Tragedy and darkness are inevitable in this world, in fact it's slowly consuming it like a cancer, but if the effects of stress/depression on the body, mind and lifespan are anything to go by, the true purpose of life is found in seeking joy and light in spite of it.
Which is why I don't watch the news anymore. You're not under any obligation to put these things at the forefront of your mind.
This has been on my mind since Friday, and it hasn't gone away. The Nashville RV news has disturbed me. I'm not even near Nashville, but it … morehas me freaked out. I can't stand being in an empty room, and police sirens and ambulance sirens are freaking me out now. I can't even stand sad music, it has to be upbeat or I just don't feel good. I need serious help. I tried muting news pages on social media, I try to stay away from the news but it doesn't help.
Big explosions have a way of doing that. Ask your mom how she handled the 9/11 attacks in 2001.
One thing about now that wasn't as true in 2001: Social media sites try to determine what you've paid attention to in the past and show you more of it. This can be a big problem when you don't want to see more of it. What you can try to do is actively look for completely different things on these sites, to reset their algorithms as much as you can.
This has been on my mind since Friday, and it hasn't gone away. The Nashville RV news has disturbed me. I'm not even near Nashville, but it … morehas me freaked out. I can't stand being in an empty room, and police sirens and ambulance sirens are freaking me out now. I can't even stand sad music, it has to be upbeat or I just don't feel good. I need serious help. I tried muting news pages on social media, I try to stay away from the news but it doesn't help.
Ask your mom how she handled the 9/11 attacks in 2001.
My mother and my stepfather said I should try to distract myself from it. So, starting last night, I tried to do that. And I was feeling good, and then out of the middle of nowhere, the feeling came back.
Big explosions have a way of doing that. Ask your mom how she handled the 9/11 attacks in 2001.
One thing about now that wasn't as true … morein 2001: Social media sites try to determine what you've paid attention to in the past and show you more of it. This can be a big problem when you don't want to see more of it. What you can try to do is actively look for completely different things on these sites, to reset their algorithms as much as you can.
Eventually things will get better. Hang in there.
I'm frustrated and worried for my neighbours down south again today. I know I shouldn't be surprised by what's going on there, but I am. And it's so frustrating to watch.
Hopefully The Thing That Happens In 14 Days goes down smoothly and as safe as possible.
I understand it now. First time I was afraid of it and it drove me to a state of psychosis, but now I can see again what I saw, what I fought against thinking. I don't need to be afraid anymore. This is all I will say.
Anyone got any tips for a good work ethic, and pushing yourself to start something that seems way too daunting?
This has always been a major problem for me, tonight's no exception.
I've got some final analysis work due on Saturday (for a script), and I've only done like 15% of it already (when I should be a lot further into the process).
My therapist has recommended that I break down work needed into easy-to-read points, which I've done. It's also recommended that i take it slowly, adjusting my goalposts to make it easier for myself to stay focused and engaged with it. (like, 10 minutes of work, 10 minutes break, etc.) It's kind of helped, but I'm terrible at keeping myself in check.
Theoretical/Written work has always been a struggle for me to do. I'm all about stuff that gets me engaged by doing, if you know what I mean. This stuff usually gets left until the last minute, and unsurprisingly I've done it again.
On a sidenote that I am both proud and ashamed of: Art.
I sat down earlier today to crack down and get some of this research down, but my mind quickly drifted elsewhere and I fell back to my usual avoidance tactics of doing literally anything else to keep from getting stressed.
I finally got some work done at 10pm after i drew this:
And i enjoyed every minute it took to draw that.
But why...? Why do i enjoy drawing so much, even doing it when i have more pressing things to do, even when i was wasting my time by vent-drawing it in the first place?
It's silly expecting an internet forum to help me with this, I know. I guess i really just need to vent.
It sounds like your therapist has the right idea. You could even put together a checklist so you could give each piece a satisfying check when complete. But if it's due tomorrow, it's going to be panic to the rescue again.
My Production Design class is probably the worst class I've ever taken in the two years that I've been in college so far. I'm just fucking done at this point.
Guy assigns asinine amounts of work and then takes literal months to grade it so you don't even know how well you're doing in the class for most of the semester. Straight up, there's some stuff from February that he hasn't graded yet. And the few things he has gotten around to grading, he just leaves these passive aggressive comments criticizing you for not improving throughout the course of the class. Like, how do you expect any of your students to improve when they don't even know what they need to improve on? That's on you, man.
I have very little incentive to get shit done in this class anymore because he's just gonna take ten years to get back to me anyway. I'm just over it at this point. There's only a couple more weeks left in the semester, so whatever.
This is a big one. Both emotionally and through what I'm about to share.
You know how I was riding high last week after making it through my third semester in this Acting program?
Well say goodbye to that dream. Or at least that path in life.
I’m being kicked out of the program.
Yeah, this is shocking, but it’s also unsurprising, worrying and relieving, among various other reactions that come to mind. I don’t know how to deal with this at the moment, other than go through my thoughts in writing, in how to break this to friends, family and classmates.
I've edited this a tiny bit to remove specific people or school's names.
Shocked.
This does come as a surprise. I thought I did well, or at the least, well enough this semester. I handed in all my projects. Some, yes, were a day or two late. I got great marks on my theatre history and business tests and projects. I put on an awesome performance, had all my lines memorized for a 3-hour performance of 17th century text.
Yes, I didn’t get through this semester as smooth as I thought I would, but I recognise where I went wrong and I had a plan and resources to use that I would put forward in Semester 4. Start projects earlier. Break it down into manageable chunks. Work with consistent breaks. That worked so far with help from [my therapist]
But I guess that’s not happening now.
Un-surprised.
At the same time, I’m not surprised. My work ethic for most of the term has not been good. And especially when it comes to acting, it does not mix well.
The tasks proved very daunting, requiring research, writing, lots of work and planning. This stuff is very long and hard to do. So I avoid it. I avoid it until the last few days where stress pushes me over the edge and I get that shit done. And I do.
But that’s not how acting works, and that’s not how these things are graded. It’s a process that you build up bit by bit, and not hand in in one lump sum at the last minute.
Yes, I had my scenes memorized in the last 4 weeks of Period Study, but I should have had them memorized a week earlier, or more than that.
This is the second semester in a row where I got a GPA of under 3.0, so because I didn't improve, that's how the cookie crumbles
I know that I put myself in this corner and I didn’t do enough to get out of it. My hubris made me think everything was going to turn out okay. But that’s hubris for you.
Worried.
Now that this is over, where do I go from here?
The program heads were quick to reassure me that this was not the end. That maybe it’s the program’s specific, intensive form of training that is so hard to adapt to. Maybe I’d work better at [other college] or [other university]. Maybe I could go it alone. I don’t need these guys at my school to succeed, but the training helps.
It could be that Theatre isn’t the acting format for me, but Media acting instead. [the program head] pointed out that a scene-by-scene way of studying and performing might be better for me than a 2-hour full performance.
Regardless, we had an upcoming TV/Film course coming up in Semester 4 and a Children's Show that was supposed to be performed and I was really looking forward to both of them. God damn it.
This is all still very fresh so I’m still figuring out how I feel about all this.
Relieved.
I admit that I’ve been mulling over quitting the program this semester. With Covid protocols separating the class into two and with all the at home learning disconnecting me from the process, it’s been hard to deal with.
The fact that I haven’t clicked with this work load, amount and variety of these classes has made me hesitant in continuing in this program. Maybe I’m not fit for this type of training. Maybe I need to look elsewhere, go it alone, or give up?
There’s also some hobbies I’ve tried or wanted to develop recently that I feel school work and school stress has kept me from doing. Stuff that I greatly enjoyed more than the process and work I was putting into school instead. Such as a bunch of art that I haven't shared here, but it's on a different site. It's all chicken-related, yeah yeah, I stick to what I know, but seeing it improve and being able to create that on my own terms and actually not be disgusted by it is awesome. Being proud of myself is awesome.
Regardless of my thoughts on all this, this is NOT how I wanted to go out, as I had made it through half of the program already, but I figured I’d keep going for the sake of the process, or at least until I was kicked out.
It seems that decision was made for me, after all.
I really hope I stay connected with some of the people from this program, because they're fucking amazing people that are super supportive, talented, and I really enjoy being around them.
I'm just so frustrated right now, that I've sabotaged myself to reach this point. Despite all the anxiety and nerves that come with it, I love acting. I love putting on another person's shoes, sharing a story that touches someone else. That rush you get when in a scene with someone else, or after a show, knowing what you nailed and didn't nail... that's really awesome!
But... shit. This is really disheartening. I don't think I've processed everything just yet, either. I had a little cry, but this program has been in my dreams for years! I should be sobbing into a pillow!
I haven't yet broken this to my parents, which I'll do later tonight after dinner. Wish me luck.
It sounds like you have some life decisions to make. Maybe you were in love with the concept of acting but not what really goes on behind the scenes to put on a production. Are there other paths you could take that would still have some of the things you love without so many of those things that made you want to put the whole thing off?
This is a big one. Both emotionally and through what I'm about to share.
You know how I was riding high last week after making it through… more my third semester in this Acting program?
Well say goodbye to that dream. Or at least that path in life.
I’m being kicked out of the program.
Yeah, this is shocking, but it’s also unsurprising, worrying and relieving, among various other reactions that come to mind. I don’t know how to deal with this at the moment, other than go through my thoughts in writing, in how to break this to friends, family and classmates.
I've edited this a tiny bit to remove specific people or school's names.
* Shocked.
