it even more enjoyable than the great prologue. I think I liked both PoV's equally, although Malcolm is currently my favourite in terms of personality. Maybe it's just me, but I see some similarities to Asher in him, in terms of sarcasm and general outlook on life and I really like it. Gregor meanwhile... man, he was blunt as hell in his talk with Elissa. I felt so sorry for her and he's just straightforward and brutally honest XD I think it suits him though, but still, poor Elissa. Anyways, well done strat for the first chapter, I'm so excited for more
And both sound amazing! I'm especially enjoying the Branfield words, that's just pure badassery, but Summerspring Keep has a nice sound to it as well. Great job, Dillon!
The way I'm writing Ludd has a lot to do with dialogue from Rodrik and Gwyn in the game.
Rodrik: "Your father doesn't smile much does he?"
Gwyn: "He used to, when my mother was still alive."
Ludd made a lot of jokes in a very dickish way in the game but according to Gwyn, he used to be happy. So I imagined him to be a really cheerful guy. Of course he's still Ludd, so I kept his loud voice and his temper.
I am so glad to hear that! I was so worried when wriiting this part as I really wanted to get it right.
I'm not sure if I showed it very well but Gregor's been really stressed lately, with his father and now with having to kill the Branfields. So that has something to do with his bluntness.
More great work! It's going really, really well so far! In particular, the dialogue has been great and I'm liking the characterisations, they're both faithful to their originals while being unique at the same time. Just having all these characters around each other and interacting together is just amazing.
I vote for [Small Council with Lucas] Malcolm's physical state aside, it'd best for him to fully get a bearing on what is going on - sooner rather than later.
Oh, and [Drinking with Ludd] - this sounds far too entertaining to pass up. Plus, I'd like to get to know this Ludd a bit better.
Ah, I think I remember that conversation now. It's an interesting detail and I'm liking this cheerful Ludd. It makes me wonder how he, as well as the entire Forrester-Whitehill conflict, would have turned out if his wife wouldn't have died.
You've certainly shown it well, do not worry. I can understand why Gregor is stressed and that this is causing him to be really tensed up and blunt right now. It's just that i really feel sorry for Elissa, because from her perspective, this must be even worse and Gregor is not making it any easier for her. Not that I blame him, I mean, he's doing what he can and what he has to.
[Take a bath]
[Console Eamon]
Take a bath
Sparring with Royland
[Drinking with Ludd]
Was it ever stated that the Degore family had a house?
Royland's family fought and died in the greyjoy rebellion so it's safe to assume they did. Plus Royland speaks proper so he surely came from a noble House.
The voting is closed! Malcolm will Take a bath and Gregor will go Drinking with Ludd.
I'm not gonna make promises on when the next part will be out. Sometimes I write pretty slow and other times I write with the speed of the Flash.
The next part we'll learn Malcolm's objective for chapter 1 and Gregor will begin the march on Summerspring keep.
There's something I'd like your opinion on. After reading my parts again I can't help but think it looks really plain. I'm happy with the dialogue, I think that's where I really shine. I also like the actual events that happen but everything in between looks really plain to me. Please share your thoughts
Does anyone else feel this way?
I feel that the story is going okay so far. Perhaps you could split it into more paragraphs like Liquid suggested before. You can add more additional description of the surroundings, characters as well as some observation thoughts of the situations they are placed at, same as describing how they feel at the moment or while the conversation itself. I think then it will be even more perfect that it already is, with simple a bit more text surrounding the dialogs :-)
Ugh, I hate to focus on negative aspects. I always find that hard to do, since I automatically focus on everything positive and whenever I mention something negative, I feel like nitpicking. I mean, I have a hard time criticizing something I enjoy. That said, upon closer inspection, there are a few things I feel you could improve on. And in the end, I think this could be helpful. Please, don't take this as a sign that I don't enjoy the story. Quite the contrary, I love the story so far and you show a lot of talent! What I'm going to bring up now isn't even bothering me that much, but I feel like the story will be even better with these suggestions.
