Anyone else sometimes dread having to go to sleep? Not because of the nightmares exactly, but because you don't want to have to slog through… more at least 8 hours of uncontrollable surreality, having to put up with your mind gleefully distorting your loved ones and cherished memories, regardless of if you're comfortable with the direction it's heading,until it decides it's finally time to release you back into the real world?
I just want to be well rested for the morning. I don't want to have to put up with some director's drug induced experimental art film starring my life that I won't even remember right after I watch it lol
Tbh (and feel free to correct me) I get heavy idealistic vibes from a good chunk of the regulars in this thread as I read the posts in here (and to a much lesser extent the rest of these forums.) I love it. It makes for a pleasant atmosphere and an effective support group when the people want to realize the best in each other.
I just want to say if you do identify as an idealist... and I wish I could've told myself this when I was younger, that you're not a bad person for choosing your own enemies. Your ideals are not self-evident, and if you pass up your chance to impose them onto the world, thinking that they will prove themself in time, they will only shrivel with you. You deserve more than that. You're visions of how humanity should be don't have to be just a dream. The world wants to break your idealism because the system has already been refined in the way they see fit. They've already made their conclusions on how the world should work in accordance to their will. Your dreams don't fit in with that picture, so they'll cast them as flawed because they've already established in their own doctrine that their reason is impenetrable. If their system was truly fine just the way it is you wouldn't be in this state of disaffection in the first place. So break it, in any way your power allows. Crush anyone who insists that you're wrong without adequately proving it to you. Don't let anyone intentionallly tower their worldview over you and what you think is right. Your ideals are above all, and if someone gets it through to you with solid reasoning that your mindset is flawed, take note of what they have to say, but never let anyone convince that how you think the world should be is wrong purely because they flaunt their power over you.
I don't mean to say "be brutish" with your beliefs. I've just seen too many idealists stay down after being pummeled because they thought standing up to those who sought to destroy them would make them lose sight of who they are, and I don't want that to happen to you guys Take care all of you
I think, the worst thing a parent can do to their child, outside of physically or neglectfully hurting them, is teaching them that anger in and of itself is unhealthy and unjustified. It's cliche but true: anger is a flame that burns when our minds unleashes a spark in response to our standards being crossed. Much like we can't tell our hearts to stop beating, we cannot force ourselves to stop that spark from occurring, we can only do what we can to curb the aftermath. Our brains may be complex, but they're still only electronics. Like how a lamp cannot use free will to turn itself off when it feels it's light is an inconvience, we can not will ourself to turn alter our emotions unless protocols have been hardwired into us to do so, but even then that basic emotional programming doesn't leave us it's just being rerouted, whether through healthy means or otherwise.
And hey, fire is one of the most potent tools at humanity's disposal; some things need to be burned to improve our standards of living. Engines need to burn gasoline, much like our passion needs to be set aflame to kick us into action. It's only when the flames grow out of our control is when it becomes a problem, but even then we're not wicked people for letting it get to that point, even if we convince ourselves that we're doing it intentionally. We just haven't been taught how to handle fire effectively and for the right purposes. It's a skill that needs to be learned, not an inherent test of character. We need more mentors that are willing to teach us that anger has a place in our society and are capable of showing us how to possess that flame constructively. Denying your children or students that basic human right only leaves them unprepared or unrefined for the battles they will inevitably face.
What I want to say is, never feel like you're in the wrong for resorting to anger to solve your problems, only be sure to use it responsibly and intelligently to the best of your ability.
I just want to say that I admire everyone who has had the courage to lay out what's troubling their minds on this thread just as much as those willing to help them out. A lot of the times when I'd stop by here (or anywhere on the internet where people confess these kinds of things) and read some of the problems that have left you guys feeling resentful or insecure I'd think to myself "Damn, I wish I had the guts to share something like that."
I feel that many people are taught to put up a barrier against what they believe to be weaknesses and unpleasant truths in their lives, rather than trying to tackle them head on. I'm guilty of that too. Having grown up being taught that cleaning up meant shoving all the mess around the house into the closet when someone came over, I was lead to believe that the outsider's view of your house was all that mattered. Only when you believe that your house will soon fall apart in the next few days, and if you mind living your life as a lie you'll soon feel frustrated at yourself for it. You've never been taught the true value of cleanliness, only the appearance of it.
It's encouraging to see others be so open with the messes in their lives in the hopes of getting tips on how to clean them just as much as it is seeing the ones giving advice with it be so constructive and caring rather than resorting to biting judgements just to drive it in their head that they're wrong. You guys are great, I hope to see more of you give what's on your mind here, but if you don't want to that's fine. It's your life, only share when you feel comfortable doing so ?
How can I get rid of this huge fear of losing the person closest to me?
As some of you may know, I've recently started dating one of my best friends. But as with most things in my life, although it is good and has been going so well, my mind is constantly so focused on all the negatives (about me, not her) that I'm having trouble feeling free and enjoying myself.
I can't help but have this huge underlying fear that I'm gonna lose her -- or more accurately: she's gonna find someone else a little smarter, kinder, richer, more handsome than I am. Or that if I can't satisfy her, she'll find someone who can.
I know this fear comes from my insecurities that I dont feel good enough for her. And I know if I dont find a way to deal with it it will destroy our relationship.
She has many straight male friends that are much funnier and better looking than I am and have more common interests with her than I do. And I wonder why she chose me over them. And it makes me think that if she wanted something I couldn't give her, that she has many people she could go get it from. One of them in particular has a history of sexual interest in her, and she knows it.
Maybe I'm just on edge because I actually dreamt last night that she was cheated on me. She was remorseful in my dream because she wanted to 'be with me forever' but I was so angry. Angry that she did that to me. Angry that we were meant to be together forever but she went and destroyed my trust and I could never trust her again. I was yelling at her and she was so upset, but I didn't care. In real life though, we've never actually argued yet.
The only thing worse than losing someone, is losing them to someone else. Someone better than you. I feel like that moment is inevitable, and I'm only delaying it. In my heart, it feels as though it's already dying, but in reality things have only gotten better.
I dunno. I've been trying to figure out where the main insecurity lies. We haven't actually had many 'intimate' moments and haven't really 'done it' properly, mainly due to the fact that its all new territory for me and I want to take it slow. But she's mentioned how frustrating it is for her, and I worry that she'll try to get what she wants from someone else because I'm taking too long. The fact that my body refuses to cooperate most the time makes it really difficult.
Ugh, I dont know. My heart hurts and I dont know why. Its like the ache from my dream I've long woken up from still remains. I just want to be happy and enjoy what should be an exciting time, but my fucking sadistic and drama-craving mind has to make things difficult for me.
People love each other for who they are. That's why it's important to be yourself, communicate, and trust. As long as you haven't been pretending to be someone else, she probably won't leave just 'cause some other guy seems to be a "better deal," unless you drive her away.
It sounds like she wants to move faster than you do, which is probably embarrassing because it's "supposed" to be the guy pressuring the girl to move faster. Don't worry about what things are supposed to be, just what's right for the two of you. As long as you're both OK with the same eventual goal, make plans to take steps so that you're making some progress, just not so fast that you wind up in an anxiety attack. If you're on your way to where you both want to go, she'll see and respect that, and you'll feel more secure in your relationship.
How can I get rid of this huge fear of losing the person closest to me?
As some of you may know, I've recently started dating one of my b… moreest friends. But as with most things in my life, although it is good and has been going so well, my mind is constantly so focused on all the negatives (about me, not her) that I'm having trouble feeling free and enjoying myself.
I can't help but have this huge underlying fear that I'm gonna lose her -- or more accurately: she's gonna find someone else a little smarter, kinder, richer, more handsome than I am. Or that if I can't satisfy her, she'll find someone who can.
I know this fear comes from my insecurities that I dont feel good enough for her. And I know if I dont find a way to deal with it it will destroy our relationship.
She has many straight male friends that are much funnier and better looking than I am and have more common interests with her than I do. And I wonder why she chose me o… [view original content]
True love is about finding someone who sees you as more than the sum of your parts. You'll never be the smartest, or the richest, or the handsomest or the kindest person in the world and most likely not even in your community, and practically everyone won't. No one can excel at one of those things without falling short in some other department. But that's okay, because dating doesn't mean being the ultimate man. It's finding the right girl who complements your character and vice versa. If that spark between you two fades away then it just means that both of you both have changed as people, either in each other's eyes or in general, and the pieces just don't mesh anymore. That's not either of your guys' fault, and you're not automatically the "weaker man" just because she found that it clicks with someone else.
I'm not against putting your SO on a pedestal but even so she's not the ultimate judge of character, not even in your life. She's flawed (maybe even secretly insecure about it like you are) and has her own preferences when it comes to guys like any other woman. That doesn't mean she shouldn't hold special value in your life but it does mean that what she looks for in a guy shouldn't define who you are. Be who you want to be first, and the right girl will follow.