This does come as a surprise. I thought I did well, or at the least, well enough this semester. I handed in all my projects. Some, yes, were a day or two late. I got great marks on my theatre history and business tests and projects. I put on an awesome performance, had all my lines memorized fo… [view original content]
Hey, I'm sorry that the program did not work out for you, I knew how much it meant to you just by reading how you spoke about it, they may have been words on a screen, but I could feel the passion radiating behind your words.
You did what you could, you took heed in the advice of your therapist, you broke down each task into bite sized segments so to manage your workload, you did great there I'm sure, as your results according to you have been good.
You mentioned work ethic before, and to touch on it briefly, it takes me a bit to get going, but when I do I am flying. I suspect you are the same, you are well capable and your results show, you know that, but it's getting the engine going so you can drive that's the problem. It's normal. What I suggest that could improve it in the future is meditation, to drift off, relax, and eventually land back into your chair or bed with a relaxed mind that's ready to work. We're all going down a road of self-improvement, and it takes times like these to see what needs to be improved, you are one step closer to that improvement as you are aware of what you need to improve on.
I think for a few days, it could be beneficial for you to spend time reflecting, don't focus on the bad exclusively, acknowledge it but please don't allow it to consume you, the course has provided you with so much skill and experience, so weighing up what the future holds for you with your skillset. Speaking to your parents and your friends could allow you to find out a path that could be taken, be it through media, through attending a different college or university, but right now, I personally think you need to allow yourself time to look back so you can look forward.
I understand how you feel in terms of relief, the workload just sounded like it was too much, and it isn't fair to subject yourself to that if you don't feel you can keep up, you need to work at a comfortable pace, and at times that pace will increase but there's a critical point. Don't feel as though it's your fault though, it's not, you had no control over the amount of work.
Now could be a good time to get into those hobbies you wanted to explore, this hasn't been easy, and I don't mean this in a bad way, I really don't, but you need to unwind, and let yourself be yourself. If it's through art, go for it, work on a couple of projects, in that state of concentration, you can determine your next move, and work and think at your own pace. Be proud of what you do, and be proud of who you are.
Keep in contact with your friends, if things ease up, see about meeting up and kicking back with them. Your frustration is normal, anyone else in your shoes would be too, but when a door closes, another opens, maybe the course was right for you, but the setting wasn't, an opportunity will present itself down the line, but for now, I think time should be taken to process what happened, and to unwind through your passions.
I wish you luck in speaking to your parents, they may be shocked, but they should understand it just didn't work out, it just wasn't meant to be, though it doesn't mean that career isn't meant for you, the conditions or the timing may not have been right, with the past year, everyone has had a tough time with working, so you aren't alone.
I'm sorry if my response isn't helpful, or uplifting, but I want to offer you this, my DM's are open if you want to talk more about it, I'd be honored to listen, but thank you for sharing what you've already shared and I'm sorry for the long message. I wish you nothing but the very best man, you will go places, you will succeed.
This is a big one. Both emotionally and through what I'm about to share.
You know how I was riding high last week after making it through… more my third semester in this Acting program?
Well say goodbye to that dream. Or at least that path in life.
I’m being kicked out of the program.
Yeah, this is shocking, but it’s also unsurprising, worrying and relieving, among various other reactions that come to mind. I don’t know how to deal with this at the moment, other than go through my thoughts in writing, in how to break this to friends, family and classmates.
I've edited this a tiny bit to remove specific people or school's names.
* Shocked.
This does come as a surprise. I thought I did well, or at the least, well enough this semester. I handed in all my projects. Some, yes, were a day or two late. I got great marks on my theatre history and business tests and projects. I put on an awesome performance, had all my lines memorized fo… [view original content]
Sorry to hear that man. I'm not sure if I read it correctly, but is there really nothing you can do, did they really just instruct you to go somewhere else? If you can, I'd try and do something for them to give you another chance, being kicked out without warning is pretty shitty.
Also, I can imagine remote acting has to be incredibly not very fun or a good way to learn to act.
This is a big one. Both emotionally and through what I'm about to share.
You know how I was riding high last week after making it through… more my third semester in this Acting program?
Well say goodbye to that dream. Or at least that path in life.
I’m being kicked out of the program.
Yeah, this is shocking, but it’s also unsurprising, worrying and relieving, among various other reactions that come to mind. I don’t know how to deal with this at the moment, other than go through my thoughts in writing, in how to break this to friends, family and classmates.
I've edited this a tiny bit to remove specific people or school's names.
* Shocked.
This does come as a surprise. I thought I did well, or at the least, well enough this semester. I handed in all my projects. Some, yes, were a day or two late. I got great marks on my theatre history and business tests and projects. I put on an awesome performance, had all my lines memorized fo… [view original content]
This is a big one. Both emotionally and through what I'm about to share.
You know how I was riding high last week after making it through… more my third semester in this Acting program?
Well say goodbye to that dream. Or at least that path in life.
I’m being kicked out of the program.
Yeah, this is shocking, but it’s also unsurprising, worrying and relieving, among various other reactions that come to mind. I don’t know how to deal with this at the moment, other than go through my thoughts in writing, in how to break this to friends, family and classmates.
I've edited this a tiny bit to remove specific people or school's names.
* Shocked.
This does come as a surprise. I thought I did well, or at the least, well enough this semester. I handed in all my projects. Some, yes, were a day or two late. I got great marks on my theatre history and business tests and projects. I put on an awesome performance, had all my lines memorized fo… [view original content]
Damn, that sucks. I don't know what the say that hasn't already been said 10 times better than anything I ever could, but I really hope things go well for you.
If you plan to look at other schools but find things too stressful at the moment, maybe take a few months off to unwind and pursue those hobbies you've been meaning to try out. Like a gap year, but shorter. A half gap year.
This is a big one. Both emotionally and through what I'm about to share.
You know how I was riding high last week after making it through… more my third semester in this Acting program?
Well say goodbye to that dream. Or at least that path in life.
I’m being kicked out of the program.
Yeah, this is shocking, but it’s also unsurprising, worrying and relieving, among various other reactions that come to mind. I don’t know how to deal with this at the moment, other than go through my thoughts in writing, in how to break this to friends, family and classmates.
I've edited this a tiny bit to remove specific people or school's names.
* Shocked.
This does come as a surprise. I thought I did well, or at the least, well enough this semester. I handed in all my projects. Some, yes, were a day or two late. I got great marks on my theatre history and business tests and projects. I put on an awesome performance, had all my lines memorized fo… [view original content]
Thanks for the support, everyone. It really means a lot knowing that you guys care.
I've told my parents and classmates now.
I still don’t know how I feel about all this. I’m sure I just need time to cool off, unwind, and figure out a plan for myself.
Thankfully I’ve got a family to stay with to figure this out with.
But damn this is frustrating! Frustrating at myself, at the program (I didn’t get much heads up about this), that I was actually doing worse instead of doing better, I'm frustrated at what to do next, at whether theatre/acting this whole thing I’ve been chasing for years is even right…
Personal bit: (I’ve got a processing disability. That might have to do with my work faults).
But thanks for all the advice.
It still doesn't feel right to give up on acting at this point. Maybe I should try finding some community theatre or background work or voice work.
I don't think this is something I can negotiate myself out of. While they might want to keep me or give me another chance (especially in these unique covid times of learning -- though I get that's pretty naive) legally they have to let me go, as that's how their policies work.
I think it's a bit too late to apply for a September program, so, damn.
thanks for all the stuff, Dylan
Bottom line is, I just need to rest. I'm off to bed right now anyway, it should be good to sleep on it.
Tomorrow, I'm not so sure. I think I need to wind down, get all this stress of my shoulders. It doesn't feel right to try and relax since that's what got me into this in the first place (although I use procrastination as an avoidance tactic, not because I don't care about it). With the work and performance I put myself through the past few weeks, my gosh, I need a break.
Idk, I'm 22, I've still got a lot of life ahead of me (I hope). Just sucks to be hitting a brick wall about myself already when it's what I've been chasing for years.
I done a acting course in College for 8 months and dropped out. I am qualified in acting, PT, psychology and Business I done all the courses so I will tell you my experience if you love the course truly you will put hard work in, if you find it hard to find your motivation the course is not for you. I done a play in front of about 1,000 people and felt nothing when we got the applause I just taught about the gym later that's when I knew being a PT was for me and not acting.
Look acting is full of nepotism and dodgy deals to make it less than 1% make it big and those who do usually die young from drug and alcohol abuse from what I saw. Acting is not always the disney world you think it is.
Another lesson I learned from acting is there is no special trick to acting always fake and trying to remember your lines while doing funny faces which disappointed me in college.
I think you will find something better you will love with better outcomes and be in a much better place than everyone in that course and teachers who dropped you.
This is a big one. Both emotionally and through what I'm about to share.
You know how I was riding high last week after making it through… more my third semester in this Acting program?
Well say goodbye to that dream. Or at least that path in life.
I’m being kicked out of the program.
Yeah, this is shocking, but it’s also unsurprising, worrying and relieving, among various other reactions that come to mind. I don’t know how to deal with this at the moment, other than go through my thoughts in writing, in how to break this to friends, family and classmates.
I've edited this a tiny bit to remove specific people or school's names.
* Shocked.
This does come as a surprise. I thought I did well, or at the least, well enough this semester. I handed in all my projects. Some, yes, were a day or two late. I got great marks on my theatre history and business tests and projects. I put on an awesome performance, had all my lines memorized fo… [view original content]
I done a acting course in College for 8 months and dropped out. I am qualified in acting, PT, psychology and Business I done all the courses… more so I will tell you my experience if you love the course truly you will put hard work in, if you find it hard to find your motivation the course is not for you. I done a play in front of about 1,000 people and felt nothing when we got the applause I just taught about the gym later that's when I knew being a PT was for me and not acting.