So as you've said, the dialogue is your biggest strength. So far, a majority of the first part consists of dialogue. I don't think the dialogue itself should be lessened, but maybe the rest can be expanded, that's where I feel you could improve. Of course, that would mean that the parts are necessarily getting longer. For example, there are descriptions. You have described Lucina and Larion very well, with precise words that really gave me an idea how these characters look, but I have no mental image of Malcolm's family, or Thermund or the young Ludd Whitehill. Similarly, I have noticed you haven't described Summerspring Keep. Now, describing castles is something I hate in FoT, but at least some key characterstics of the castle (like, for example, a particularly high tower, a moat or beautiful surroundings) could help with visualizing the scene.
Another thing you could put more emphasis on are the thoughts and emotions of the characters. You already do that, but there could still be improvements and with more of these, the lines between the dialogue will automatically be expanded and the whole scene will feel more immersive and lively. Here are two small examples to what I mean:
In this case, you could explain why it feels odd to Gregor. Does he feel inferior to his father? Not worthy to sit there? Uncomfortable with the thought of actual responsibility?
Here, you could focus on how Gregor feels in this situation. I think part of why he came across as so blunt and uncaring was because we learned little of his emotions in this part. The scene with Elissa lived from Elissa's emotions, but I feel it could have been a lot longer if we would have learned of Gregor's thoughts and feelings in this situation. I imagine he feels incredibly conflicted, sorrowful that he has been tasked with massacring people who are his family by marriage and that he has to hurt his wife so much in doing so. The Elissa scene in general could have been longer, with more emotions on Gregor's part, or perhaps more arguing on Elissa's.
All in all, these things are not bothering me too much, even if it might look that way, considering the length of this post. But since you feel that way, I hope my suggestions can help you improving the parts in a way that makes you completely satisfied with them. You have already crafted an intriguing storyline and the dialogue is top quality, which means you definitely have the talent to expand the parts in between. I think this story will be even better if you describe stuff in more detail, explain how characters and locations look, how they feel in situations, or even just small actions and reactions that give us an idea how non-PoV characters feel in a situation. Like for example that part where Ludd slams his fist on the table, that's what I mean, just in greater capacity.
And like Mathea said, the paragraphs could help a bit. Compared to the prologue, this was a huge step forward in terms of layout, but there are some scenes, especially in Gregor's part, where I feel you should use a completely new paragraph instead of just starting a new line. Especially the scene with Elissa comes to mind.
But yeah, nitpicks. Helpful nitpicks, I hope. I already love this story and you are a great writer with a lot of talent, so I hope my suggestions will help in improving the parts between the dialogues. Of course, that would mean the parts will probably be longer, which in turn means you'll need more time to finish them. But don't worry about that, I think we're all patient.
It helps, don't worry. You brought up a good point of me not describing characters appearances. I did describe Samuel and Lucas though.
I get what you mean
I always feel like a jerk when I criticise something.
Thanks for the tips.
Hey guys! I feel that I should keep you in the loop of how things are going. I decided to take a break after writing the first two parts and that gave me the time to figure out the roles for your submitted characters.
I've started writing again and if all goes well, the next part will be finished either tommorow or the day after.
For now I want to ask you a couple questions.
So far, who is your favourite submitted character?
So far, excluding Malcolm and Elissa, who is your favourite Branfield?
Oh yes, I'm so excited for it! This is going to be awesome
I hope more people will see this amazing story in time. Now for the questions:
So far, who is your favourite submitted character?
Hm, we have seen Lucina and Larien out of the submitted characters so far, right? I like both, but Lucina certainly got a spot in my heart already. The way you wrote her in the first part has been wonderful and I'm surely looking forward for future plans you have in mind for her. That said, Larien sounds like an interesting guy as well, but we haven't seen that much of him yet.
So far, excluding Malcolm and Elissa, who is your favourite Branfield?
I think I like Samuel the most out of the Branfield's, not counting Malcolm and Elissa of course. He seems easy-going and like a lot of fun. I also enjoy the dynamic he has with Malcolm. A close second would be Lucas, who sounds like a very complex character. He also has an interesting dynamic with Malcolm, though so far, I like Samuel a bit more.