And that doesn't mean that the quality of your character doesn't play a role in whether she stays with you, but quality is subjective. What she might disapprove of in you another girl could be awed over. What is important is having confidence in what you can bring to the table. Even when you admit your flaws (which can be a healthy thing in a relationship) you have to show that you see yourself as worthy of being in her life, at least before you manage to get her "hooked" on who you are, so to speak.
Does all that make sense to you? It's okay if it doesn't, I won't mind. I really hope that this relationship turns out well for you despite the qualms you have over it's future. Although if it doesn't turn well its not the end of the world for you, though its natural to feel that way when it doesn't work out. I'm certain you'll find the right girl soon enough if she doesn't turn out to be the one
How can I get rid of this huge fear of losing the person closest to me?
As some of you may know, I've recently started dating one of my b… moreest friends. But as with most things in my life, although it is good and has been going so well, my mind is constantly so focused on all the negatives (about me, not her) that I'm having trouble feeling free and enjoying myself.
I can't help but have this huge underlying fear that I'm gonna lose her -- or more accurately: she's gonna find someone else a little smarter, kinder, richer, more handsome than I am. Or that if I can't satisfy her, she'll find someone who can.
I know this fear comes from my insecurities that I dont feel good enough for her. And I know if I dont find a way to deal with it it will destroy our relationship.
She has many straight male friends that are much funnier and better looking than I am and have more common interests with her than I do. And I wonder why she chose me o… [view original content]
I know I didn't get to your worries of her possibly cheating, and that's because its understandable that you'd feel that way. We can all say "oh if she cheats drop her immediately she ain't worth your time" but obviously that's easier said than done. We don't love her like you do, so what would be the objective thing to do is going to be hard to swallow, and its not wrong to feel that way when it comes to the people you love.
My advice would be that as her boyfriend it is your duty to always see the best in her until the proof of her guilt is undeniable. If you can't see what's special in her anymore, or if the baggage has become too much, that doesn't make you a bad person or a bad boyfriend. It's just your gut telling you it's time to move on.
Cheating is simply a moment of weakness that comes when you deny that intuition and try to have your cake and eat it. Doing it doesn't make someone a wicked person, it just shows that they're insecure with their feelings towards the people they're attracted to. It's not dishonorable for you to get cheated on, it's just that if it did happen to you your GF didn't have the heart, want or care to break things completely with you before seeking other people. Don't take it as an insult to your character.
For the sake of your relationship I hope you'll be able to look past these anxieties and become convinced that her love for you is unwavering, but if you're absolutely certain that it isn't then listen to what your mind is telling you. You know her the best out of anyone in this community so you're the most qualified to determine what are the right calls for your relationship. I hope it turns out well for you
How can I get rid of this huge fear of losing the person closest to me?
As some of you may know, I've recently started dating one of my b… moreest friends. But as with most things in my life, although it is good and has been going so well, my mind is constantly so focused on all the negatives (about me, not her) that I'm having trouble feeling free and enjoying myself.
I can't help but have this huge underlying fear that I'm gonna lose her -- or more accurately: she's gonna find someone else a little smarter, kinder, richer, more handsome than I am. Or that if I can't satisfy her, she'll find someone who can.
I know this fear comes from my insecurities that I dont feel good enough for her. And I know if I dont find a way to deal with it it will destroy our relationship.
She has many straight male friends that are much funnier and better looking than I am and have more common interests with her than I do. And I wonder why she chose me o… [view original content]
Its not that she's untrustworthy or that there's been signs, its just that my mind says "Well, you're not [insert personal flaw] or [flaw 2] enough, she deserves better, so it makes sense that she's gonna want it from someone else" and I think "well, you're right."
I do love her so much, I just hope I can get past these insecurities so I can be the truest me and enjoy myself in the relationship.
But thanks for all your advice. What you said does make sense to me.
I know I didn't get to your worries of her possibly cheating, and that's because its understandable that you'd feel that way. We can all say… more "oh if she cheats drop her immediately she ain't worth your time" but obviously that's easier said than done. We don't love her like you do, so what would be the objective thing to do is going to be hard to swallow, and its not wrong to feel that way when it comes to the people you love.
My advice would be that as her boyfriend it is your duty to always see the best in her until the proof of her guilt is undeniable. If you can't see what's special in her anymore, or if the baggage has become too much, that doesn't make you a bad person or a bad boyfriend. It's just your gut telling you it's time to move on.
Cheating is simply a moment of weakness that comes when you deny that intuition and try to have your cake and eat it. Doing it doesn't make someone a wicked person, it just shows that they're in… [view original content]
"Well, you're not [insert personal flaw] or [flaw 2] enough, she deserves better, so it makes sense that she's gonna want it from someone else"
"Yeah well you're a part of me, you only get to tell that shade of the "truth" because I let you. Now you better shut the hell up and stop trying to sabotage my relationship or I'm going to throw you back in the trash bin at the corner of my mind where you belong"
"...ok"
I'm kidding (I know its not that easy) but yeah the weaknesses aren't the problem, it's the magnifying glass you put over them. I've done this too. You've earned her heart already, now all you have to do is run as far as you can with it. Put what you feel is your best man out there. Don't stop to think of what you think are your weaknesses and failures unless you have a solution to remedy them. You got this, your faults be damned. You'll make it home, and if you don't you'll have plenty more games to play with the practice you learned from this one.
I'm sure you'll be able to overcome these insecurities eventually. It won't happen overnight of course but any progress is a good thing. Good luck to you
Its not that she's untrustworthy or that there's been signs, its just that my mind says "Well, you're not [insert personal flaw] or [flaw 2]… more enough, she deserves better, so it makes sense that she's gonna want it from someone else" and I think "well, you're right."
I do love her so much, I just hope I can get past these insecurities so I can be the truest me and enjoy myself in the relationship.
But thanks for all your advice. What you said does make sense to me.
"Well, you're not [insert personal flaw] or [flaw 2] enough, she deserves better, so it makes sense that she's gonna want it from someone el… morese"
"Yeah well you're a part of me, you only get to tell that shade of the "truth" because I let you. Now you better shut the hell up and stop trying to sabotage my relationship or I'm going to throw you back in the trash bin at the corner of my mind where you belong"
"...ok"
I'm kidding (I know its not that easy) but yeah the weaknesses aren't the problem, it's the magnifying glass you put over them. I've done this too. You've earned her heart already, now all you have to do is run as far as you can with it. Put what you feel is your best man out there. Don't stop to think of what you think are your weaknesses and failures unless you have a solution to remedy them. You got this, your faults be damned. You'll make it home, and if you don't you'll have plenty more games to play with the pract… [view original content]
Definetly. All the people I care most about I'd put their lives above mine.
I'm not really a people's person. I dont like many people, but the few I do like, I'd do anything for.
The few people I love, I believe in more than anything, and I honestly believe I'd do anything for them. Yes, even killing someone. Multiple people if it meant ensuring their safety or happiness. Because frankly, I dont care about the other people. Most people dont deserve what they have, and I believe the people I love do deserve what the world has to offer.
If you're not an egomaniac or a misanthrope there's always going to be someone like that in your life. If you're willing to dismiss your ego to accept that some of those in your personal life have a better outlook or personality than you then it shows that you're a good person who acknowledges that you still have much to learn from those close to you, not that you're weak. As long as you don't believe yourself to be the hopeless bottom of the barrel among your social group it's healthy to feel that way
Part of loving someone is being able to let them go when being tied to you will cause them to suffer, right?
But what if they don't want to go even when its in their best interest to leave? If they are only staying in a damaging situation because leaving it would mean moving far from you and potentially losing you? Should it be up to you to make the bigger choice for their sake, or let them choose to remain in a dangerous place?
Who are you to say what their best interest is? If they are fully informed and choose to stay, even knowing they may suffer in the end, that's their choice to make.
Now that I've said that, here are a couple of exceptions:
If there are kids involved, what's best for them may take priority over everything else. Sometimes it can be hard to determine what's going to be best for them, though.
There are controlling, abusive relationships where one partner would like to leave but feels trapped, or if he/she would only change something, the relationship would get better again. (It won't.) It usually takes something extreme to break these up.
Part of loving someone is being able to let them go when being tied to you will cause them to suffer, right?
But what if they don't want … moreto go even when its in their best interest to leave? If they are only staying in a damaging situation because leaving it would mean moving far from you and potentially losing you? Should it be up to you to make the bigger choice for their sake, or let them choose to remain in a dangerous place?
Another part of loving someone is staying by their side no matter what happens. Even if they try to tell you you're better off without them you still stay because you can still see that spark in them from when you first met even if they can't see it themself.