Look acting is full of nepotism and dodgy deals to make it less than 1% make it big and those who do usually die young from drug and alcohol abuse from what I saw. Acting is not always the disney world you think it is.
Another lesson I learned from acting is there is no special trick to acting always fake and trying to remember your lines while doing funny faces which disappointed me in college.
I think you will find something better you will love with better outc… [view original content]
So last night, I was talking with one of my friends and they made a joke. And shortly after they made the joke, I had got a ping from another server so I went to go check to see why I got pinged. And I got a question from somebody, so I took a few minutes to answer it.
This took two minutes for me to do. So when I tab back to the conversation between me and my friend, now he's talking about how I was ignoring him and how I've been doing this for months now. And then the evidence they used to try to show me I've been doing it was taken out of context. They said I only say "mood" and "yeah" when I talk, but then when you went further than what the screenshot had shown, mood and yeah weren't the only things I had said.
This is like such a petty thing for them to get mad at over, so of course I tried to defend myself. But when I did they said "You're just like everyone else." and told me I never listened and that I basically have never said anything of value ever. And then when I tried to tell them that I didn't mean to upset them, they banned me from all their servers, told me they never want to speak to me again, and then blocked me.
You really didn't do anything wrong. He was peeved by some arbitrary behaviour you exhibited, and instead of calmly mentioning this to you to perhaps reach a compromise (not that anyone would be obligated to do anything here this is incredibly petty), they blow up on you and throw themselves a pity party. The "friend" was no loss, though the server thing is an incredibly dick move, hope you didn't lose contact with any friends who were in there.
So last night, I was talking with one of my friends and they made a joke. And shortly after they made the joke, I had got a ping from anothe… morer server so I went to go check to see why I got pinged. And I got a question from somebody, so I took a few minutes to answer it.
This took two minutes for me to do. So when I tab back to the conversation between me and my friend, now he's talking about how I was ignoring him and how I've been doing this for months now. And then the evidence they used to try to show me I've been doing it was taken out of context. They said I only say "mood" and "yeah" when I talk, but then when you went further than what the screenshot had shown, mood and yeah weren't the only things I had said.
This is like such a petty thing for them to get mad at over, so of course I tried to defend myself. But when I did they said "You're just like everyone else." and told me I never listened and that I basically have never said… [view original content]
Thankfully, the server only had us two in it and a few bots. But I'm honestly over it now, they were a massive ass and they would like constantly get in drama with mutual friends between him and I.
There was this one person who he hated, and I was friends with her but like the other guy who did all the stupid shit like took other screenshots by them out of context and lied about the point of them. And at the time, I believed him so I ended up blocking her.
Though now since I don't have to deal with his bullshit, I unblocked her and apologized and explained what happened.
You really didn't do anything wrong. He was peeved by some arbitrary behaviour you exhibited, and instead of calmly mentioning this to you t… moreo perhaps reach a compromise (not that anyone would be obligated to do anything here this is incredibly petty), they blow up on you and throw themselves a pity party. The "friend" was no loss, though the server thing is an incredibly dick move, hope you didn't lose contact with any friends who were in there.
Nobody can help me and I’m trying my best to help myself. I want to leave, I have all this knowledge and I have nothing to do with it; I am worthless. Please help
It depends on your situation and the opportunities out there. The world changes a lot, especially here in the computer age, and as you grow more experienced in life, things become available that weren't there previously. You need to look for them and be prepared to go after them when they surface.
If you want a more concrete answer, you need to provide more details.
Nobody can help me and I’m trying my best to help myself. I want to leave, I have all this knowledge and I have nothing to do with it; I am worthless. Please help
I can see it. I am an Asshole. Living in this house it makes me feel like I have to be kind and compassionate while also having the fortitude to go out and take my life. But now, it seems like I'm unable of being either. For so long, it has been a mental conflict. I've gone through depression, and attempted suicide, and thoughts that I can't be okay with myself only to become a twisted version of me in an attempt to find something I can be comfortable with being. I know a lot of it comes from my lack of trust. It's why I can't connect with people. It's why I fail to understand others emotions and to communicate with them on that level. And the worst part is my way of coping is to shut down, to form walls between myself and others out of a delusion that they are the same, through my reality. As I get older it's becoming easier to understand that in others.
Some people are hurting so much that it is not possible for them to be good and to be their best selves.
Not like any of that matters now..
What I've learned is that I'm not capable of being a good person, I'm only capable of not being a horrible one.
I can see it. I am an Asshole. Living in this house it makes me feel like I have to be kind and compassionate while also having the fortitud… moree to go out and take my life. But now, it seems like I'm unable of being either. For so long, it has been a mental conflict. I've gone through depression, and attempted suicide, and thoughts that I can't be okay with myself only to become a twisted version of me in an attempt to find something I can be comfortable with being. I know a lot of it comes from my lack of trust. It's why I can't connect with people. It's why I fail to understand others emotions and to communicate with them on that level. And the worst part is my way of coping is to shut down, to form walls between myself and others out of a delusion that they are the same, through my reality. As I get older it's becoming easier to understand that in others.
Some people are hurting so much that it is not possible for them to be good and to be… [view original content]
Does anyone have any materials, like a link or a series of videos on meditating or something that they could share? Or any helpful material that provides tips with self-esteem? I've always had zero confidence and self-esteem and it limits my ability to form meaningful relationships with others, and rest assured that they value me, as I personally have a lot of difficulty in placing trust in people, as I view people being nice to me as simply being nice for the sake of it and not in a genuine manner, it's not healthy, and I want to grow out of that mindset and be more consistently happy. I want to be able to relax and be at peace in my head, because internally I'm my own worst enemy.
I've been told that I need to focus on myself and my well-being, and that I haven't done it enough, like when I was in college, I went in to pursue a career in helping people, I put other people and their well-being ahead of my own. Is that a good thing? I'd like to think it is fairly kind, because I do genuinely care, though I've been told I care too much that I forget to care for myself.
As I said, I'm my own worst enemy, so while I focused on helping others, I was losing battles in my head and my sense of self-worth continued to diminish.
Like I try to be more confident and crack jokes in the workplace, just to try and have fun, and I do get a few giggles, but I worry I come across as insanely weird or rude, so I'd later apologise so to try and make amends that I feel need to be made. I did go out with a number of colleagues earlier this week and had a few drinks, early on I was very reserved as I was fearful of expressing myself and being looked at as a weirdo, but as more drink was consumed, and several chants were chanted at me to completely finish a freshly made drink that was literally just poured out and handed to me, I was hammered and blacked out, and apparently, I was pretty funny in that state, some of the stuff I said was embarrassing, like flirting with one colleague (funnily enough, this same colleague I flirted with, she asked me if I wanted to go out again the very next day), but I have been invited to another gathering with colleagues to have a few drinks which will probably happen in the next couple of days so by the sounds of it, they seem to like me? I just hope they do as I do think fondly of them all, I think they're great.
I don't have anything specific for meditation or self-esteem, but there's a lot of stuff out there if you search for it. You just have to be a bit skeptical about anything that promises miracles or asks for money or asks you to worship something.
I can tell you that pre-emptive apologizing is embarrassing for everyone, especially if it wasn't as big a deal as you thought it was, and they already forgot about it. If they ask you about it, then you can apologize. Or if it's really obvious you did something wrong, you can pivot to something else, like "I'm really sorry about last night, the first round of drinks is on me tonight!"
By the way, if they invite you out again, that means they like you. Try not to drink so much that you black out, though, and definitely don't drive afterward.
Does anyone have any materials, like a link or a series of videos on meditating or something that they could share? Or any helpful material … morethat provides tips with self-esteem? I've always had zero confidence and self-esteem and it limits my ability to form meaningful relationships with others, and rest assured that they value me, as I personally have a lot of difficulty in placing trust in people, as I view people being nice to me as simply being nice for the sake of it and not in a genuine manner, it's not healthy, and I want to grow out of that mindset and be more consistently happy. I want to be able to relax and be at peace in my head, because internally I'm my own worst enemy.
I've been told that I need to focus on myself and my well-being, and that I haven't done it enough, like when I was in college, I went in to pursue a career in helping people, I put other people and their well-being ahead of my own. Is that a good thing? I'd li… [view original content]
My parents are visiting me, which is great of course, after returning from seeing my sister in another state. My mom told me about a couple incidents that happened while they were out and about, one with my dad by himself just walking around and one with my mom who was with my niece (3) and nephew (6). Both these stories have my blood boiling.
My dad was out having a walk when he got lost. He approached a white guy and asked for directions, and the guy told him to "Fuck off." The other incident involved my mom taking the grandkids to a McDonalds. The kids were excited about the food and asked if they could have some, so my mom moved off to the side and scrounged through the bag to get them their things and a younger white guy goes up to them and yells at them to "Get the fuck out of the way." As I was being told about these events I got understandably pissed, my mom just told me it's, that's just how it is sometimes. I let it go but I'm still seething in rage.
My dad's getting there in age and he was alone. My mom was taking care of kids. I'm absolutely fucking furious because what if anything got physical, especially in the current events with all the asian hate or if these people were even bigger assholes than they were. What if my parents had said something back in retaliation and these idiots decide to be violent?
A couple or so months ago, I read a comment that really irked me. Saying how it doesn't make sense for stories set in an apocalypse to handle issues like racism, sexism or homophobia because by then it wouldn't matter. I didn't say anything then but I wish I did, because it was one of the whitest things I've ever read. Imagine telling a marginalised group of people that the only way they'll ever feel safe and feel like they belong is if the world fucking ended. When finally, societal issues like that wouldn't matter because we'd all be working together to survive and we can all go Kumbaya.