Yeah Larion and Lucina are the only ones so far. I'll probably ask this question again, when I introduce more.
Malcolm
Malcolm gasped when he saw his reflection in the bath water "Gods, I am filthy!" Malcolm couldn't believe it. Why didn't Samuel say anything? "The shit probably thought it'd be funny." Malcolm sighed as he sat in the bath and decided to take the opportunity to relax, and reflect on his thoughts.
Malcolm missed this, just relaxing at home and enjoying the beauty of Summerspring keep but he always eventually got sick of his father and would leave home for about a month before returning. He always returned when he started missing Lucina, Malcolm swore she looked more beautiful everytime he saw her. Of course he missed his brothers as well.
After Malcolm finished his bath and reflecting on his thoughts, he climbed out of the bath, dried himself and got changed. After he was done, Malcolm decided he should probably head to bed.
On his way to his room Malcolm heard shouting by the window. He looked out the window and saw his little brother Preston in the courtyard swinging furiously at a practice dummy with a wooden sword. That's odd, what was he doing out so late. Malcolm decided to investigate.
Malcom saw Preston getting more aggresive with the dummy when his sword broke "Ah, shit!" Preston shouted and Malcolm chuckled alerting Preston to his presence. Preston always had a bad habit of cursing, he was smart about it though, he never did it when their father was in the room.
"Malcolm, what are you doing here?" Preston asked defensively.
"What are you doing here?" Malcolm countered as he crouched down to Preston's height.
Preston laughed awkwardly "I was training" he ran his hand through his shaggy brown hair and Malcolm sighed.
"In the middle of the night?" Malcolm questioned him and Preston nodded. "Lucas trained every day and every night! Now He's the best warrior in House Branfielfd, he's even better than father!"
Malcolm smiled, Preston wasn't wrong. Lucas is really good with a sword and worked hard at it.
Preston suddenly frowned "though he doesn't train much anymore." This made Malcolm concerned, Lucas rarely smiled but he was always happy with a sword in his hand, it helped him vent his anger and frustration, plus he loved a good fight, if he's stopped training then something must've happened.
Malcolm quickly changed the topic "Well if you train all night then not only will you be a good fighter like Lucas, but you'll be an angry shit like Lucas." Preston responded with a laugh "All right, all right, I'll go to bed."
Malcolm smiled and sent his brother off when Preston suddenly stopped "Malcolm, can I ask you something?"
Malcolm rolled his eyes but agreed "Go for it."
Preston seemed serious. "I ovearheard mother and Lucina talking." Malcolm smirked. 'Eavesdropping you mean.'
Preston continued "I didn't hear much, mother mentioned father caring about Lucina and not to be so hard on him. I was about to leave when I heard them mention that I was named after Lucina's father."
Malcolm sighed, they didn't really talk about Lucina's father much and Preston was never told that he was named after him.
Preston looked up to Malcolm "could you tell me about him?"
Malcolm frowned, he felt like he shouldn't, though Preston did deserve to know about him but it should be father or Lucina who tells him. "It's not my place to say."
Preston didn't like that, he glared at Malcolm "Fine, I'll ask Lucina then--"
"No! Don't ask Lucina, it's not a happy memory and you'll just upset her." Malcolm warned Preston.
"But father must have named me after him for a reason!" Preston persisted "It feels like there's something I should be living up too to but I have no idea what. please just tell me about him."
Malcolm groaned, Preston did deserve to know, Malcolm knew the story but he wasn't there like father and Lucina. Preston may only have more questions that Malcolm couldn't answer but maybe knowing the story would help Preston find a purpose.
[Tell Preston about Lucina's father] [Don't tell Preston about Lucina's father]
Gregor
"Fuck it, I could use a drink and it might give me a chance to get to know Ludd." Gregor reasoned with his desire to drink.
Thermund smiled "well go on then, I'll keep things under control here."
"Thank you Thermund" Gregor smiled and made his way down to the Tavern to meet Ludd.
"Hahaha!" Gregor heard Ludd laugh as he entered, Gods he was loud.