I don't feel like there's enough context to the scenario to be able to give much in the way of insight. Why would they be suffering around you? Are you abusive and can't see yourself changing? Are you constantly depressed and feel like you're bringing down the mood? What's causing you to believe you're only damaging them by staying? Why can't they make the decision to cut ties themselves? Are they really in danger of being harmed or is your reality just being distorted?
We all have hurt the people we love at some point. It's not something we plan to do, it just happens because of miscommunication or our differing ideals getting in the way. It doesn't make us bad people undeserving of love, we're just always still learning how to be better people, that's all.
Part of loving someone is being able to let them go when being tied to you will cause them to suffer, right?
But what if they don't want … moreto go even when its in their best interest to leave? If they are only staying in a damaging situation because leaving it would mean moving far from you and potentially losing you? Should it be up to you to make the bigger choice for their sake, or let them choose to remain in a dangerous place?
I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and say that her suffering is from financial/career based loss. In that case, I would let her go in a heartbeat. For one, a girl with those types of problems would be way above my dating level. And I'd rather see them find success than for me to find benefit in our relationship. Fuck my needs.
Another part of loving someone is staying by their side no matter what happens. Even if they try to tell you you're better off without them … moreyou still stay because you can still see that spark in them from when you first met even if they can't see it themself.
I don't feel like there's enough context to the scenario to be able to give much in the way of insight. Why would they be suffering around you? Are you abusive and can't see yourself changing? Are you constantly depressed and feel like you're bringing down the mood? What's causing you to believe you're only damaging them by staying? Why can't they make the decision to cut ties themselves? Are they really in danger of being harmed or is your reality just being distorted?
We all have hurt the people we love at some point. It's not something we plan to do, it just happens because of miscommunication or our differing ideals getting in the way. It doesn't make us bad people undeserving of love, we're just always still learning how to be better people, that's all.
Reminds me of a line from Hamilton (love that musical lol)
"Will you relish being a poor man's wife? Unable to provide for your life..."
"I relish beingyourwife."
If she's aware of your financial troubles (and she should be) and still decides to stay then she has chosen her best interests. Cutting ties with her because of it shows little faith in her ability to make her own decisions. She chose you, so she doesn't care what your idea of dating level is cause she already saw a light in you that is worth chasing after. Is snuffing it out for her sake really less harmful to her than revealing your flaws and letting her come to her own conclusions? Is breaking the bridge yourself just so the weight of the baggage doesn't do it first really the right call?
I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and say that her suffering is from financial/career based loss. In that case, I would let her go in a… more heartbeat. For one, a girl with those types of problems would be way above my dating level. And I'd rather see them find success than for me to find benefit in our relationship. Fuck my needs.
In order for it to be a pleasant experience, both people should feel totally ready for it. And at the end of the day, no one's gonna die if they have to wait.
Even if feelings seem irrational, there's usually a good reason for them; a lot of the times it's hidden and completely different to what would be expected.
Why don't you feel like you're good enough for her?
How can I get rid of this huge fear of losing the person closest to me?
As some of you may know, I've recently started dating one of my b… moreest friends. But as with most things in my life, although it is good and has been going so well, my mind is constantly so focused on all the negatives (about me, not her) that I'm having trouble feeling free and enjoying myself.
I can't help but have this huge underlying fear that I'm gonna lose her -- or more accurately: she's gonna find someone else a little smarter, kinder, richer, more handsome than I am. Or that if I can't satisfy her, she'll find someone who can.
I know this fear comes from my insecurities that I dont feel good enough for her. And I know if I dont find a way to deal with it it will destroy our relationship.
She has many straight male friends that are much funnier and better looking than I am and have more common interests with her than I do. And I wonder why she chose me o… [view original content]
Even if feelings seem irrational, there's usually a good reason for them; a lot of the times it's hidden and completely different to what would be expected.
Feelings never need to be rational. How we act on them does, but to question the logic behind how we feel is to question human nature itself. We can't control them and we aren't behind the inner workings behind them. We have to respect how everyone feels even if we don't respect how they act, no matter how out there their feelings seem.
But yeah always remember to take the time to reflect on and question why you're feeling the way you are. The more you understand yourself, the easier it is to understand others.
In order for it to be a pleasant experience, both people should feel totally ready for it. And at the end of the day, no one's gonna die if … morethey have to wait.
Even if feelings seem irrational, there's usually a good reason for them; a lot of the times it's hidden and completely different to what would be expected.
Why don't you feel like you're good enough for her?
If you're not an egomaniac or a misanthrope there's always going to be someone like that in your life. If you're willing to dismiss your ego… more to accept that some of those in your personal life have a better outlook or personality than you then it shows that you're a good person who acknowledges that you still have much to learn from those close to you, not that you're weak. As long as you don't believe yourself to be the hopeless bottom of the barrel among your social group it's healthy to feel that way
Maybe, maybe not. If you're the one to break it off, she could be set down a very satisfying path and maybe she finds someone else that makes her even happier, and thanks you for setting her on that path. ( ._.)... Other people may take it differently on a personal level and it wrecks them for a long time, ruining their chances outside the relationship anyways. So many 'what if's' that it can be very hard to predict.
It took a shot in the dark for you to fall into each other's arms and now another shot has to be made to decide where it goes from there, and all you can do is pray for it to go well.
Reminds me of a line from Hamilton (love that musical lol)
"Will you relish being a poor man's wife? Unable to provide for your life..."
… more
"I relish being your wife."
If she's aware of your financial troubles (and she should be) and still decides to stay then she has chosen her best interests. Cutting ties with her because of it shows little faith in her ability to make her own decisions. She chose you, so she doesn't care what your idea of dating level is cause she already saw a light in you that is worth chasing after. Is snuffing it out for her sake really less harmful to her than revealing your flaws and letting her come to her own conclusions? Is breaking the bridge yourself just so the weight of the baggage doesn't do it first really the right call?
Maybe, maybe not. If you're the one to break it off, she could be set down a very satisfying path and maybe she finds someone else that makes her even happier, and thanks you for setting her on that path. ( ._.)...
It still doesn't seem like a lot of trust is being put into her ability to make her own decisions. She chose to be in a relationship with you, so rn she does feel like you're worth staying with even if you think there's better things out there. The only thing that's guaranteed from you breaking things off is that you'll leave her disappointed and heartbroken if her love for you was real.
So many 'what if's' that it can be very hard to predict.
Do these 'what ifs' have more credibility than the love the two have for each other. If yes then okay, you know your relationship better than I do, but is it healthier for a relationship for you to focus more on it's insecurities rather than the love itself?
It took a shot in the dark for you to fall into each other's arms and now another shot has to be made to decide where it goes from there
She saw a light in the darkness that was worth the shot. No sane person shoots in the dark for no reason. It could fail, yes, and we could contemplate all the ways it could fail, but the relationship never has a chance to succeed if you quit. If you feel like it's success is not worth working towards then okay, it's your relationship, but I hope you just look at it from an objective angle before you decide it's not.
EDIT: I definitely don't mean to paint anyone as the bad guy either. I just hope anyone who is thinking of breaking up with SO thinks over how it would affect them before they do it. It could be for the best, it depends on the state of the relationship, but it's not something that should be handled lightly, if that makes sense.
Maybe, maybe not. If you're the one to break it off, she could be set down a very satisfying path and maybe she finds someone else that make… mores her even happier, and thanks you for setting her on that path. ( ._.)... Other people may take it differently on a personal level and it wrecks them for a long time, ruining their chances outside the relationship anyways. So many 'what if's' that it can be very hard to predict.
It took a shot in the dark for you to fall into each other's arms and now another shot has to be made to decide where it goes from there, and all you can do is pray for it to go well.
It still doesn't seem like a lot of trust is being put into her ability to make her own decisions.
Yeah, I probably shouldn't use my past experience to base these types of judgements on. Not everyone is like that. And seeing now how easy it was for my outlook to be altered by that one situation, It's... unsettling.
I take back what I said. It was probably more me expressing my frustration with what happened before than it being my actual logical opinion. I'll need more time to think about it.
Maybe, maybe not. If you're the one to break it off, she could be set down a very satisfying path and maybe she finds someone else that make… mores her even happier, and thanks you for setting her on that path. ( ._.)...
It still doesn't seem like a lot of trust is being put into her ability to make her own decisions. She chose to be in a relationship with you, so rn she does feel like you're worth staying with even if you think there's better things out there. The only thing that's guaranteed from you breaking things off is that you'll leave her disappointed and heartbroken if her love for you was real.
So many 'what if's' that it can be very hard to predict.
Do these 'what ifs' have more credibility than the love the two have for each other. If yes then okay, you know your relationship better than I do, but is it healthier for a relationship for you to focus more on it's insecurities rather than the love itself?
It too… [view original content]
Yeah, I probably shouldn't use my past experience to base these types of judgements on. Not everyone is like that.