We currently live in the most civilised age in human history, and I still fear for the safety of myself and those around me. I know so many people who've had stories of their own facing some sort of discrimination either because of their skin colour or their sex. If you really believe that then you need to go and talk to more diverse group of people or touch some grass because the end of the world is not going to change that, in fact it's probably going to embolden these ideologies. We have evidence of that right now with different groups targeting and harassing asian people for causing a pandemic that is now one of the most devastating events in human history. We had evidence of this last year with Black Lives Matter. Fuck, we've had it for every fucking war this world has ever had. There will always be people like this. No matter how much I believe that people are inherently good. Regardless whether or not you yourself are there to witness them. There will always be people like this.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. Good will come your way and I hope you see yourself within our understanding of the world and universe in which we exist is cruel and you don’t deserve this beloved, take care beloved
My parents are visiting me, which is great of course, after returning from seeing my sister in another state. My mom told me about a couple … moreincidents that happened while they were out and about, one with my dad by himself just walking around and one with my mom who was with my niece (3) and nephew (6). Both these stories have my blood boiling.
My dad was out having a walk when he got lost. He approached a white guy and asked for directions, and the guy told him to "Fuck off." The other incident involved my mom taking the grandkids to a McDonalds. The kids were excited about the food and asked if they could have some, so my mom moved off to the side and scrounged through the bag to get them their things and a younger white guy goes up to them and yells at them to "Get the fuck out of the way." As I was being told about these events I got understandably pissed, my mom just told me it's, that's just how it is sometimes. I let it go but I'm st… [view original content]
I am like this for no reason. I am fully developed, everything that I said was true. I’ve formed an understanding throughout my life that I am able to help myself because nobody can and I don’t want to face the fact that nobody can
It depends on your situation and the opportunities out there. The world changes a lot, especially here in the computer age, and as you grow… more more experienced in life, things become available that weren't there previously. You need to look for them and be prepared to go after them when they surface.
If you want a more concrete answer, you need to provide more details.
Welp, a lot's going on and a lot's jumping around in my head. I wouldn't say I'm too stressed about it, but that could change.
I'm seeking a new therapist since my current one is unavailable. They recommended me 3 people who I've emailed, and they've all responded. Now I have to figure out when I'm free to call each of them and figure it out from there.
I really don't like meeting new people
There's also the fact that I have rehearsals and the opening of my class' show for the next 2 weeks, and that makes me schedule EXTREMELY packed. At least until the show opens and we don't need to show up until 6pm.
The problem with that is -- someone in our cast tested positive for Covid. They stayed home yesterday since they weren't feeling well, tested, got the positive. We were sent home yesterday and then sent home again today since the Head of Crew said it wasn't safe in general to have everyone there. Luckily all 25 of us cast and crew tested negative yesterday, but this throws a wrench in our schedule, and rehearsals and show opening might be delayed further when we come back Monday.
So I've had a rough weekend, and it was hard to work through, and it all got to me today, where I felt a panic attack coming on. I felt light-headed and had intense headaches, I was sweating, I was hyperventilating, all because of mistakes I made during work that got to me. I thought I was going to faint.
I managed to keep myself upright, I distanced myself from everyone, and when I was on my own, I took deep breaths to calm myself down. If I made even the smallest of mistakes when I was going through what I was going through, I do think that would've pushed me over the edge.
I have not said anything to anyone about it, and right now, I don't think I want to. I like my job, I love it, but what happens with me is I put myself under too much pressure, I get into my own head and break myself down. I don't want anyone to think that I should reconsider my job, I don't view the job as the problem, every job is bound to bring stress, and I know for a fact that in any other job, that what happened earlier today would probably happen there. I dwell too much on my mistakes, even the smallest of things I do wrong get to me and weigh down on me, and what's crippling to me, is that I tell myself that everyone is looking at me thinking I'm some tool, completely clueless, stupid, and they probably do, I'm all over the place, and I can't control those thoughts as they just dominate my headspace.
Tomorrow is my last day of the workweek and it'll be quieter, so I'm crossing everything in hopes that I make it through and don't mess up, because with how I've been feeling for the past number of days, I'm walking on eggshells with myself, and making a mistake, minor or major, may induce what I narrowly avoided today.
UPDATE: So I was up all night with headaches and sweats, I called in sick and was given the day off. I've still got headaches but the sweating has stopped, I still feel very down but now I'd like to use my days off to just gather myself for the week ahead.
Just read up on a "controversy", if you can even call it that, in regards to the Brit Awards that took place three days ago. So Adele won artist of the year, a merger between two categories, male and female artist of the year, which I think is deserved, she's one of the most talented artists in the world, and I personally adore her song "Easy On Me". So her speech went along the lines of "I understand why the name of this award has changed but I really love being a woman and being a female artist. I do, I do. I’m really proud of us. I really, really am.”
Alright, doesn't seem too controversial, she loves being a woman, I think that's lovely, I'd go as far to say that's rather great. But, apparently, that statement led to "attacks", (spoiler alert, it didn't), with several "outlets" reporting that Adele was on the receiving end of abuse for being a TERF, with such reputable sources like Joe Rogan even getting involved and using objectivity, logic and reason to epically embarrass those gosh darn peoples going for Adele. Roe Jogan is one of several "outlets" that reported on it, and to talk about the others, they wrote full fledged articles about it. Here I was expecting irrefutable evidence, preparing to be epically owned, and those "outlets" shared two or three measly comments that, mind you, had little to no engagement. Just two or three comments, with less than 50 likes combined, and that's an "attack" apparently.
You'd have noticed I use quotations fairly often, that's because these supposed reputable sources, which they aren't, completely fabricated a story that really goes into people that are transgender, and paints them as unreasonable, emotional babies that throw their toys out of the pram for stuff like this, when in fact, that's not the case. They couldn't even link the tweets, that goes to show just how little they cared, they just wanted to pump out a toxic story, and Joe Rogan, picked it up, ran with it, and the sad thing is, his fans definitely believe that this actually happened, they're definitely thinking there's some mob out there, sharpening the pitchforks, ready to demolish Adele for being herself, when... there's not.
What bothers me about it, is that transgender people are a group that are consistently the target of hate raids, and we've got individuals that only seek to amplify that with fabricated outrage, but they'll then turn around afterwards and talk about the rate of transgender people that take their own lives. Why do they think that is? May it have to do with being the target of fabricated stories like the one with Adele?
And like, we know who the culprits are, we all know it, do they not possess any shame? Do they really have nothing better to do than to just make up a story for clicks, knowing it only fuels the violence and harassment of transgender people? It's crazy how a news outlet or a website can publish complete piss like that, and when I, or someone who is LGBTQIA+ takes issue with it, we're the unreasonable ones, dare we criticise them, we're looked at as trying to "cancel" them. What a crock of nonsense.
Didn't mention it before but last week Chinese New Year kicked off pretty horribly with the death of my aunt, who succumbed to her dementia. Heard my mom wailing from my room and when I went out to see what was going on she told me that her sister had passed away. My cousin, who was unfortunately stuck in quarantine after being a close contact, asked my mom if she could drive to the apartment and keep watch of the body and wait for the police.
I went with her and when we got there we were greeted by my cousin's wife and my aunt's caregiver. The last time I saw my aunt was early last year and while she was definitely forgetful about things she was fairly healthy. However by late last year the dementia eventually caused her to lose the ability to speak and then eventually walking became an issue. By that point in time she could pretty much only kind of move her mouth and swallow foods, which is why she required a caregiver to help take care of her.
Seeing her body just lying on the bed was surreal. It looked like she was just sleeping peacefully, and when I looked at her, it was almost like I could see her chest rising and falling. The police came and we informed them on what happened and they took some pictures of the body. My cousin's wife then went with them to the police station to file a report. To our surprise, my cousin ended up coming to the apartment. I need to preface that my cousin is almost double my height and size. Watching him turn back to a kid again as he cried for his mom was one of the hardest things I've ever had to watch in my life.
The wake was a couple days later and the funeral followed the day after. We had a mix of a buddhist/taoist funeral. Again, not a great day. The whole thing was only like two to two and a half hours but by the end of it, it felt like a whole day had gone by. It was so emotionally exhausting. My family and I are fine now but that day feels like so long ago, when it was literally only a week ago. It's really weird.
Just gonna ramble on for a bit.
Didn't mention it before but last week Chinese New Year kicked off pretty horribly with the death of my a… moreunt, who succumbed to her dementia. Heard my mom wailing from my room and when I went out to see what was going on she told me that her sister had passed away. My cousin, who was unfortunately stuck in quarantine after being a close contact, asked my mom if she could drive to the apartment and keep watch of the body and wait for the police.
I went with her and when we got there we were greeted by my cousin's wife and my aunt's caregiver. The last time I saw my aunt was early last year and while she was definitely forgetful about things she was fairly healthy. However by late last year the dementia eventually caused her to lose the ability to speak and then eventually walking became an issue. By that point in time she could pretty much only kind of move her mouth and swallow foods, which is why she requ… [view original content]
Just gonna ramble on for a bit.
Didn't mention it before but last week Chinese New Year kicked off pretty horribly with the death of my a… moreunt, who succumbed to her dementia. Heard my mom wailing from my room and when I went out to see what was going on she told me that her sister had passed away. My cousin, who was unfortunately stuck in quarantine after being a close contact, asked my mom if she could drive to the apartment and keep watch of the body and wait for the police.