"Forrester! Over here!" Ludd called out to Gregor and he approached. Ludd was quite a large fellow and he looked strong, he would likely be a force to be reckoned with on the battlefield, it couldn't hurt to make a friend of him.
"I see you've made yourself at home already, Ludd." Gregor gave Ludd a friendly smile and Ludd replied by handing Gregor a mug "Come drink with me, there's something I'd like to talk about"
Gregor nodded and sat with Ludd as he drank from his mug.
Ludd smiled "I hope you're not offended when I say our fathers are arrogant fools" Ludd said boldy and Gregor laughed.
"Not at all, I've thought the same multiple times"
Ludd laughed "That's good to hear, it's just that this bloodfeud seems so pointless!" Ludd began to rant "That dead guy killed this dead guy so now all the living are supposed to kill eachother?" Ludd seemed visibly angry "it's fucking infuriating! I want no part of it!"
Gregor sighed "It does seem rather pointless doesn't it? I've tried to talk sense into my father but he just doesn't trust your family"
Ludd seemed deep in thought "that's... interesting. Your father has trust issues whereas my father's reasons seem more personal."
Gregor raised an eyebrow "what do you mean?"
Ludd sighed "My father hates your father, my uncle died when Thorren took the river valley from us."
Gregor frowned "I didn't know that, I'm sorry."
Ludd groaned "ugh, it's fine. To be fair we did take it from you first. But then again my father says we were provoked." Ludd sighed "I don't know."
Gregor had been thinking about this for a while "I wish things could change."
Ludd made a bold statement "wishing isn't worth a damn, our fathers won't live forevor Gregor, one day we'll rule our Houses and the future is up to us."
Gregor was a bit skeptical "we're not the first Forrester and Whitehill to talk this way. Something always seems to get in the way."
Ludd was deep in thought "Do you think things will ever change? Or are we destined to always be enemies?"
It was a good question, Gregor hoped things could change but he had his doubts. What if some of what his father says is true? Maybe the Whitehills aren't to be trusted.
["We'll always be enemies"] ["One day things have to change"]
[Tell Preston about Lucina's father] Simply because I am curious. I guess he understands that Malcolm may not know all details though.
["One day things have to change"] Let's be optimistic with that :-pp
Another great part! I highly enjoyed the talk between Prestan and Malcolm, as well as the one between Gregor and Ludd. Especially the latter was a highlight for me. In general, this whole story just keeps getting better and better
[Tell Preston about Lucina's father]
I think this is only fair, to tell his little brother about the man he is named after. He asked for it and I see little reason to refuse his request. Of course, he could always ask his father or Lucina herself, but he asked Malcolm and it would not be fair to refuse to answer. Besides, Damien and Lucina are both heavily emotionally involved in this story and telling it could cause upsetting memories to resurface, as Malcolm himself mentioned.
["One day things have to change"]
Well, we know things will not change, at least not after the events of the game, I'm afraid. At the same time, I'd like for Gregor to be a bit more optimistic about things. From his perspective, things might be able to change one day. At this point of the events, it's not too late. And well, I never thought I'd ever say that, but I kind of like Ludd now, at least your version of him. It's equal parts funny and intriguing to think that he, of all people, has been the voice of reason in the Forrester-Whitehill conflict. So, let's not become his enemy yet, okay?
[Tell Preston about Lucina's father] - I think it's best if Preston finds out now, and from Malcolm directly.
["We'll always be enemies"] - Gregor should be blunt and matter-of-fact about the realities of the relationship between the Forrester's and the Whitehill's, I think, though it's a tough call. I'm loving their interactions by the way. "That dead guy killed this dead guy so now all the living are supposed to kill eachother?" Not only a great line, but I can just vividly hear and envision Ludd saying that. It's so great, I love it!
Keep up the good work!
I loved writing that line! It's how I generally feel about the Forrester-Whitehill conflict and it just works with Ludd's bluntness.
[Tell Preston about Lucina's father]
["One day things have to change"]
[Tell Preston about Lucina's father] He deserves to know.
["One day things have to change] I'd like to think Ludd and Gregor could cast aside their rivialries despite what happens in the game.