No don't worry about that. I'm using past experience to give my thoughts too. You're not wrong for doing that and you might even be right that she would be better off. I like being proven wrong when it's done respectfully. Maybe I'd agree that she would be better off but there's not enough context to really give a firm "yes you should cut ties." I just believe that in general we should do everything we can to make our relationships work, but it's not up to me to decide what doing everything means in your relationship. You're the only one who gets to call the shots in it.
And yeah I've have had broken relationships that has shattered how I look at love. Hopefully something will come to you that changes your outlook for the better (if that's what you want.)
It still doesn't seem like a lot of trust is being put into her ability to make her own decisions.
Yeah, I probably shouldn't use my… more past experience to base these types of judgements on. Not everyone is like that. And seeing now how easy it was for my outlook to be altered by that one situation, It's... unsettling.
I take back what I said. It was probably more me expressing my frustration with what happened before than it being my actual logical opinion. I'll need more time to think about it.
I definetly won't be ending the relationship anytime soon, she is honestly the greatest thing thats ever happened to me. It was more so guilt that to stay with me she has to deal with something else.
But thank you. You're right: part of loving someone is sticking by their side no matter what.
I've always thought that I was an imaginative and creative person; I used to draw, write stories, create or play music, animate, voice act (for my own unpublished projects), 'Photoshop' images, create small (incomplete) games and make crafts. In the past year, I've gradually stopped doing all these things, but since a recent change in my life (again), I feel like I've kind of... left behind all of that. But with nothing to replace it with.
I can't really call myself a creative person if I don't create anything. So... what is it that I do? Nothing, actually; I simply lack motivation to do... anything. I've realized that I'm only creative when I have friends to collaborate with and become inspired from. If I am dependent on others for motivation, then I cannot say that my work is my own doing. In essence, I am nothing. In a way, that's good; it's like a fresh new start and I'm free to be what I want. But it also makes me feel... lost... empty... meaningless.
I've always thought that I was an imaginative and creative person; I used to draw, write stories, create or play music, animate, voice act (for my own unpublished projects), 'Photoshop' images, create small (incomplete) games and make crafts. In the past year, I've gradually stopped doing all these things, but since a recent change in my life (again), I feel like I've kind of... left behind all of that.
Being a creative person doesn't mean you have to be creative all the time, it just means you have an affinity for imagination and being creative. You seem saddened that you can't seem to push yourself to be creative anymore so I think the affinity is still there.
If you feel like leaving that stuff behind is what's best for your life there's nothing wrong with that, but it's always there for you to come back to if the passion ever strikes you again.
So... what is it that I do? Nothing, actually; I simply lack motivation to do... anything.
Yeah motivation is a limited supply, despite what some might tell you, but that doesn't mean you can't ever replenish it. You just need to find something or someone that will give you that "push", so to speak. Or you have to find out what in your everyday life is draining your motivation and see how you can stop it.
I've realized that I'm only creative when I have friends to collaborate with and become inspired from. If I am dependent on others for motivation, then I cannot say that my work is my own doing.
All creativity needs inspiration to work off from. Having muses doesn't detract from your merits as an artist. It's still your vision even when you consider the input of others because you get to say how that input impacts your work.
In essence, I am nothing. In a way, that's good; it's like a fresh new start and I'm free to be what I want. But it also makes me feel... lost... empty... meaningless.
No one's ever nothing, we might feel that way about ourselves but we still have a place in this world and the ability to make an impact.
And you're right it can be a good thing. You're not going to be lost forever, you're just in a transitioning phase in you're life right now, and it's common to feel lost when you naturally change like that unexpectedly. You'll find a new path eventually, and going back to creative works is always an option if you ever get the drive back to do them.
I can get how it feels to want to be a creative person but not being able to push yourself anymore. If it's still something you want to do hopefully you'll find the inspiration to get back into it.
I've always thought that I was an imaginative and creative person; I used to draw, write stories, create or play music, animate, voice act (… morefor my own unpublished projects), 'Photoshop' images, create small (incomplete) games and make crafts. In the past year, I've gradually stopped doing all these things, but since a recent change in my life (again), I feel like I've kind of... left behind all of that. But with nothing to replace it with.
I can't really call myself a creative person if I don't create anything. So... what is it that I do? Nothing, actually; I simply lack motivation to do... anything. I've realized that I'm only creative when I have friends to collaborate with and become inspired from. If I am dependent on others for motivation, then I cannot say that my work is my own doing. In essence, I am nothing. In a way, that's good; it's like a fresh new start and I'm free to be what I want. But it also makes me feel... lost... empty... meaningless.
Would it help motivate you if you were able to show off your creative work to your fellow Telltale users? There's a thread for that! (As long as you've made at least 50 posts, which I know you have.)
I've always thought that I was an imaginative and creative person; I used to draw, write stories, create or play music, animate, voice act (… morefor my own unpublished projects), 'Photoshop' images, create small (incomplete) games and make crafts. In the past year, I've gradually stopped doing all these things, but since a recent change in my life (again), I feel like I've kind of... left behind all of that. But with nothing to replace it with.
I can't really call myself a creative person if I don't create anything. So... what is it that I do? Nothing, actually; I simply lack motivation to do... anything. I've realized that I'm only creative when I have friends to collaborate with and become inspired from. If I am dependent on others for motivation, then I cannot say that my work is my own doing. In essence, I am nothing. In a way, that's good; it's like a fresh new start and I'm free to be what I want. But it also makes me feel... lost... empty... meaningless.
Hope everyone is having a great day and everything is going good for you guys outside of these forums. I believe this is my second or third post in this discussion. My previous posts were about me discussing my depression. This is pretty much a more in depth look at my depression. But I may as well get to the point:
For a very long time I felt that I am insignificant and a burden on the people involved in my life. I live in a pretty big family that is composed of my mum and dad, my 4 sisters and my two brothers and myself. I am horrible to my two younger brothers who I love so much but constantly treat them in a terrible way. I want to be nicer to them and I try to be but I fail to do so. I then look back at it all and think of it as a missed opportunity to try to help develop my two brothers into people much better than me.
I think some of you guys may recognise me on these forums especially from The Walking Dead Discussions. Some may even know me from Discord. But as you all know I have a terrible temper and honestly I am quite a horrible person. I do not try to be horrible but it happens and it saddens me that it happens as frequently as it does.
I don't feel as if I have any friends as I am quite unsociable. I get very nervous when meeting new people or being in large groups. I hide away in my bedroom and watch YouTube videos and think about Walking Dead in order to try to fill the void within me. I feel very lonely and that I can't help but feel that my temper and who I am is to blame for that. I constantly encourage people on these forums to remain positive yet I am the one who is not positive at all. I feel that I am a stain on the world. That I am destined to remain alone and to be horrible to people. I have been told that I am a nice, caring person that puts other people first but honestly I think that is the image of me that I want to be portrayed rather than it actually being the case.
I am quite an obsessive/clingy person that always thinks of other people who matter to me or who I view in a positive light. I want them to notice me and I want to be more like them because being me is not good. They have friends, items, popularity. They have everything that I want to have and they are everything that I want to be.
Would it help motivate you if you were able to show off your creative work to your fellow Telltale users? There's a thread for that! (As long as you've made at least 50 posts, which I know you have.)
I don't want to give hollowed reassurances like "you're not a horrible person" because I don't know you personally, but I don't believe a truly horrible person would have the introspection necessary to be so open with their faults. Too many people in this world carelessly abuse and take advantage of those who love them without ever feeling guilty for their actions. True stains don't have the self awareness to realize what they are, so for just having the courage to admit your faults here, I don't believe you to be one.
We're not born with the wisdom to handle our relationships maturely, we have to learn that through the consequences of our mistakes. Introspection is key in building healthy relationships, and you can't know where to build onto if you're not aware of the cracks in the infrastructure, but you do, so you're on the right path. You will fail in the future, we all will, but that doesn't mean you're unworthy of success. It just means you have more to learn before you can reach it.
Is being kind something that is important to you? If yes then it's not a mask, you just don't feel like you live up to that title and don't deserve it. You don't have to be kind to everyone you meet all the time to be considered a kind person. Not everyone deserves the luxury of your kindness. You can choose who has earned it without being a terrible person. Altruism is a precious skill that we can never have enough of. If it's important to you I hope you'll continue to practice it.
Hope everyone is having a great day and everything is going good for you guys outside of these forums. I believe this is my second or third … morepost in this discussion. My previous posts were about me discussing my depression. This is pretty much a more in depth look at my depression. But I may as well get to the point:
For a very long time I felt that I am insignificant and a burden on the people involved in my life. I live in a pretty big family that is composed of my mum and dad, my 4 sisters and my two brothers and myself. I am horrible to my two younger brothers who I love so much but constantly treat them in a terrible way. I want to be nicer to them and I try to be but I fail to do so. I then look back at it all and think of it as a missed opportunity to try to help develop my two brothers into people much better than me.