I went with her and when we got there we were greeted by my cousin's wife and my aunt's caregiver. The last time I saw my aunt was early last year and while she was definitely forgetful about things she was fairly healthy. However by late last year the dementia eventually caused her to lose the ability to speak and then eventually walking became an issue. By that point in time she could pretty much only kind of move her mouth and swallow foods, which is why she requ… [view original content]
I had a comment all queued up about how I'm excited for the end of the month, and the many things that'll help push me through to it, but today I can't be bothered.
Don't you just love being awake until 3am, with feelings of inadequacy, imposter syndrome, and fear for your own talent and future? 'Cause that was me last night.
And as a class collective, we're all mentally fucked today. With a feeling of defeat and unpreparedness for the real industry, while our school refuses to listen to us.
I try to be a nice person, I always offer to help, show concern for others and think about them often I worry about them often, I try to be as good a person as I can, because of the values I hold, and I hold them dearly, but I honestly think I've become jaded to the point that I don't see why I should continue. I treasure my values, I strongly believe in them, but it doesn't seem to matter to anyone, nothing goes my way, if anything, all I do is try and keep a smile while dragging myself through the shit days, and I have plenty of shit days. I'm just exhausted, because I feel I'm not seen, I'd like to be seen as the person I strive to be, but I don't feel that, I'd like to be happy, but I am genuinely miserable.
Literally all I want in my life is to be happy, and it's always so far out of my grasp, and when I do experience it once every so often, it's rare, it feels nice, but then the next day, like a punch to the gut, I get my shit kicked in and get reminded that this is like my own personal hell, being punished because I simply am.
I don't know if it's something I am causing by my own actions, I just want to relax in my own time, do my work, come home, and just be happy, but I never get it, I never get the happiness that I crave and desperately need. I'd like to develop relationships with people, but I struggle to. I like to think I'm an empathetic person, I think about others, I love so many, but it never translates into a meaningful relationship where those feelings are shared.
I get told from people that I'm nice, that I'm kind, that I'm a good person, but am I? I don't even know anymore, I feel like I just want to close myself off from others, just roll with the shit rather than fight it and not kid myself into thinking things get better, they haven't, and they won't, I get people telling me that they will, but they haven't for years and won't improve now.
Instead of life kicking me to the curb and wrecking my severely affected mental health further, I think I should close myself off to the point where I can't open myself enough to be hurt, because it always happens, it's a guarantee with me, I always end up hurt in the end, getting attached to people that, from my perspective, don't see me for me, I don't know what they see in me if they do see me. I've opened up to people in the past, letting them see me for me, and it looks as if they see nothing.
Someone who was close to me once told me that I was a special person, but I don't see it in myself, what's special about me? What did they see in me? Nothing of note from what I know about myself. I wanted to believe them, that maybe I was something, not something amazing, or a godsend, but something of worth.
This is all over the place, I'm all over the place, my head is all over the place, I just can't cope with it as it's getting to be too much for me. I don't know what to do, I just want to be happy, but I can't be, life won't let me, and when I experience it, it's for a brief moment, and then it's taken away, and it just takes away my desire to keep going in hopes of it getting better, because I've experienced it for years, and I know that will never change for me no matter how much I fight for a change.
I know my future, and it's not a good one, I won't get anywhere, I won't be able to make or be the change that I want, I'm not going to make a difference, in the world or in my life or someone else's, and I won't be happy, because I've lived this long in misery, it's only going to keep happening.
You don't really know the future. You just don't know anything else but the past.
Human relationships are hard, but they do get easier with practice. If it's possible, you might want to find a psychologist/therapist to go through things with, to analyze what's going on, and help you figure out how to make it better. That's not a sign of weakness. I saw one when I was younger, my wife has seen several, and I know a lot of other people who are seeing one now.
I try to be a nice person, I always offer to help, show concern for others and think about them often I worry about them often, I try to be … moreas good a person as I can, because of the values I hold, and I hold them dearly, but I honestly think I've become jaded to the point that I don't see why I should continue. I treasure my values, I strongly believe in them, but it doesn't seem to matter to anyone, nothing goes my way, if anything, all I do is try and keep a smile while dragging myself through the shit days, and I have plenty of shit days. I'm just exhausted, because I feel I'm not seen, I'd like to be seen as the person I strive to be, but I don't feel that, I'd like to be happy, but I am genuinely miserable.
Literally all I want in my life is to be happy, and it's always so far out of my grasp, and when I do experience it once every so often, it's rare, it feels nice, but then the next day, like a punch to the gut, I get my shit kicked… [view original content]
The road to happiness is hard, and the pain you're feeling is natural on the path to self-realization.
You said you try to be a nice person but don't see the point anymore. Why is that a bad thing? Everything in life is a balancing act, a game of give and take. If you just give and give without caring for yourself eventually you'll have nothing left to give. It's okay to put your own well-being into the equation; maybe these feelings you're having are your mind telling you it's time to consider that.
As for happiness, we all struggle. Some of the world largest religions, the beliefs people turn to for hope and meaning in life, don't even gloss over the fact that hardships are inevitable and plenty. It's the pains of growth. If you cut yourself off from pain entirely you cut off the opportunities that come with discomfort.
Someone who was close to me once told me that I was a special person, but I don't see it in myself, what's special about me? What did they see in me? Nothing of note from what I know about myself. I wanted to believe them, that maybe I was something, not something amazing, or a godsend, but something of worth.
There is no one who has your exact same path in life, in that way you are special. Your worth comes from how you choose to develop your path and apply it to the world.
I know my future, and it's not a good one, I won't get anywhere, I won't be able to make or be the change that I want, I'm not going to make a difference, in the world or in my life or someone else's, and I won't be happy, because I've lived this long in misery, it's only going to keep happening.
This mindset is a dangerous slope that leads to a self-fulfilling prophecy of learned helplessness. Your future is shaped by your choices. Your choices shaped by your mindset. If you let your mindset slide into defeatism your choices will be marred by it.
If the butterfly effect is real (and I don't see how it can't be), then it's impossible for you not to make a difference in some way. It might not be the scope you want, but every little choice you make will impact the response and choices of those around you.
I agree that a psychologist would be helpful, since it sounds like there's possibly some depression involved. You know your situation better than anyone here though. I hope the best for you.
I try to be a nice person, I always offer to help, show concern for others and think about them often I worry about them often, I try to be … moreas good a person as I can, because of the values I hold, and I hold them dearly, but I honestly think I've become jaded to the point that I don't see why I should continue. I treasure my values, I strongly believe in them, but it doesn't seem to matter to anyone, nothing goes my way, if anything, all I do is try and keep a smile while dragging myself through the shit days, and I have plenty of shit days. I'm just exhausted, because I feel I'm not seen, I'd like to be seen as the person I strive to be, but I don't feel that, I'd like to be happy, but I am genuinely miserable.
Literally all I want in my life is to be happy, and it's always so far out of my grasp, and when I do experience it once every so often, it's rare, it feels nice, but then the next day, like a punch to the gut, I get my shit kicked… [view original content]
Comments
Tragedy and darkness are inevitable in this world, in fact it's slowly consuming it like a cancer, but if the effects of stress/depression on the body, mind and lifespan are anything to go by, the true purpose of life is found in seeking joy and light in spite of it.
Which is why I don't watch the news anymore. You're not under any obligation to put these things at the forefront of your mind.
Big explosions have a way of doing that. Ask your mom how she handled the 9/11 attacks in 2001.
One thing about now that wasn't as true in 2001: Social media sites try to determine what you've paid attention to in the past and show you more of it. This can be a big problem when you don't want to see more of it. What you can try to do is actively look for completely different things on these sites, to reset their algorithms as much as you can.
Eventually things will get better. Hang in there.
My mother and my stepfather said I should try to distract myself from it. So, starting last night, I tried to do that. And I was feeling good, and then out of the middle of nowhere, the feeling came back.
I'm frustrated and worried for my neighbours down south again today. I know I shouldn't be surprised by what's going on there, but I am. And it's so frustrating to watch.
Hopefully The Thing That Happens In 14 Days goes down smoothly and as safe as possible.
I understand it now. First time I was afraid of it and it drove me to a state of psychosis, but now I can see again what I saw, what I fought against thinking. I don't need to be afraid anymore. This is all I will say.
Anyone got any tips for a good work ethic, and pushing yourself to start something that seems way too daunting?
This has always been a major problem for me, tonight's no exception.
I've got some final analysis work due on Saturday (for a script), and I've only done like 15% of it already (when I should be a lot further into the process).
My therapist has recommended that I break down work needed into easy-to-read points, which I've done. It's also recommended that i take it slowly, adjusting my goalposts to make it easier for myself to stay focused and engaged with it. (like, 10 minutes of work, 10 minutes break, etc.) It's kind of helped, but I'm terrible at keeping myself in check.
Theoretical/Written work has always been a struggle for me to do. I'm all about stuff that gets me engaged by doing, if you know what I mean. This stuff usually gets left until the last minute, and unsurprisingly I've done it again.
On a sidenote that I am both proud and ashamed of: Art.
I sat down earlier today to crack down and get some of this research down, but my mind quickly drifted elsewhere and I fell back to my usual avoidance tactics of doing literally anything else to keep from getting stressed.
I finally got some work done at 10pm after i drew this:
And i enjoyed every minute it took to draw that.
But why...? Why do i enjoy drawing so much, even doing it when i have more pressing things to do, even when i was wasting my time by vent-drawing it in the first place?
It's silly expecting an internet forum to help me with this, I know. I guess i really just need to vent.
It sounds like your therapist has the right idea. You could even put together a checklist so you could give each piece a satisfying check when complete. But if it's due tomorrow, it's going to be panic to the rescue again.
My Production Design class is probably the worst class I've ever taken in the two years that I've been in college so far. I'm just fucking done at this point.