[Tell Preston about Lucina's father] I wonder what is so terrible about this preston.hmmm
["We'll always be enemies"] Ahh its true , gtota be blunt and obvious.gregor was mostly blunt and obvious. but this choice is the unpopular one
The voting is closed! Malcolm will Tell Preston about Lucina's father and Gregor will tell Ludd "One day things have to change"
So last time I closed the voting, I said Malcolm would learn his objective and Gregor would begin the march on Summerspring in the next part. That didn't happen. The reason for that is, I decided to add in these two choices instead of going straight to those parts. I tend to make changes a lot so from now on, I'm gonna try to avoid saying what happens next.
However I want to briefly talk about Gregor's choice. I wanted to make a choice that would affect his attitude towards the Whitehills. Picking "We'll always be enemies" would've resulted in Gregor being very distrusting of any Whitehill characters including Ludd. Wheras with the choice that won Gregor is more reasonable with them and believes that peace is possible.
Malcolm
Malcolm sighed as Preston stared at him, waiting to hear the story "Okay, I'll tell you, just keep it to yourself"
Preston nodded "I promise!" Malcolm was really hesitant to tell this story, he worried it'd bring back bad memories but Preston did deserve to know.
"I didn't know him myself, you'd have to ask Lucina what he was like but like I said, you'll only upset her."
Preston groaned "what about father?" Malcolm shook his head "father didn't know him either, he had only just met him."
Malcolm thought back to what he was told "Lucina and her father were staying in a Tavern, you know the one Samuel's always at. Father was visiting the Tavern as well. He had a horse with him, a Destrier it was a gift from Lord Tyrell, I think it came from the free cities."
Preston groaned "I asked about Lucina's father not some bloody horse." Malcolm groaned in annoyance "Shut up! It's important to the story."
Malcolm continued "anyway, it was large and wild, almost impossible to control. It broke free and attacked the other horses in the stable, Lucina's father's horses." Preston didn't seem to follow and Malcolm continued "Father and Lucina's father rushed to the stables in an attempt to control the beast. The horse ended up attacking father but Lucina's father pushed him out of the way and he got hurt instead, he later died from his injuries."
Preston frowned "So... he saved father's life?" Malcolm nodded and Preston seemed deep in thought "I think I get it, father feels guilty doesn't he?"
Malcolm raised an eyebrow "maybe, I always thought he that he felt he owed him and wanted to honor him as much."
Malcolm yawned "so afterwards father sent a letter to Lucina's family, she was alone and far away from home, he offered to take her in, raise her, give her a good education and so she'd never have to worry about anything ever again. Father still sends Lucina's family gold to compensate for the loss."
Preston nodded in understanding "how did she become mothers handmaiden?" Malcolm smiled "well mother really likes her, and she needed a handmaiden, not much more to it than that." Malcolm smirked "So that's the story of how Summerspring recieved even more beauty" he chuckled obviously refferring to Lucina. Preston glared at him "Save your infatuations, please." Malcolm frowned "sorry."
Preston seemed concerned about something "Lucina, she doesn't blame father right? She's not angry at him at all?"
Malcolm raised an eyebrow "For what happened to her father? I don't think-- no, no there's no way! Not after everything he's done for her." Malcolm responded with confidence.
Preston smiled "thanks for telling me, I'm gonna think about it some more" Malcolm smirked "yeah well think about in bed." Preston groaned "I'm going!"
Preston headed back inside and Malcolm went to bed soon after, there was a lot to do tommorow.
Malcolm, Samuel, Lucas and their father had gathered in the small council chamber.
Damien took his seat "We need to--" Malcolm suddenly interrupted "before we begin--" then Samuel groaned "Oh here we go."
Malcolm sighed, this was bound to cause an argument but he had to say it "Father, why haven't you bent the knee to Robert Baratheon?"
Damien was visibly annoyed "Because we are Branfields, we abandon none, our allies need us and--"
"Your loyalty is going to get us all killed!" Malcolm snapped "The mad king isn't worth this."