I think some of you guys may recognise me on these forums especially from The Walking Dead Discussions. Some may e… [view original content]
I appreciate the response and the advice that you have given to me.
I enjoy trying to be nice to people as I want to be remembered as someone who cared about others. Not everyone acknowledges it but putting a smile on people's faces also puts a smile on mine.
I know I am still young but I feel that at this point in my life that I should know better in how I speak to people especially those who are close to me. I try really hard to improve on this but I am unable to do it.
Another issue with me is that I am unable to take any form of criticism of my actions/choices. How am I supposed to learn and improve if hearing a family member or a friend criticising me makes me angry and makes me dwell on it? I want to work on my flaws and become better but hearing the slightest amount of criticism directed towards me causes me to flip out and blow stuff out of proportion.
I am also a very jealous person who lacks a social life. I just sit in my room and see pictures of people who I care about out with friends having a great time wishing that I was there. There are numerous people around my age who have girlfriends and they go out and have fun at discos and concerts. I want to do the same although I get very nervous when I am around people. I feel under pressure and I try to be funny in an attempt to fit in with the crowd but I just make myself look stupid.
I go to counselling for my depression and I have mentioned all of this to my counsellor in an attempt to be given advice and help but I don't feel that I am capable enough to do the instructions that my counsellor gave to me. I feel weak and unable to do anything
I don't want to give hollowed reassurances like "you're not a horrible person" because I don't know you personally, but I don't believe a tr… moreuly horrible person would have the introspection necessary to be so open with their faults. Too many people in this world carelessly abuse and take advantage of those who love them without ever feeling guilty for their actions. True stains don't have the self awareness to realize what they are, so for just having the courage to admit your faults here, I don't believe you to be one.
We're not born with the wisdom to handle our relationships maturely, we have to learn that through the consequences of our mistakes. Introspection is key in building healthy relationships, and you can't know where to build onto if you're not aware of the cracks in the infrastructure, but you do, so you're on the right path. You will fail in the future, we all will, but that doesn't mean you're unworthy of success. It just me… [view original content]
I hate when that part of my mind tells me I have to play the cards right; to disregard how I feel just because it will only harm me in the long game. It's a frustrating mix of not wanting to be disingenuous with my emotions and realizing that it irritatingly has a point.
The oldest aesop in the book is "be yourself", and it really is a sweet moral, but in reality a game doesn't care who you are, and especially not why you are. To it, you're just jersey #24 or just another mindless soldier to be riddled with bullets and respawned. It doesn't tailor to who you are as a person unless it was specifically designed or altered for the sake of your success. Unless victory is readily handed to you, a game demands you to cast out of the spotlight the parts of you that are unnecessary or even detrimental to your odds at victory and give focus to the ones the game favors.
When you enter a game, you conform to the identity and role it places you in. To achieve victory you must be willing to accept that the only parts of you that matter as you play are the ones that the game requires as part of the rules. You are expected to invest your time and energy into honing the skills that help turn the tide in your favor or else fail. You must either already have the right skills in place to succeed when you enter or grow into the identity it gives you.
The point I want to get to is: games (and the people behind them) don't always let us decide if we want to play. Governments, religion, and just authority figures in general want to use their power and influence to coerce everyone into agreeing that our world plays by the rules they created. We're pushed into games everyday: school, work, relationships, etc. All of them expect us to mold how we act, think and present ourselves in order to ensure our success in them. It seems to me (at least based on my own experience) that the reason we play these games isn't because they're always fun (though they can be), but because of that dream that once we reach the top we would finally have earned the right to mold ourselves the way we want to; to finally be able to "be ourselves" with no chains attached.
These games aren't always a bad thing, of course. Life wouldn't be as fun without contests. It just irritates me when trying to be who I want to be gets in the way of what the "games" want. I don't know, I'll probably get people disagreeing with me but I just felt like venting here. Take care
I enjoy trying to be nice to people as I want to be remembered as someone who cared about others. Not everyone acknowledges it but putting a smile on people's faces also puts a smile on mine.
Is it you feel like you only care about the warmth you feel when you're nice to people? I know how that feels. I think that feeling is just the start ofhow you grow into being a nice person. It becomes like a habit the more you do nice things for people. You still feel good for doing them but you begin to understand that kindness is a skill you need to practice. We're naturally inclined to think of ourselves over others for survival's sake. You're not a bad person for making mistakes just trying to be a caring person is progress towards that path.
I know I am still young but I feel that at this point in my life that I should know better in how I speak to people especially those who are close to me. I try really hard to improve on this but I am unable to do it.
Have you ever heard of something called the self fulfilling prophecy? It's a phenomenon in psychology. It's called that because what we tell ourselves about who we are can actually influence our behavior, which then causes other people to reaffirm how we feel about ourselves, so we kinda fulfill what we tell ourselves will happen.
Another issue with me is that I am unable to take any form of criticism of my actions/choices. How am I supposed to learn and improve if hearing a family member or a friend criticising me makes me angry and makes me dwell on it? I want to work on my flaws and become better but hearing the slightest amount of criticism directed towards me causes me to flip out and blow stuff out of proportion.
There's a difference between criticism and disrespect. You don't have to tolerate disrespect but like I said before kindness is a skill. Not everyone is capable of expressing their criticism reasonably. I'm not qualified to teach anger management but just remember that the people who criticize you aren't necessarily against you, they just don't condone how you're behaving.
I go to counselling for my depression and I have mentioned all of this to my counsellor in an attempt to be given advice and help but I don't feel that I am capable enough to do the instructions that my counsellor gave to me. I feel weak and unable to do anything
Remember the self fulfilling prophecy. If you believe yourself to be weak you possibly could internalize that and be less motivated to make those improvements. I'm not certified so I don't want to get to deep into it but I think looking into ways to break the prophecy cycle is a good place to start
I appreciate the response and the advice that you have given to me.
I enjoy trying to be nice to people as I want to be remembered as som… moreeone who cared about others. Not everyone acknowledges it but putting a smile on people's faces also puts a smile on mine.
I know I am still young but I feel that at this point in my life that I should know better in how I speak to people especially those who are close to me. I try really hard to improve on this but I am unable to do it.
Another issue with me is that I am unable to take any form of criticism of my actions/choices. How am I supposed to learn and improve if hearing a family member or a friend criticising me makes me angry and makes me dwell on it? I want to work on my flaws and become better but hearing the slightest amount of criticism directed towards me causes me to flip out and blow stuff out of proportion.
I am also a very jealous person who lacks a social life. I just sit in … [view original content]
Don't worry about looking stupid at concerts. I think the entire point of concerts is to go and look stupid. Likewise, at dances, even if you're really, really, really bad at dancing, as long as you look like you're having a great time, people won't judge you for that.
People actually judge you less than you think in general. That means you don't have to put a huge amount of effort into defending yourself, even when you know you're right and they're wrong. You see arguments all the time on TV, because it's interesting to watch, but it's usually counterproductive in real relationships.
As an experiment, next time someone criticizes you, respond with "Sorry, I'll try to do better," and see what happens.
I appreciate the response and the advice that you have given to me.
I enjoy trying to be nice to people as I want to be remembered as som… moreeone who cared about others. Not everyone acknowledges it but putting a smile on people's faces also puts a smile on mine.
I know I am still young but I feel that at this point in my life that I should know better in how I speak to people especially those who are close to me. I try really hard to improve on this but I am unable to do it.
Another issue with me is that I am unable to take any form of criticism of my actions/choices. How am I supposed to learn and improve if hearing a family member or a friend criticising me makes me angry and makes me dwell on it? I want to work on my flaws and become better but hearing the slightest amount of criticism directed towards me causes me to flip out and blow stuff out of proportion.
I am also a very jealous person who lacks a social life. I just sit in … [view original content]
Hey guys! I'm just stopping by again to say if I ever give advice that doesn't sound right or makes you feel inadvertently worse please don't hesitate to let me know. I want to try to help out more in this thread but I don't want my own problems or bouts of naivete to dilute that. I'll appreciate any criticism as long as it's given respectfully. Thanks and I hope you guys find the answers you need
Comments
Stay away from caffeine and vitamin B6 before bedtime.
Tbh (and feel free to correct me) I get heavy idealistic vibes from a good chunk of the regulars in this thread as I read the posts in here (and to a much lesser extent the rest of these forums.) I love it. It makes for a pleasant atmosphere and an effective support group when the people want to realize the best in each other.