Guy assigns asinine amounts of work and then takes literal months to grade it so you don't even know how well you're doing in the class for most of the semester. Straight up, there's some stuff from February that he hasn't graded yet. And the few things he has gotten around to grading, he just leaves these passive aggressive comments criticizing you for not improving throughout the course of the class. Like, how do you expect any of your students to improve when they don't even know what they need to improve on? That's on you, man.
I have very little incentive to get shit done in this class anymore because he's just gonna take ten years to get back to me anyway. I'm just over it at this point. There's only a couple more weeks left in the semester, so whatever.
This is a big one. Both emotionally and through what I'm about to share.
You know how I was riding high last week after making it through my third semester in this Acting program?
Well say goodbye to that dream. Or at least that path in life.
I’m being kicked out of the program.
Yeah, this is shocking, but it’s also unsurprising, worrying and relieving, among various other reactions that come to mind. I don’t know how to deal with this at the moment, other than go through my thoughts in writing, in how to break this to friends, family and classmates.
I've edited this a tiny bit to remove specific people or school's names.
This does come as a surprise. I thought I did well, or at the least, well enough this semester. I handed in all my projects. Some, yes, were a day or two late. I got great marks on my theatre history and business tests and projects. I put on an awesome performance, had all my lines memorized for a 3-hour performance of 17th century text.
Yes, I didn’t get through this semester as smooth as I thought I would, but I recognise where I went wrong and I had a plan and resources to use that I would put forward in Semester 4. Start projects earlier. Break it down into manageable chunks. Work with consistent breaks. That worked so far with help from [my therapist]
But I guess that’s not happening now.
At the same time, I’m not surprised. My work ethic for most of the term has not been good. And especially when it comes to acting, it does not mix well.
The tasks proved very daunting, requiring research, writing, lots of work and planning. This stuff is very long and hard to do. So I avoid it. I avoid it until the last few days where stress pushes me over the edge and I get that shit done. And I do.
But that’s not how acting works, and that’s not how these things are graded. It’s a process that you build up bit by bit, and not hand in in one lump sum at the last minute.
Yes, I had my scenes memorized in the last 4 weeks of Period Study, but I should have had them memorized a week earlier, or more than that.
This is the second semester in a row where I got a GPA of under 3.0, so because I didn't improve, that's how the cookie crumbles
I know that I put myself in this corner and I didn’t do enough to get out of it. My hubris made me think everything was going to turn out okay. But that’s hubris for you.
Now that this is over, where do I go from here?
The program heads were quick to reassure me that this was not the end. That maybe it’s the program’s specific, intensive form of training that is so hard to adapt to. Maybe I’d work better at [other college] or [other university]. Maybe I could go it alone. I don’t need these guys at my school to succeed, but the training helps.
It could be that Theatre isn’t the acting format for me, but Media acting instead. [the program head] pointed out that a scene-by-scene way of studying and performing might be better for me than a 2-hour full performance.
Regardless, we had an upcoming TV/Film course coming up in Semester 4 and a Children's Show that was supposed to be performed and I was really looking forward to both of them. God damn it.
This is all still very fresh so I’m still figuring out how I feel about all this.
I admit that I’ve been mulling over quitting the program this semester. With Covid protocols separating the class into two and with all the at home learning disconnecting me from the process, it’s been hard to deal with.
The fact that I haven’t clicked with this work load, amount and variety of these classes has made me hesitant in continuing in this program. Maybe I’m not fit for this type of training. Maybe I need to look elsewhere, go it alone, or give up?
There’s also some hobbies I’ve tried or wanted to develop recently that I feel school work and school stress has kept me from doing. Stuff that I greatly enjoyed more than the process and work I was putting into school instead. Such as a bunch of art that I haven't shared here, but it's on a different site. It's all chicken-related, yeah yeah, I stick to what I know, but seeing it improve and being able to create that on my own terms and actually not be disgusted by it is awesome. Being proud of myself is awesome.
Regardless of my thoughts on all this, this is NOT how I wanted to go out, as I had made it through half of the program already, but I figured I’d keep going for the sake of the process, or at least until I was kicked out.
It seems that decision was made for me, after all.
I really hope I stay connected with some of the people from this program, because they're fucking amazing people that are super supportive, talented, and I really enjoy being around them.
I'm just so frustrated right now, that I've sabotaged myself to reach this point. Despite all the anxiety and nerves that come with it, I love acting. I love putting on another person's shoes, sharing a story that touches someone else. That rush you get when in a scene with someone else, or after a show, knowing what you nailed and didn't nail... that's really awesome!
But... shit. This is really disheartening. I don't think I've processed everything just yet, either. I had a little cry, but this program has been in my dreams for years! I should be sobbing into a pillow!
I haven't yet broken this to my parents, which I'll do later tonight after dinner. Wish me luck.
I hope your parents were supportive.
It sounds like you have some life decisions to make. Maybe you were in love with the concept of acting but not what really goes on behind the scenes to put on a production. Are there other paths you could take that would still have some of the things you love without so many of those things that made you want to put the whole thing off?
Good luck!
Hey, I'm sorry that the program did not work out for you, I knew how much it meant to you just by reading how you spoke about it, they may have been words on a screen, but I could feel the passion radiating behind your words.
You did what you could, you took heed in the advice of your therapist, you broke down each task into bite sized segments so to manage your workload, you did great there I'm sure, as your results according to you have been good.
You mentioned work ethic before, and to touch on it briefly, it takes me a bit to get going, but when I do I am flying. I suspect you are the same, you are well capable and your results show, you know that, but it's getting the engine going so you can drive that's the problem. It's normal. What I suggest that could improve it in the future is meditation, to drift off, relax, and eventually land back into your chair or bed with a relaxed mind that's ready to work. We're all going down a road of self-improvement, and it takes times like these to see what needs to be improved, you are one step closer to that improvement as you are aware of what you need to improve on.
I think for a few days, it could be beneficial for you to spend time reflecting, don't focus on the bad exclusively, acknowledge it but please don't allow it to consume you, the course has provided you with so much skill and experience, so weighing up what the future holds for you with your skillset. Speaking to your parents and your friends could allow you to find out a path that could be taken, be it through media, through attending a different college or university, but right now, I personally think you need to allow yourself time to look back so you can look forward.
I understand how you feel in terms of relief, the workload just sounded like it was too much, and it isn't fair to subject yourself to that if you don't feel you can keep up, you need to work at a comfortable pace, and at times that pace will increase but there's a critical point. Don't feel as though it's your fault though, it's not, you had no control over the amount of work.
Now could be a good time to get into those hobbies you wanted to explore, this hasn't been easy, and I don't mean this in a bad way, I really don't, but you need to unwind, and let yourself be yourself. If it's through art, go for it, work on a couple of projects, in that state of concentration, you can determine your next move, and work and think at your own pace. Be proud of what you do, and be proud of who you are.
Keep in contact with your friends, if things ease up, see about meeting up and kicking back with them. Your frustration is normal, anyone else in your shoes would be too, but when a door closes, another opens, maybe the course was right for you, but the setting wasn't, an opportunity will present itself down the line, but for now, I think time should be taken to process what happened, and to unwind through your passions.
I wish you luck in speaking to your parents, they may be shocked, but they should understand it just didn't work out, it just wasn't meant to be, though it doesn't mean that career isn't meant for you, the conditions or the timing may not have been right, with the past year, everyone has had a tough time with working, so you aren't alone.
I'm sorry if my response isn't helpful, or uplifting, but I want to offer you this, my DM's are open if you want to talk more about it, I'd be honored to listen, but thank you for sharing what you've already shared and I'm sorry for the long message. I wish you nothing but the very best man, you will go places, you will succeed.
Sorry to hear that man. I'm not sure if I read it correctly, but is there really nothing you can do, did they really just instruct you to go somewhere else? If you can, I'd try and do something for them to give you another chance, being kicked out without warning is pretty shitty.
Also, I can imagine remote acting has to be incredibly not very fun or a good way to learn to act.
I don’t know what I can add that hasn’t been said already or is a platitude, but don’t give up if this is your passion.
I hope the best for you going forward my friend!
Damn, that sucks. I don't know what the say that hasn't already been said 10 times better than anything I ever could, but I really hope things go well for you.
If you plan to look at other schools but find things too stressful at the moment, maybe take a few months off to unwind and pursue those hobbies you've been meaning to try out. Like a gap year, but shorter. A half gap year.
Thanks for the support, everyone. It really means a lot knowing that you guys care.
I've told my parents and classmates now.
I still don’t know how I feel about all this. I’m sure I just need time to cool off, unwind, and figure out a plan for myself.
Thankfully I’ve got a family to stay with to figure this out with.
But damn this is frustrating! Frustrating at myself, at the program (I didn’t get much heads up about this), that I was actually doing worse instead of doing better, I'm frustrated at what to do next, at whether theatre/acting this whole thing I’ve been chasing for years is even right…
Personal bit: (I’ve got a processing disability. That might have to do with my work faults).
But thanks for all the advice.
Bottom line is, I just need to rest. I'm off to bed right now anyway, it should be good to sleep on it.
Tomorrow, I'm not so sure. I think I need to wind down, get all this stress of my shoulders. It doesn't feel right to try and relax since that's what got me into this in the first place (although I use procrastination as an avoidance tactic, not because I don't care about it). With the work and performance I put myself through the past few weeks, my gosh, I need a break.
Idk, I'm 22, I've still got a lot of life ahead of me (I hope). Just sucks to be hitting a brick wall about myself already when it's what I've been chasing for years.