"Watch your tongue Malcolm" Samuel said sternly and then Lucas surprisingly defended Malcolm "Our brother brings up a valid point, our king has gone mad" Samuel, Damien and even Malcolm looked at Lucas in disbelief.
Samuel spoke up "How can you say that? You've always been more loyal to the Targaryens than any of us!" Samuel spoke truly. Lucas was devoted to the Targaryens even as a child and grew angry at any who spoke against them. Lucas trained so hard because he wanted to give the Targaryens the best he could give.
Lucas sighed "Don't mistake my honesty for treachery. I'll fight for the Targaryens, die for them if I must but there's no denying that Robert Baratheon is justified in starting this war. I daresay Aerys was the who really started it."
"ENOUGH!" Damien shouted and silenced his sons. "What are our words Malcolm?"
Malcolm sighed knowing where his father was going with this, he reluctantly answered "In Arms to the End"
"In Arms to the End" Lucas and Samuel repeated.
Damien stared Malcolm down, determined to convince him "We live or we die with our allies, we don't abandon them to save ourselves."
Malcolm didn't respond, he knew this was an argument he couldn't win.
"Perhaps we should get to business..." Samuel broke the silence and Lucas nodded in agreement.
Damien sighed "we need to find Jacob."
"Find Jacob?" Malcolm said in alarm "Where's he gone?" Malcolm noticed that his younger brother Jacob was abscent but didn't realize he was missing.
Samuel explained "We need more men, what we have won't do. Jacob volunteered to hire some sellswords. He left weeks ago." Malcolm sighed, they have a war to fight and instead they have to track down their foolish brother.
Samuel continued "I''ve been looking for him for a while, when I couldn't find him I took some intiatiative and tracked you down."
Damien leaned forward "You've spent a great deal of time among sellswords, it was our hope that you may have some idea as to where Jacob would've looked, last we saw he was headed to the small town that Samuel found you in."
Malcolm gave it a think "knowing Jacob, the fool probably tried to strike big and look for Tom Fucking Wolfson."
Lucas raised an eyebrow "Wolfson? The Northern House?"
Malcolm nodded "Tom ran away from home with his brother. I don't know much about the man himself, just that he has a large force of sellswords. and that he's dangerous."
"Maybe his brother can lead us to him?" Damien suggested.
Malcolm shook his head "Nah, his brother's dead, Tom probably killed him."
Lucas frowned "So there's no hope of finding Jacob?"
Malcolm didn't respond at first as he was trying to think of a solution "Maybe not, I know this sellsword, she mentioned that she used to run with Tom."
Samuel eyes widened "Is she pretty?"
"Ugh, Samuel!" Lucas groaned and Samuel smirked "What?"
Malcolm ignored his question "Our path seems clear to me, I'll track down Nesa and hopefully she can lead me to Tom and he can lead me to Jacob."
Damien smiled, he was clearly impressed "excellent, you'll leave immediately, as in now. Will you need men?"
Malcolm shook his head "No, I'll be too easily noticed, if I go on my own I should be able to pass as a simple traveler, don't want our enemies to know what we're up to"
Samuel nodded in agreement "good point."
"Take one of your brothers at least" Damien insisted.
Malcolm sighed, he knew he could do it on his own but decided to avoid another argument. "Sure, who should I bring?"
Damien shrugged "your decision, whoever you don't bring will help me defend the keep."
Malcolm stopped to think about it, Lucas was bound to be a help, if Malcolm ended up in a fight Lucas would be perfect for that situation. He's the best fighter in House Branfield. However Samuel was smart, charming and had quite the silver tongue, he could help avoid a fight and keep Malcolm focused. It really depended on what kind of situation Malcolm expected to run into, or whose company he preffered.
[Bring Samuel] [Bring Lucas]
Gregor
"One day things have to change" Gregor said with certainty. "Really?" Ludd seemed surprised.
"Absolutely!" Gregor smiled "our Houses have fought each other for so long, it's time to move on. Besides, right now we have a common enemy."
Ludd laughed and slamed the table, Gregor gasped as he dropped his mug.
"You're right, Forrester! The fighting has to end. I think I like you" Ludd admitted.