I just want to say if you do identify as an idealist... and I wish I could've told myself this when I was younger, that you're not a bad person for choosing your own enemies. Your ideals are not self-evident, and if you pass up your chance to impose them onto the world, thinking that they will prove themself in time, they will only shrivel with you. You deserve more than that. You're visions of how humanity should be don't have to be just a dream. The world wants to break your idealism because the system has already been refined in the way they see fit. They've already made their conclusions on how the world should work in accordance to their will. Your dreams don't fit in with that picture, so they'll cast them as flawed because they've already established in their own doctrine that their reason is impenetrable. If their system was truly fine just the way it is you wouldn't be in this state of disaffection in the first place. So break it, in any way your power allows. Crush anyone who insists that you're wrong without adequately proving it to you. Don't let anyone intentionallly tower their worldview over you and what you think is right. Your ideals are above all, and if someone gets it through to you with solid reasoning that your mindset is flawed, take note of what they have to say, but never let anyone convince that how you think the world should be is wrong purely because they flaunt their power over you.
I don't mean to say "be brutish" with your beliefs. I've just seen too many idealists stay down after being pummeled because they thought standing up to those who sought to destroy them would make them lose sight of who they are, and I don't want that to happen to you guys
Take care all of you
Hey guys I feel like dropping this here so here you go ?
I think, the worst thing a parent can do to their child, outside of physically or neglectfully hurting them, is teaching them that anger in and of itself is unhealthy and unjustified. It's cliche but true: anger is a flame that burns when our minds unleashes a spark in response to our standards being crossed. Much like we can't tell our hearts to stop beating, we cannot force ourselves to stop that spark from occurring, we can only do what we can to curb the aftermath. Our brains may be complex, but they're still only electronics. Like how a lamp cannot use free will to turn itself off when it feels it's light is an inconvience, we can not will ourself to turn alter our emotions unless protocols have been hardwired into us to do so, but even then that basic emotional programming doesn't leave us it's just being rerouted, whether through healthy means or otherwise.
And hey, fire is one of the most potent tools at humanity's disposal; some things need to be burned to improve our standards of living. Engines need to burn gasoline, much like our passion needs to be set aflame to kick us into action. It's only when the flames grow out of our control is when it becomes a problem, but even then we're not wicked people for letting it get to that point, even if we convince ourselves that we're doing it intentionally. We just haven't been taught how to handle fire effectively and for the right purposes. It's a skill that needs to be learned, not an inherent test of character. We need more mentors that are willing to teach us that anger has a place in our society and are capable of showing us how to possess that flame constructively. Denying your children or students that basic human right only leaves them unprepared or unrefined for the battles they will inevitably face.
What I want to say is, never feel like you're in the wrong for resorting to anger to solve your problems, only be sure to use it responsibly and intelligently to the best of your ability.
I just want to say that I admire everyone who has had the courage to lay out what's troubling their minds on this thread just as much as those willing to help them out. A lot of the times when I'd stop by here (or anywhere on the internet where people confess these kinds of things) and read some of the problems that have left you guys feeling resentful or insecure I'd think to myself "Damn, I wish I had the guts to share something like that."
I feel that many people are taught to put up a barrier against what they believe to be weaknesses and unpleasant truths in their lives, rather than trying to tackle them head on. I'm guilty of that too. Having grown up being taught that cleaning up meant shoving all the mess around the house into the closet when someone came over, I was lead to believe that the outsider's view of your house was all that mattered. Only when you believe that your house will soon fall apart in the next few days, and if you mind living your life as a lie you'll soon feel frustrated at yourself for it. You've never been taught the true value of cleanliness, only the appearance of it.
It's encouraging to see others be so open with the messes in their lives in the hopes of getting tips on how to clean them just as much as it is seeing the ones giving advice with it be so constructive and caring rather than resorting to biting judgements just to drive it in their head that they're wrong. You guys are great, I hope to see more of you give what's on your mind here, but if you don't want to that's fine. It's your life, only share when you feel comfortable doing so ?
How can I get rid of this huge fear of losing the person closest to me?
As some of you may know, I've recently started dating one of my best friends. But as with most things in my life, although it is good and has been going so well, my mind is constantly so focused on all the negatives (about me, not her) that I'm having trouble feeling free and enjoying myself.
I can't help but have this huge underlying fear that I'm gonna lose her -- or more accurately: she's gonna find someone else a little smarter, kinder, richer, more handsome than I am. Or that if I can't satisfy her, she'll find someone who can.
I know this fear comes from my insecurities that I dont feel good enough for her. And I know if I dont find a way to deal with it it will destroy our relationship.
She has many straight male friends that are much funnier and better looking than I am and have more common interests with her than I do. And I wonder why she chose me over them. And it makes me think that if she wanted something I couldn't give her, that she has many people she could go get it from. One of them in particular has a history of sexual interest in her, and she knows it.
Maybe I'm just on edge because I actually dreamt last night that she was cheated on me. She was remorseful in my dream because she wanted to 'be with me forever' but I was so angry. Angry that she did that to me. Angry that we were meant to be together forever but she went and destroyed my trust and I could never trust her again. I was yelling at her and she was so upset, but I didn't care. In real life though, we've never actually argued yet.
The only thing worse than losing someone, is losing them to someone else. Someone better than you. I feel like that moment is inevitable, and I'm only delaying it. In my heart, it feels as though it's already dying, but in reality things have only gotten better.
I dunno. I've been trying to figure out where the main insecurity lies. We haven't actually had many 'intimate' moments and haven't really 'done it' properly, mainly due to the fact that its all new territory for me and I want to take it slow. But she's mentioned how frustrating it is for her, and I worry that she'll try to get what she wants from someone else because I'm taking too long. The fact that my body refuses to cooperate most the time makes it really difficult.
Ugh, I dont know. My heart hurts and I dont know why. Its like the ache from my dream I've long woken up from still remains. I just want to be happy and enjoy what should be an exciting time, but my fucking sadistic and drama-craving mind has to make things difficult for me.
People love each other for who they are. That's why it's important to be yourself, communicate, and trust. As long as you haven't been pretending to be someone else, she probably won't leave just 'cause some other guy seems to be a "better deal," unless you drive her away.
It sounds like she wants to move faster than you do, which is probably embarrassing because it's "supposed" to be the guy pressuring the girl to move faster. Don't worry about what things are supposed to be, just what's right for the two of you. As long as you're both OK with the same eventual goal, make plans to take steps so that you're making some progress, just not so fast that you wind up in an anxiety attack. If you're on your way to where you both want to go, she'll see and respect that, and you'll feel more secure in your relationship.
True love is about finding someone who sees you as more than the sum of your parts. You'll never be the smartest, or the richest, or the handsomest or the kindest person in the world and most likely not even in your community, and practically everyone won't. No one can excel at one of those things without falling short in some other department. But that's okay, because dating doesn't mean being the ultimate man. It's finding the right girl who complements your character and vice versa. If that spark between you two fades away then it just means that both of you both have changed as people, either in each other's eyes or in general, and the pieces just don't mesh anymore. That's not either of your guys' fault, and you're not automatically the "weaker man" just because she found that it clicks with someone else.
I'm not against putting your SO on a pedestal but even so she's not the ultimate judge of character, not even in your life. She's flawed (maybe even secretly insecure about it like you are) and has her own preferences when it comes to guys like any other woman. That doesn't mean she shouldn't hold special value in your life but it does mean that what she looks for in a guy shouldn't define who you are. Be who you want to be first, and the right girl will follow.
And that doesn't mean that the quality of your character doesn't play a role in whether she stays with you, but quality is subjective. What she might disapprove of in you another girl could be awed over. What is important is having confidence in what you can bring to the table. Even when you admit your flaws (which can be a healthy thing in a relationship) you have to show that you see yourself as worthy of being in her life, at least before you manage to get her "hooked" on who you are, so to speak.
Does all that make sense to you? It's okay if it doesn't, I won't mind. I really hope that this relationship turns out well for you despite the qualms you have over it's future. Although if it doesn't turn well its not the end of the world for you, though its natural to feel that way when it doesn't work out. I'm certain you'll find the right girl soon enough if she doesn't turn out to be the one
I know I didn't get to your worries of her possibly cheating, and that's because its understandable that you'd feel that way. We can all say "oh if she cheats drop her immediately she ain't worth your time" but obviously that's easier said than done. We don't love her like you do, so what would be the objective thing to do is going to be hard to swallow, and its not wrong to feel that way when it comes to the people you love.
My advice would be that as her boyfriend it is your duty to always see the best in her until the proof of her guilt is undeniable. If you can't see what's special in her anymore, or if the baggage has become too much, that doesn't make you a bad person or a bad boyfriend. It's just your gut telling you it's time to move on.
Cheating is simply a moment of weakness that comes when you deny that intuition and try to have your cake and eat it. Doing it doesn't make someone a wicked person, it just shows that they're insecure with their feelings towards the people they're attracted to. It's not dishonorable for you to get cheated on, it's just that if it did happen to you your GF didn't have the heart, want or care to break things completely with you before seeking other people. Don't take it as an insult to your character.