I done a acting course in College for 8 months and dropped out. I am qualified in acting, PT, psychology and Business I done all the courses so I will tell you my experience if you love the course truly you will put hard work in, if you find it hard to find your motivation the course is not for you. I done a play in front of about 1,000 people and felt nothing when we got the applause I just taught about the gym later that's when I knew being a PT was for me and not acting.
Look acting is full of nepotism and dodgy deals to make it less than 1% make it big and those who do usually die young from drug and alcohol abuse from what I saw. Acting is not always the disney world you think it is.
Another lesson I learned from acting is there is no special trick to acting always fake and trying to remember your lines while doing funny faces which disappointed me in college.
I think you will find something better you will love with better outcomes and be in a much better place than everyone in that course and teachers who dropped you.
Do you have debt from it?
Aha. Thanks for the input but I'm gonna keep going at it for now.
So last night, I was talking with one of my friends and they made a joke. And shortly after they made the joke, I had got a ping from another server so I went to go check to see why I got pinged. And I got a question from somebody, so I took a few minutes to answer it.
This took two minutes for me to do. So when I tab back to the conversation between me and my friend, now he's talking about how I was ignoring him and how I've been doing this for months now. And then the evidence they used to try to show me I've been doing it was taken out of context. They said I only say "mood" and "yeah" when I talk, but then when you went further than what the screenshot had shown, mood and yeah weren't the only things I had said.
This is like such a petty thing for them to get mad at over, so of course I tried to defend myself. But when I did they said "You're just like everyone else." and told me I never listened and that I basically have never said anything of value ever. And then when I tried to tell them that I didn't mean to upset them, they banned me from all their servers, told me they never want to speak to me again, and then blocked me.
You really didn't do anything wrong. He was peeved by some arbitrary behaviour you exhibited, and instead of calmly mentioning this to you to perhaps reach a compromise (not that anyone would be obligated to do anything here this is incredibly petty), they blow up on you and throw themselves a pity party. The "friend" was no loss, though the server thing is an incredibly dick move, hope you didn't lose contact with any friends who were in there.
Thanks.
Thankfully, the server only had us two in it and a few bots. But I'm honestly over it now, they were a massive ass and they would like constantly get in drama with mutual friends between him and I.
There was this one person who he hated, and I was friends with her but like the other guy who did all the stupid shit like took other screenshots by them out of context and lied about the point of them. And at the time, I believed him so I ended up blocking her.
Though now since I don't have to deal with his bullshit, I unblocked her and apologized and explained what happened.
Anyway, thanks for listening.
I wish the best for you dude
Nobody can help me and I’m trying my best to help myself. I want to leave, I have all this knowledge and I have nothing to do with it; I am worthless. Please help
It depends on your situation and the opportunities out there. The world changes a lot, especially here in the computer age, and as you grow more experienced in life, things become available that weren't there previously. You need to look for them and be prepared to go after them when they surface.
If you want a more concrete answer, you need to provide more details.
I can see it. I am an Asshole. Living in this house it makes me feel like I have to be kind and compassionate while also having the fortitude to go out and take my life. But now, it seems like I'm unable of being either. For so long, it has been a mental conflict. I've gone through depression, and attempted suicide, and thoughts that I can't be okay with myself only to become a twisted version of me in an attempt to find something I can be comfortable with being. I know a lot of it comes from my lack of trust. It's why I can't connect with people. It's why I fail to understand others emotions and to communicate with them on that level. And the worst part is my way of coping is to shut down, to form walls between myself and others out of a delusion that they are the same, through my reality. As I get older it's becoming easier to understand that in others.
Some people are hurting so much that it is not possible for them to be good and to be their best selves.
Not like any of that matters now..
What I've learned is that I'm not capable of being a good person, I'm only capable of not being a horrible one.
Well, not being a horrible person is still good.
Hey, is there something a good person would do that you can do? Don't worry about everything at once, but I bet there's something you can do.
Does anyone have any materials, like a link or a series of videos on meditating or something that they could share? Or any helpful material that provides tips with self-esteem? I've always had zero confidence and self-esteem and it limits my ability to form meaningful relationships with others, and rest assured that they value me, as I personally have a lot of difficulty in placing trust in people, as I view people being nice to me as simply being nice for the sake of it and not in a genuine manner, it's not healthy, and I want to grow out of that mindset and be more consistently happy. I want to be able to relax and be at peace in my head, because internally I'm my own worst enemy.
I've been told that I need to focus on myself and my well-being, and that I haven't done it enough, like when I was in college, I went in to pursue a career in helping people, I put other people and their well-being ahead of my own. Is that a good thing? I'd like to think it is fairly kind, because I do genuinely care, though I've been told I care too much that I forget to care for myself.
As I said, I'm my own worst enemy, so while I focused on helping others, I was losing battles in my head and my sense of self-worth continued to diminish.
Like I try to be more confident and crack jokes in the workplace, just to try and have fun, and I do get a few giggles, but I worry I come across as insanely weird or rude, so I'd later apologise so to try and make amends that I feel need to be made. I did go out with a number of colleagues earlier this week and had a few drinks, early on I was very reserved as I was fearful of expressing myself and being looked at as a weirdo, but as more drink was consumed, and several chants were chanted at me to completely finish a freshly made drink that was literally just poured out and handed to me, I was hammered and blacked out, and apparently, I was pretty funny in that state, some of the stuff I said was embarrassing, like flirting with one colleague (funnily enough, this same colleague I flirted with, she asked me if I wanted to go out again the very next day), but I have been invited to another gathering with colleagues to have a few drinks which will probably happen in the next couple of days so by the sounds of it, they seem to like me? I just hope they do as I do think fondly of them all, I think they're great.
I don't have anything specific for meditation or self-esteem, but there's a lot of stuff out there if you search for it. You just have to be a bit skeptical about anything that promises miracles or asks for money or asks you to worship something.
I can tell you that pre-emptive apologizing is embarrassing for everyone, especially if it wasn't as big a deal as you thought it was, and they already forgot about it. If they ask you about it, then you can apologize. Or if it's really obvious you did something wrong, you can pivot to something else, like "I'm really sorry about last night, the first round of drinks is on me tonight!"
By the way, if they invite you out again, that means they like you.
Try not to drink so much that you black out, though, and definitely don't drive afterward.
My parents are visiting me, which is great of course, after returning from seeing my sister in another state. My mom told me about a couple incidents that happened while they were out and about, one with my dad by himself just walking around and one with my mom who was with my niece (3) and nephew (6). Both these stories have my blood boiling.
My dad was out having a walk when he got lost. He approached a white guy and asked for directions, and the guy told him to "Fuck off." The other incident involved my mom taking the grandkids to a McDonalds. The kids were excited about the food and asked if they could have some, so my mom moved off to the side and scrounged through the bag to get them their things and a younger white guy goes up to them and yells at them to "Get the fuck out of the way." As I was being told about these events I got understandably pissed, my mom just told me it's, that's just how it is sometimes. I let it go but I'm still seething in rage.
My dad's getting there in age and he was alone. My mom was taking care of kids. I'm absolutely fucking furious because what if anything got physical, especially in the current events with all the asian hate or if these people were even bigger assholes than they were. What if my parents had said something back in retaliation and these idiots decide to be violent?
A couple or so months ago, I read a comment that really irked me. Saying how it doesn't make sense for stories set in an apocalypse to handle issues like racism, sexism or homophobia because by then it wouldn't matter. I didn't say anything then but I wish I did, because it was one of the whitest things I've ever read. Imagine telling a marginalised group of people that the only way they'll ever feel safe and feel like they belong is if the world fucking ended. When finally, societal issues like that wouldn't matter because we'd all be working together to survive and we can all go Kumbaya.
We currently live in the most civilised age in human history, and I still fear for the safety of myself and those around me. I know so many people who've had stories of their own facing some sort of discrimination either because of their skin colour or their sex. If you really believe that then you need to go and talk to more diverse group of people or touch some grass because the end of the world is not going to change that, in fact it's probably going to embolden these ideologies. We have evidence of that right now with different groups targeting and harassing asian people for causing a pandemic that is now one of the most devastating events in human history. We had evidence of this last year with Black Lives Matter. Fuck, we've had it for every fucking war this world has ever had. There will always be people like this. No matter how much I believe that people are inherently good. Regardless whether or not you yourself are there to witness them. There will always be people like this.
I'm gonna go have a cry now.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. Good will come your way and I hope you see yourself within our understanding of the world and universe in which we exist is cruel and you don’t deserve this beloved, take care beloved
I am like this for no reason. I am fully developed, everything that I said was true. I’ve formed an understanding throughout my life that I am able to help myself because nobody can and I don’t want to face the fact that nobody can
Welp, a lot's going on and a lot's jumping around in my head. I wouldn't say I'm too stressed about it, but that could change.
I'm seeking a new therapist since my current one is unavailable. They recommended me 3 people who I've emailed, and they've all responded. Now I have to figure out when I'm free to call each of them and figure it out from there.
I really don't like meeting new people
There's also the fact that I have rehearsals and the opening of my class' show for the next 2 weeks, and that makes me schedule EXTREMELY packed. At least until the show opens and we don't need to show up until 6pm.
So I've had a rough weekend, and it was hard to work through, and it all got to me today, where I felt a panic attack coming on. I felt light-headed and had intense headaches, I was sweating, I was hyperventilating, all because of mistakes I made during work that got to me. I thought I was going to faint.
I managed to keep myself upright, I distanced myself from everyone, and when I was on my own, I took deep breaths to calm myself down. If I made even the smallest of mistakes when I was going through what I was going through, I do think that would've pushed me over the edge.