"Then maybe you could call me Gregor instead of Forrester?" Gregor laughed with Ludd.
"I'll work on it." Ludd smiled. "Let's toast then, to ending our feud!"
"Sure as soon as you buy me another drink" Gregor frowned at his fallen mug.
Gregor and the other Northern lords assembled with their forces "It's time to march, men!"
Ludd looked disappointed "What? No inspiring speech?"
Gregor shook his head "nah, I don't do speeches." He said as he led the march.
Eamon Glenmore caught up to Gregor "Lord Forrester, I wanted to apologise and explain my father's actions."
Gregor didn't hide his annoyance very well "It's fine Eamon"
"No it's not" Eamon frowned "It's disrespectful and insulting to have come with so small a force, and you deserve an explanation."
Gregor looked to Eamon and chose to hear him out.
"You were right. My father isn't taking this fight seriously and I've been a disappointing heir so far, he isn't willing to commit. Eamon's expression changed to a more determined one "But this is my chance to prove myself to my father, I may have a small force but I'll give you everything I have, if there's anything you need, tell me and I'll get it done!"
Gregor frowned he could symphaise with being a disappointing heir and wanting to prove yourself. "I appreciate it Eamon."
Eamon smiled "I'm glad, hopefully we can get past that poor first impression."
"We'll see" Gregor looked ahead and saw a Degore scout riding towards them.
"My lord!" The scout shouted and Royland stepped forward "What is it?"
"There's a force up ahead, around a hundred men blocking the road"
Gregor stepped forward "Did you see a banner?"
The scout looked to Gregor and Royland gave an approving nod "A Hanged man, Lord Forrester."
"A hanged man?" Gregor repeated.
"Sigil of House Trant." Eamon explained.
"I know what bloody House it is, Eamon!" Gregor snapped "Why the fucks House Trant blocking the road?"
"I doubt they intend any trouble" Royland added "They're on our side."
Ludd nodded "I wouldn't worry, let's just march forward"
Gregor looked ahead "Best to be cautious, the main force will hang back, Eamon I will march forward with his elite guard"
Ludd nodded "Take Ser Larion with you, he's not much of a diplomat but he commands respect."
Gregor nodded "All right, I'll send Larion back when it's safe to march forward."
Gregor, Larion, and Eamon with his elite guard marched forward to meet a man sitting on his horse, he was seven feet tall with broad shoulders, he had dark brown hair and a bushy beard as well as icy blue eyes. Gregor noticed a scar across his right cheek that started from his upper lip and ended below his ear, this man had seen his fair share of battles. He was wearing the heaviest armor Gregor had ever seen.
Gregor stopped in front of him, assuming him to be Lord Rogar. "Lord Rogar, why are you blocking the road?" Gregor asked bluntly. The man seemed angered by this. He climbed off his horse and got right in Gregor's face but Gregor didn't back down. Larion became uneasy and kept his hand close to his sword.
The armored man finally spoke "Don't mistake me for that weakling again" Gregor wasn't expecting such hostility.
"It's his brother, Marcos" Eamon explained.
Marcos smiled "Good eye" he then looked back to Gregor "You're not Thorren Forrester, where's your father, whelp?"
Gregor was getting visibly angered by Marcos "he's headed to the Trident, I'm leading this force in his place."
Marcos was visibly annoyed by this "You're to lead us? No." He looked at Gregor's company "You're no leader, you're too young and you didn't even bring your own men, your protection is a Glenmore whelp and a Whitehill dog!"
Larion didn't like that. He angrily shoved Marcos "Show some fucking respect!" the men behind Marcos reached for their weapons as the conversation got heated. Marcos glared daggers at Larion "lay your hands on me again old man, see what happens"
"Enough!" Gregor stepped forward and took charge again. Gregor had heard about Marcos, he was one of the greatest knights alive, though he had never heard of him being this hostile. "Why are you here Ser Marcos?"
Marcos took his attention away from Larion and looked to Gregor "Robert Baratheon is concerned that your House is too closely tied to House Branfield to eradicate them. He sent me to assist."