For the sake of your relationship I hope you'll be able to look past these anxieties and become convinced that her love for you is unwavering, but if you're absolutely certain that it isn't then listen to what your mind is telling you. You know her the best out of anyone in this community so you're the most qualified to determine what are the right calls for your relationship. I hope it turns out well for you
Its not that she's untrustworthy or that there's been signs, its just that my mind says "Well, you're not [insert personal flaw] or [flaw 2] enough, she deserves better, so it makes sense that she's gonna want it from someone else" and I think "well, you're right."
I do love her so much, I just hope I can get past these insecurities so I can be the truest me and enjoy myself in the relationship.
But thanks for all your advice. What you said does make sense to me.
"Yeah well you're a part of me, you only get to tell that shade of the "truth" because I let you. Now you better shut the hell up and stop trying to sabotage my relationship or I'm going to throw you back in the trash bin at the corner of my mind where you belong"
"...ok"
I'm kidding (I know its not that easy) but yeah the weaknesses aren't the problem, it's the magnifying glass you put over them. I've done this too. You've earned her heart already, now all you have to do is run as far as you can with it. Put what you feel is your best man out there. Don't stop to think of what you think are your weaknesses and failures unless you have a solution to remedy them. You got this, your faults be damned. You'll make it home, and if you don't you'll have plenty more games to play with the practice you learned from this one.
I'm sure you'll be able to overcome these insecurities eventually. It won't happen overnight of course but any progress is a good thing. Good luck to you
Yeah, you're right.
Thank you.
Have you ever had that one person you thought so highly of, you thought better of them than you thought of yourself?
Definetly. All the people I care most about I'd put their lives above mine.
I'm not really a people's person. I dont like many people, but the few I do like, I'd do anything for.
The few people I love, I believe in more than anything, and I honestly believe I'd do anything for them. Yes, even killing someone. Multiple people if it meant ensuring their safety or happiness. Because frankly, I dont care about the other people. Most people dont deserve what they have, and I believe the people I love do deserve what the world has to offer.
If you're not an egomaniac or a misanthrope there's always going to be someone like that in your life. If you're willing to dismiss your ego to accept that some of those in your personal life have a better outlook or personality than you then it shows that you're a good person who acknowledges that you still have much to learn from those close to you, not that you're weak. As long as you don't believe yourself to be the hopeless bottom of the barrel among your social group it's healthy to feel that way
Part of loving someone is being able to let them go when being tied to you will cause them to suffer, right?
But what if they don't want to go even when its in their best interest to leave? If they are only staying in a damaging situation because leaving it would mean moving far from you and potentially losing you? Should it be up to you to make the bigger choice for their sake, or let them choose to remain in a dangerous place?
Who are you to say what their best interest is? If they are fully informed and choose to stay, even knowing they may suffer in the end, that's their choice to make.
Now that I've said that, here are a couple of exceptions:
Another part of loving someone is staying by their side no matter what happens. Even if they try to tell you you're better off without them you still stay because you can still see that spark in them from when you first met even if they can't see it themself.
I don't feel like there's enough context to the scenario to be able to give much in the way of insight. Why would they be suffering around you? Are you abusive and can't see yourself changing? Are you constantly depressed and feel like you're bringing down the mood? What's causing you to believe you're only damaging them by staying? Why can't they make the decision to cut ties themselves? Are they really in danger of being harmed or is your reality just being distorted?
We all have hurt the people we love at some point. It's not something we plan to do, it just happens because of miscommunication or our differing ideals getting in the way. It doesn't make us bad people undeserving of love, we're just always still learning how to be better people, that's all.
I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and say that her suffering is from financial/career based loss. In that case, I would let her go in a heartbeat. For one, a girl with those types of problems would be way above my dating level. And I'd rather see them find success than for me to find benefit in our relationship. Fuck my needs.
Reminds me of a line from Hamilton (love that musical lol)
"Will you relish being a poor man's wife? Unable to provide for your life..."
"I relish being your wife."
If she's aware of your financial troubles (and she should be) and still decides to stay then she has chosen her best interests. Cutting ties with her because of it shows little faith in her ability to make her own decisions. She chose you, so she doesn't care what your idea of dating level is cause she already saw a light in you that is worth chasing after. Is snuffing it out for her sake really less harmful to her than revealing your flaws and letting her come to her own conclusions? Is breaking the bridge yourself just so the weight of the baggage doesn't do it first really the right call?
In order for it to be a pleasant experience, both people should feel totally ready for it. And at the end of the day, no one's gonna die if they have to wait.
Even if feelings seem irrational, there's usually a good reason for them; a lot of the times it's hidden and completely different to what would be expected.
Why don't you feel like you're good enough for her?
Feelings never need to be rational. How we act on them does, but to question the logic behind how we feel is to question human nature itself. We can't control them and we aren't behind the inner workings behind them. We have to respect how everyone feels even if we don't respect how they act, no matter how out there their feelings seem.
But yeah always remember to take the time to reflect on and question why you're feeling the way you are. The more you understand yourself, the easier it is to understand others.
Ding Ding Ding!
Maybe, maybe not. If you're the one to break it off, she could be set down a very satisfying path and maybe she finds someone else that makes her even happier, and thanks you for setting her on that path. ( ._.)... Other people may take it differently on a personal level and it wrecks them for a long time, ruining their chances outside the relationship anyways. So many 'what if's' that it can be very hard to predict.
It took a shot in the dark for you to fall into each other's arms and now another shot has to be made to decide where it goes from there, and all you can do is pray for it to go well.
It still doesn't seem like a lot of trust is being put into her ability to make her own decisions. She chose to be in a relationship with you, so rn she does feel like you're worth staying with even if you think there's better things out there. The only thing that's guaranteed from you breaking things off is that you'll leave her disappointed and heartbroken if her love for you was real.
Do these 'what ifs' have more credibility than the love the two have for each other. If yes then okay, you know your relationship better than I do, but is it healthier for a relationship for you to focus more on it's insecurities rather than the love itself?
She saw a light in the darkness that was worth the shot. No sane person shoots in the dark for no reason. It could fail, yes, and we could contemplate all the ways it could fail, but the relationship never has a chance to succeed if you quit. If you feel like it's success is not worth working towards then okay, it's your relationship, but I hope you just look at it from an objective angle before you decide it's not.
EDIT: I definitely don't mean to paint anyone as the bad guy either. I just hope anyone who is thinking of breaking up with SO thinks over how it would affect them before they do it. It could be for the best, it depends on the state of the relationship, but it's not something that should be handled lightly, if that makes sense.
Yeah, I probably shouldn't use my past experience to base these types of judgements on. Not everyone is like that. And seeing now how easy it was for my outlook to be altered by that one situation, It's... unsettling.
I take back what I said. It was probably more me expressing my frustration with what happened before than it being my actual logical opinion. I'll need more time to think about it.
No don't worry about that. I'm using past experience to give my thoughts too. You're not wrong for doing that and you might even be right that she would be better off. I like being proven wrong when it's done respectfully. Maybe I'd agree that she would be better off but there's not enough context to really give a firm "yes you should cut ties." I just believe that in general we should do everything we can to make our relationships work, but it's not up to me to decide what doing everything means in your relationship. You're the only one who gets to call the shots in it.
And yeah I've have had broken relationships that has shattered how I look at love. Hopefully something will come to you that changes your outlook for the better (if that's what you want.)
Thanks @Cocoa2736, @Psychokinesis, and @Zombiekiller3121 for your comments.
I definetly won't be ending the relationship anytime soon, she is honestly the greatest thing thats ever happened to me. It was more so guilt that to stay with me she has to deal with something else.
But thank you. You're right: part of loving someone is sticking by their side no matter what.
Wrong button
I've always thought that I was an imaginative and creative person; I used to draw, write stories, create or play music, animate, voice act (for my own unpublished projects), 'Photoshop' images, create small (incomplete) games and make crafts. In the past year, I've gradually stopped doing all these things, but since a recent change in my life (again), I feel like I've kind of... left behind all of that. But with nothing to replace it with.
I can't really call myself a creative person if I don't create anything. So... what is it that I do? Nothing, actually; I simply lack motivation to do... anything. I've realized that I'm only creative when I have friends to collaborate with and become inspired from. If I am dependent on others for motivation, then I cannot say that my work is my own doing. In essence, I am nothing. In a way, that's good; it's like a fresh new start and I'm free to be what I want. But it also makes me feel... lost... empty... meaningless.
Being a creative person doesn't mean you have to be creative all the time, it just means you have an affinity for imagination and being creative. You seem saddened that you can't seem to push yourself to be creative anymore so I think the affinity is still there.
If you feel like leaving that stuff behind is what's best for your life there's nothing wrong with that, but it's always there for you to come back to if the passion ever strikes you again.