I have not said anything to anyone about it, and right now, I don't think I want to. I like my job, I love it, but what happens with me is I put myself under too much pressure, I get into my own head and break myself down. I don't want anyone to think that I should reconsider my job, I don't view the job as the problem, every job is bound to bring stress, and I know for a fact that in any other job, that what happened earlier today would probably happen there. I dwell too much on my mistakes, even the smallest of things I do wrong get to me and weigh down on me, and what's crippling to me, is that I tell myself that everyone is looking at me thinking I'm some tool, completely clueless, stupid, and they probably do, I'm all over the place, and I can't control those thoughts as they just dominate my headspace.
Tomorrow is my last day of the workweek and it'll be quieter, so I'm crossing everything in hopes that I make it through and don't mess up, because with how I've been feeling for the past number of days, I'm walking on eggshells with myself, and making a mistake, minor or major, may induce what I narrowly avoided today.
UPDATE: So I was up all night with headaches and sweats, I called in sick and was given the day off. I've still got headaches but the sweating has stopped, I still feel very down but now I'd like to use my days off to just gather myself for the week ahead.
Just read up on a "controversy", if you can even call it that, in regards to the Brit Awards that took place three days ago. So Adele won artist of the year, a merger between two categories, male and female artist of the year, which I think is deserved, she's one of the most talented artists in the world, and I personally adore her song "Easy On Me". So her speech went along the lines of "I understand why the name of this award has changed but I really love being a woman and being a female artist. I do, I do. I’m really proud of us. I really, really am.”
Alright, doesn't seem too controversial, she loves being a woman, I think that's lovely, I'd go as far to say that's rather great. But, apparently, that statement led to "attacks", (spoiler alert, it didn't), with several "outlets" reporting that Adele was on the receiving end of abuse for being a TERF, with such reputable sources like Joe Rogan even getting involved and using objectivity, logic and reason to epically embarrass those gosh darn peoples going for Adele. Roe Jogan is one of several "outlets" that reported on it, and to talk about the others, they wrote full fledged articles about it. Here I was expecting irrefutable evidence, preparing to be epically owned, and those "outlets" shared two or three measly comments that, mind you, had little to no engagement. Just two or three comments, with less than 50 likes combined, and that's an "attack" apparently.
You'd have noticed I use quotations fairly often, that's because these supposed reputable sources, which they aren't, completely fabricated a story that really goes into people that are transgender, and paints them as unreasonable, emotional babies that throw their toys out of the pram for stuff like this, when in fact, that's not the case. They couldn't even link the tweets, that goes to show just how little they cared, they just wanted to pump out a toxic story, and Joe Rogan, picked it up, ran with it, and the sad thing is, his fans definitely believe that this actually happened, they're definitely thinking there's some mob out there, sharpening the pitchforks, ready to demolish Adele for being herself, when... there's not.
What bothers me about it, is that transgender people are a group that are consistently the target of hate raids, and we've got individuals that only seek to amplify that with fabricated outrage, but they'll then turn around afterwards and talk about the rate of transgender people that take their own lives. Why do they think that is? May it have to do with being the target of fabricated stories like the one with Adele?
And like, we know who the culprits are, we all know it, do they not possess any shame? Do they really have nothing better to do than to just make up a story for clicks, knowing it only fuels the violence and harassment of transgender people? It's crazy how a news outlet or a website can publish complete piss like that, and when I, or someone who is LGBTQIA+ takes issue with it, we're the unreasonable ones, dare we criticise them, we're looked at as trying to "cancel" them. What a crock of nonsense.
Fin.
Just gonna ramble on for a bit.
Didn't mention it before but last week Chinese New Year kicked off pretty horribly with the death of my aunt, who succumbed to her dementia. Heard my mom wailing from my room and when I went out to see what was going on she told me that her sister had passed away. My cousin, who was unfortunately stuck in quarantine after being a close contact, asked my mom if she could drive to the apartment and keep watch of the body and wait for the police.
I went with her and when we got there we were greeted by my cousin's wife and my aunt's caregiver. The last time I saw my aunt was early last year and while she was definitely forgetful about things she was fairly healthy. However by late last year the dementia eventually caused her to lose the ability to speak and then eventually walking became an issue. By that point in time she could pretty much only kind of move her mouth and swallow foods, which is why she required a caregiver to help take care of her.
Seeing her body just lying on the bed was surreal. It looked like she was just sleeping peacefully, and when I looked at her, it was almost like I could see her chest rising and falling. The police came and we informed them on what happened and they took some pictures of the body. My cousin's wife then went with them to the police station to file a report. To our surprise, my cousin ended up coming to the apartment. I need to preface that my cousin is almost double my height and size. Watching him turn back to a kid again as he cried for his mom was one of the hardest things I've ever had to watch in my life.
The wake was a couple days later and the funeral followed the day after. We had a mix of a buddhist/taoist funeral. Again, not a great day. The whole thing was only like two to two and a half hours but by the end of it, it felt like a whole day had gone by. It was so emotionally exhausting. My family and I are fine now but that day feels like so long ago, when it was literally only a week ago. It's really weird.
My condoleances to you and your family it can't be easy to talk about so thanks for sharing.
I'm sorry for your loss man, I wish I got to say that to you sooner than now, my thoughts are with you and your family.
I had a comment all queued up about how I'm excited for the end of the month, and the many things that'll help push me through to it, but today I can't be bothered.
Don't you just love being awake until 3am, with feelings of inadequacy, imposter syndrome, and fear for your own talent and future? 'Cause that was me last night.
And as a class collective, we're all mentally fucked today. With a feeling of defeat and unpreparedness for the real industry, while our school refuses to listen to us.
I try to be a nice person, I always offer to help, show concern for others and think about them often I worry about them often, I try to be as good a person as I can, because of the values I hold, and I hold them dearly, but I honestly think I've become jaded to the point that I don't see why I should continue. I treasure my values, I strongly believe in them, but it doesn't seem to matter to anyone, nothing goes my way, if anything, all I do is try and keep a smile while dragging myself through the shit days, and I have plenty of shit days. I'm just exhausted, because I feel I'm not seen, I'd like to be seen as the person I strive to be, but I don't feel that, I'd like to be happy, but I am genuinely miserable.
Literally all I want in my life is to be happy, and it's always so far out of my grasp, and when I do experience it once every so often, it's rare, it feels nice, but then the next day, like a punch to the gut, I get my shit kicked in and get reminded that this is like my own personal hell, being punished because I simply am.
I don't know if it's something I am causing by my own actions, I just want to relax in my own time, do my work, come home, and just be happy, but I never get it, I never get the happiness that I crave and desperately need. I'd like to develop relationships with people, but I struggle to. I like to think I'm an empathetic person, I think about others, I love so many, but it never translates into a meaningful relationship where those feelings are shared.
I get told from people that I'm nice, that I'm kind, that I'm a good person, but am I? I don't even know anymore, I feel like I just want to close myself off from others, just roll with the shit rather than fight it and not kid myself into thinking things get better, they haven't, and they won't, I get people telling me that they will, but they haven't for years and won't improve now.
Instead of life kicking me to the curb and wrecking my severely affected mental health further, I think I should close myself off to the point where I can't open myself enough to be hurt, because it always happens, it's a guarantee with me, I always end up hurt in the end, getting attached to people that, from my perspective, don't see me for me, I don't know what they see in me if they do see me. I've opened up to people in the past, letting them see me for me, and it looks as if they see nothing.
Someone who was close to me once told me that I was a special person, but I don't see it in myself, what's special about me? What did they see in me? Nothing of note from what I know about myself. I wanted to believe them, that maybe I was something, not something amazing, or a godsend, but something of worth.
This is all over the place, I'm all over the place, my head is all over the place, I just can't cope with it as it's getting to be too much for me. I don't know what to do, I just want to be happy, but I can't be, life won't let me, and when I experience it, it's for a brief moment, and then it's taken away, and it just takes away my desire to keep going in hopes of it getting better, because I've experienced it for years, and I know that will never change for me no matter how much I fight for a change.
I know my future, and it's not a good one, I won't get anywhere, I won't be able to make or be the change that I want, I'm not going to make a difference, in the world or in my life or someone else's, and I won't be happy, because I've lived this long in misery, it's only going to keep happening.
You don't really know the future. You just don't know anything else but the past.
Human relationships are hard, but they do get easier with practice. If it's possible, you might want to find a psychologist/therapist to go through things with, to analyze what's going on, and help you figure out how to make it better. That's not a sign of weakness. I saw one when I was younger, my wife has seen several, and I know a lot of other people who are seeing one now.
The road to happiness is hard, and the pain you're feeling is natural on the path to self-realization.
You said you try to be a nice person but don't see the point anymore. Why is that a bad thing? Everything in life is a balancing act, a game of give and take. If you just give and give without caring for yourself eventually you'll have nothing left to give. It's okay to put your own well-being into the equation; maybe these feelings you're having are your mind telling you it's time to consider that.
As for happiness, we all struggle. Some of the world largest religions, the beliefs people turn to for hope and meaning in life, don't even gloss over the fact that hardships are inevitable and plenty. It's the pains of growth. If you cut yourself off from pain entirely you cut off the opportunities that come with discomfort.
There is no one who has your exact same path in life, in that way you are special. Your worth comes from how you choose to develop your path and apply it to the world.
This mindset is a dangerous slope that leads to a self-fulfilling prophecy of learned helplessness. Your future is shaped by your choices. Your choices shaped by your mindset. If you let your mindset slide into defeatism your choices will be marred by it.
If the butterfly effect is real (and I don't see how it can't be), then it's impossible for you not to make a difference in some way. It might not be the scope you want, but every little choice you make will impact the response and choices of those around you.
I agree that a psychologist would be helpful, since it sounds like there's possibly some depression involved. You know your situation better than anyone here though. I hope the best for you.