Gregor was annoyed by this, did Robert have no faith in them? However Gregor continued to be diplomatic "We're happy to accept your assistance but--"
"That was when I thought Thorren was leading us, I'd sooner follow my pathetic nephew into battle than you" Marcos interrupted Gregor. "I'll be taking command now."
Gregor had heard enough, he's lost his patience and his temper "All right, I've heard enough." Gregor marched towards Marcos "I don't give a fuck what Robert Baratheon told you, I'm in charge! The way I see it, you have two options. You fall in line and follow my orders or you can fuck off to Robert Baratheon and take your complaints to him!" Larion was clearly impressed and a little surprised by Gregor's show of authority.
Marcos looked Gregor in the eye "Very well, my men are yours" Gregor smirked "Good."
"I'm not done yet, at least give me a place on your council."
"My council?" Gregor raised an eyebrow.
"Yes, my experience will be of use, I'll simply be there to advise you"
Gregor looked to Larion and Eamon "What do you think?"
Eamon smiled "I say let him in, he's a great knight and I'm sure he'll be of use. He's bound to have been in a lot of sieges."
Larion shook his head "Ludd won't like this and I'm betting Degore won't either. He'll just get in the way. He'll question every damn decision you make." Gregor looked to Marcos, he didn't like the idea of Marcos nagging in his ear everytime he made a decision he didn't like but Eamon wasn't wrong. He's bound to have some good advice.
"What will it be Forrester?" Marcos began to get impatient.
[Let Marcos join the council] [Don't let Marcos join the council]
[Bring Samuel] [Let Marcos join the council]
This story just keeps getting better and better with each part
Preston is just great and so was the talk between him and Malcolm! And I'm happy to see Marcos in the story. Just like Lucina, you really wrote him just as I imagined and I'm looking forward for more of him.
[Bring Samuel]
Malcolm has proven to be a decent fighter himself, so I don't know how much a second good fighter would come in handy. And I don't think Samuel is that horrible at fighting either. And having someone who is a smooth talker can't be a bad idea. He can surely be of help if they get into any negotiations. And considering that Jacob's original mission, finding sellswords to hire, had a focus on negotiation, I'd see it as possible that Malcolm will get into a similar situation.
[Let Marcos join the council]
I think it's not that much of a wise idea to piss Marcos off here. And it could be quite a positive decision, since giving him a place in the council will assure that Gregor gets to benefit from his experience. It might also be a way for him to earn Marcos' respect, which might come in handy. And even if he questions every of his decisions, I think Gregor can handle him. At best, Marcos might even bring up legitimate flaws in their plans, which will come in handy.
Bring Lucas- Malcom NEEDS a warrior by his side. Malcom is at War, noone is here to negotiate and talk out. Bring Lucas
Do not let him join the small concil- This will cause trouble SHORT TERM, but long term it will caus even more trouble. i dont need Marco to be here conflicting choices with degore.Tell the fool to follow Gregor's orders and to keep quiet
btw Lord AgentZ , plz dont forget the idea of whos the heir to Malcom's father, Lucas or samuel. I think its one of thee best parts of the story so far and it would be a shame to be forgotten about. im excited to see what would happen,perhaps their father told one of them and will tell them later on which would cause some interesting drama.
DONT FORGET IT!
Lord SIF
[Bring Samuel] It would not hurt to have a solid negotiator with Malcolm on this particular mission.
[Let Marcos join the council] It would not hurt to have a great accomplished knight in their council. Marcos could end up benefitting Gregor and would only be there to give advice and if it turns out that Marcos is trying to undermine Gregor's authority too much or Gregor feels the advice is useless, Gregor could just as easily ignore his advice. The potential risk is definitely worth the reward in my opinion.
WORSHIP ME FOOLS! WORSHIP ME!
Jokes aside, I have not forgotten but I'm not certain if I'll bring it up again. They're at war and have other things to worry about. I'll keep it in mind though.
Marcos is not only a great character to have but he helps me to have Gregor prove he's a good leader and to show his more aggressive side. For example: Larion being impressed with Gregor probably wouldn't have happened if Marcos hadn't been introduced here.