Yeah motivation is a limited supply, despite what some might tell you, but that doesn't mean you can't ever replenish it. You just need to find something or someone that will give you that "push", so to speak. Or you have to find out what in your everyday life is draining your motivation and see how you can stop it.
All creativity needs inspiration to work off from. Having muses doesn't detract from your merits as an artist. It's still your vision even when you consider the input of others because you get to say how that input impacts your work.
No one's ever nothing, we might feel that way about ourselves but we still have a place in this world and the ability to make an impact.
And you're right it can be a good thing. You're not going to be lost forever, you're just in a transitioning phase in you're life right now, and it's common to feel lost when you naturally change like that unexpectedly. You'll find a new path eventually, and going back to creative works is always an option if you ever get the drive back to do them.
I can get how it feels to want to be a creative person but not being able to push yourself anymore. If it's still something you want to do hopefully you'll find the inspiration to get back into it.
Would it help motivate you if you were able to show off your creative work to your fellow Telltale users? There's a thread for that! (As long as you've made at least 50 posts, which I know you have.)
Hope everyone is having a great day and everything is going good for you guys outside of these forums. I believe this is my second or third post in this discussion. My previous posts were about me discussing my depression. This is pretty much a more in depth look at my depression. But I may as well get to the point:
For a very long time I felt that I am insignificant and a burden on the people involved in my life. I live in a pretty big family that is composed of my mum and dad, my 4 sisters and my two brothers and myself. I am horrible to my two younger brothers who I love so much but constantly treat them in a terrible way. I want to be nicer to them and I try to be but I fail to do so. I then look back at it all and think of it as a missed opportunity to try to help develop my two brothers into people much better than me.
I think some of you guys may recognise me on these forums especially from The Walking Dead Discussions. Some may even know me from Discord. But as you all know I have a terrible temper and honestly I am quite a horrible person. I do not try to be horrible but it happens and it saddens me that it happens as frequently as it does.
I don't feel as if I have any friends as I am quite unsociable. I get very nervous when meeting new people or being in large groups. I hide away in my bedroom and watch YouTube videos and think about Walking Dead in order to try to fill the void within me. I feel very lonely and that I can't help but feel that my temper and who I am is to blame for that. I constantly encourage people on these forums to remain positive yet I am the one who is not positive at all. I feel that I am a stain on the world. That I am destined to remain alone and to be horrible to people. I have been told that I am a nice, caring person that puts other people first but honestly I think that is the image of me that I want to be portrayed rather than it actually being the case.
I am quite an obsessive/clingy person that always thinks of other people who matter to me or who I view in a positive light. I want them to notice me and I want to be more like them because being me is not good. They have friends, items, popularity. They have everything that I want to have and they are everything that I want to be.
Introverts:
Still if you think it'd help you go for it
I don't want to give hollowed reassurances like "you're not a horrible person" because I don't know you personally, but I don't believe a truly horrible person would have the introspection necessary to be so open with their faults. Too many people in this world carelessly abuse and take advantage of those who love them without ever feeling guilty for their actions. True stains don't have the self awareness to realize what they are, so for just having the courage to admit your faults here, I don't believe you to be one.
We're not born with the wisdom to handle our relationships maturely, we have to learn that through the consequences of our mistakes. Introspection is key in building healthy relationships, and you can't know where to build onto if you're not aware of the cracks in the infrastructure, but you do, so you're on the right path. You will fail in the future, we all will, but that doesn't mean you're unworthy of success. It just means you have more to learn before you can reach it.
Is being kind something that is important to you? If yes then it's not a mask, you just don't feel like you live up to that title and don't deserve it. You don't have to be kind to everyone you meet all the time to be considered a kind person. Not everyone deserves the luxury of your kindness. You can choose who has earned it without being a terrible person. Altruism is a precious skill that we can never have enough of. If it's important to you I hope you'll continue to practice it.
I appreciate the response and the advice that you have given to me.
I enjoy trying to be nice to people as I want to be remembered as someone who cared about others. Not everyone acknowledges it but putting a smile on people's faces also puts a smile on mine.
I know I am still young but I feel that at this point in my life that I should know better in how I speak to people especially those who are close to me. I try really hard to improve on this but I am unable to do it.
Another issue with me is that I am unable to take any form of criticism of my actions/choices. How am I supposed to learn and improve if hearing a family member or a friend criticising me makes me angry and makes me dwell on it? I want to work on my flaws and become better but hearing the slightest amount of criticism directed towards me causes me to flip out and blow stuff out of proportion.
I am also a very jealous person who lacks a social life. I just sit in my room and see pictures of people who I care about out with friends having a great time wishing that I was there. There are numerous people around my age who have girlfriends and they go out and have fun at discos and concerts. I want to do the same although I get very nervous when I am around people. I feel under pressure and I try to be funny in an attempt to fit in with the crowd but I just make myself look stupid.
I go to counselling for my depression and I have mentioned all of this to my counsellor in an attempt to be given advice and help but I don't feel that I am capable enough to do the instructions that my counsellor gave to me. I feel weak and unable to do anything
I hate when that part of my mind tells me I have to play the cards right; to disregard how I feel just because it will only harm me in the long game. It's a frustrating mix of not wanting to be disingenuous with my emotions and realizing that it irritatingly has a point.
The oldest aesop in the book is "be yourself", and it really is a sweet moral, but in reality a game doesn't care who you are, and especially not why you are. To it, you're just jersey #24 or just another mindless soldier to be riddled with bullets and respawned. It doesn't tailor to who you are as a person unless it was specifically designed or altered for the sake of your success. Unless victory is readily handed to you, a game demands you to cast out of the spotlight the parts of you that are unnecessary or even detrimental to your odds at victory and give focus to the ones the game favors.
When you enter a game, you conform to the identity and role it places you in. To achieve victory you must be willing to accept that the only parts of you that matter as you play are the ones that the game requires as part of the rules. You are expected to invest your time and energy into honing the skills that help turn the tide in your favor or else fail. You must either already have the right skills in place to succeed when you enter or grow into the identity it gives you.
The point I want to get to is: games (and the people behind them) don't always let us decide if we want to play. Governments, religion, and just authority figures in general want to use their power and influence to coerce everyone into agreeing that our world plays by the rules they created. We're pushed into games everyday: school, work, relationships, etc. All of them expect us to mold how we act, think and present ourselves in order to ensure our success in them. It seems to me (at least based on my own experience) that the reason we play these games isn't because they're always fun (though they can be), but because of that dream that once we reach the top we would finally have earned the right to mold ourselves the way we want to; to finally be able to "be ourselves" with no chains attached.
These games aren't always a bad thing, of course. Life wouldn't be as fun without contests. It just irritates me when trying to be who I want to be gets in the way of what the "games" want. I don't know, I'll probably get people disagreeing with me but I just felt like venting here. Take care
Is it you feel like you only care about the warmth you feel when you're nice to people? I know how that feels. I think that feeling is just the start ofhow you grow into being a nice person. It becomes like a habit the more you do nice things for people. You still feel good for doing them but you begin to understand that kindness is a skill you need to practice. We're naturally inclined to think of ourselves over others for survival's sake. You're not a bad person for making mistakes just trying to be a caring person is progress towards that path.
Have you ever heard of something called the self fulfilling prophecy? It's a phenomenon in psychology. It's called that because what we tell ourselves about who we are can actually influence our behavior, which then causes other people to reaffirm how we feel about ourselves, so we kinda fulfill what we tell ourselves will happen.
If you want to break the cycle then this article on self fulfilling prophecies could help
There's a difference between criticism and disrespect. You don't have to tolerate disrespect but like I said before kindness is a skill. Not everyone is capable of expressing their criticism reasonably. I'm not qualified to teach anger management but just remember that the people who criticize you aren't necessarily against you, they just don't condone how you're behaving.
Remember the self fulfilling prophecy. If you believe yourself to be weak you possibly could internalize that and be less motivated to make those improvements. I'm not certified so I don't want to get to deep into it but I think looking into ways to break the prophecy cycle is a good place to start
Don't worry about looking stupid at concerts. I think the entire point of concerts is to go and look stupid.
Likewise, at dances, even if you're really, really, really bad at dancing, as long as you look like you're having a great time, people won't judge you for that.
People actually judge you less than you think in general. That means you don't have to put a huge amount of effort into defending yourself, even when you know you're right and they're wrong. You see arguments all the time on TV, because it's interesting to watch, but it's usually counterproductive in real relationships.
As an experiment, next time someone criticizes you, respond with "Sorry, I'll try to do better," and see what happens.
Hey guys! I'm just stopping by again to say if I ever give advice that doesn't sound right or makes you feel inadvertently worse please don't hesitate to let me know. I want to try to help out more in this thread but I don't want my own problems or bouts of naivete to dilute that. I'll appreciate any criticism as long as it's given respectfully. Thanks and I hope you guys find the answers you need